Season Three: Us Vs. Phones

Anna Marie


I've thought about it, and I've come to the conclusion that the problem really, is you. You sit there, glorified in your shiny black case, and you think you're just too cool for school. And you may be right. You have moving 3D objects as wallpaper. My last phone only had one kind of background, and it looked like an IBM screensaver from 1994. You don't even have any buttons, it's all touch screen, and half the time I'm touching the wrong thing...I've accidentally called my landlord more times than I care to admit. And he's not a sexy landlord, like in those porno's where the girl is all "Oh, thanks for coming over to fix my heater, it's in the bedroom", no, he's a very unsexy landlord, we call him landlard behind his back if that's any kind of a hint. But what do you care? You're a sleek, modern phone that everyone has and hates. But we don't dare complain about it because we were blinded by your shiny black exterior at the store. We were drawn in by the ads that made us feel inferior. "Here we are, attractive thin people having so much fun! You can be just like us, if, and only if, you get this attractive, thin phone!" I bought the lie. I bought the phone. I exchanged numbers with a guy who also had an attractive thin phone. Was that phone not up to your standards? Don't you realize that I am not as picky? He was a guy! He was there! I'm pretty sure he was real. He seemed like a very nice man, so I refuse to believe that he didn't respond to my cute and flirty text. I am blaming you, you sleek piece of shit.