Psych!

(A stark white office. White table, white computers, white walls. No windows. Ruth, 22, sits in a white chair, facing the desk, looking nervous, like a child in detention. Behind the desk sits a nurse in a white uniform. We hear a ticking clock. They sit in silence while the nurse reads his clipboard. A very long silence)


Nurse
Do you know why you're here?

Ruth
Yes.

Nurse
Would you like to tell me what happened?

Ruth
Sure. See, it's not my fault. I took something, I bought some pot from this delivery service, and I was having a really bad day, like I can't even tell you. So I told him to make sure it was extra potent, you know, just give me the good stuff so I can relax and forget about life for a few seconds, you know? I realize this is probably escapism, and I will never, ever, take that brand of pot again, I swear. It smelled minty, I remembered that much. Well, I had a small pipe, just barely bigger than a one hitter, you know? And I only took two hits-TWO HITS, that's all I swear, just two. And I think it must have been laced something, like PCP. Well, the next thing I know I wake up, and I'm here.

Nurse
You were brought in by the Mount Sinai EMT's at 2:14 AM. with a 215 BPM. You were singing and screaming (glances at report) "I am Britney Spears. IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH" while attempting to pull free of your restraints.

Ruth
I don't remember that.

Nurse
We had to administer two sedatives to calm you down, and even then you were awake the entire night.

Ruth
Wow. Really?

Nurse
Surely you remember trying to escape the hospital this morning.

Ruth
Nope.

Nurse
The admitting nurse panicked when she couldn't find you. She managed to locate you out on the street trying to find the Q45 bus. Ms. North, you can't just leave the hospital after a manic attack like that.

Ruth
Manic? What are you talking about? This was because of some bad pot, I think it must have been laced with PCP or something. Trust me, I've been smoking steadily for two years now and I've never had a reaction this bad before. Ever.

Nurse
Do you hear voices inside your head?

Ruth
No.

Nurse
Have any thoughts about killing yourself?

Ruth
No.

Nurse
Have you ever been depressed?

Ruth
No. Look, are these normal questions for a discharge report or something? Because I really need to go, I have to be at work at nine, and it's an important meeting. I cannot be late.

Nurse
Ms. North, you were brought in as an emergency admission. According to the police report you jumped in front of traffic screaming for help before leaping onto the hood of a police car yelling "I win motherfuckers!" It took six of them to restrain you to a gurney. You spat on a cop's shoe as they tried to examine you. You kept calling them "Pig Motherfuckers" and attempted to strike a female officer. You asked one of the male cops, and I quote "Daddy, do you want to-"

Ruth
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. I might have been paranoid probably from smoking weed and having the cops there, but it's out of my system now, I'm safe now, and slightly screwed because I'm in a hospital and I don't know how long of a subway ride it'll be from here to work, but that's it. So what is the last discharge question?

Nurse
Ms. North, these aren't questions for your release. This is an admittance questionnaire.

Ruth
I'm sorry, a what?

Nurse
An admittance questionnaire.

Ruth
Admittance to what? Like, a confession or something? Okay, yes, I confess to-

Nurse
Ms. North-

Ruth
To some illegal activities that probably aren't the best for me--

Nurse
Ms. North--

Ruth
But you can't!--

Nurse
Calm down, please--

Ruth
You can't keep me here!-

Nurse
I'll send someone in here if you can't--

Ruth
What gives you the right to do this?!

Nurse
In an emergency admission-

Ruth
It wasn't an emergency, I was fine, YOU people chose to bring me in, not me!

Nurse
In an emergency admission, it's required that we keep the patient up to sixteen days--

Ruth
Two WEEKS?!

Nurse
for further observation. To make sure the patient isn't a harm to herself or others.

Ruth
This is ridiculous, I didn't want this, I don't belong in a hospital....

Nurse
You will be assigned to a doctor-

Ruth
Oh, great, and who is going to pay for this? You? Since you chose this for me?

Nurse
And a floor on one of our psychiatric wards.

Ruth
Psychiatric...you think I'm crazy?

Nurse
I don't think you're crazy.

Ruth
You do. You think I'm insane? All it was was weed! That's it! I only took two hits! TWO!

Nurse
Based on the police report and your outbursts here, you'll be assigned to Doctor Connor on Ward D.

Ruth
I can't be here for two weeks! I have to be at work in less than an hour! I'm not supposed to be here anyway! Not in a mental hospital!

Nurse
Ms. North, I've been as patient as I can be. My advice is, if you're really not supposed to be here, then we'll get you out as soon as possible. But for now we have to monitor you for your safety. That's our job.

Ruth enters Ward D with two nurses. They unlock the main door and usher Ruth inside.

Nurse
Welcome to Ward D.


(Sudden screaming and terrified yelling can be heard)

Nurse
I'm Nurse Noor, myself and Nurse Patrick are the main heads here.

Ruth
Nurse Noor, fantastic, you can help me. There was a communication issue-

Nurse
If you need anything, clothes, towels, pillow cases, you come to us.

Ruth
I'm not going to need anything, I'm not staying here-

Nurse
If you need to shave we will provide you with a razor that you will use in front of an attendant in one of our public bathrooms.

Ruth
I'm not staying here. As soon as I speak to Dr. Connor I won't need to be here-

Nurse
We do not allow smoking on this floor. We have group sessions daily and private sessions with your doctor three times a week.

Ruth
Three times a week? Does that start right now? You know, like a preliminary meeting?

Nuse
You must attend all appointments with your doctor and group sessions as well.

Ruth
With crazy people? I have to talk to crazy people?

Nurse
We have breakfast at nine AM, lunch at one PM, and dinner at six PM. You will take your medications after each meal. No snacking in between meals. No inappropriate behavior with the staff. Is all that clear?

Ruth
Yes, but look, you really should be telling this to someone who is actually going to be here-

Nurse
We'll be assigning you to stay in Room 11A with Ms. Gomez tonight-

Ruth
No, I'm not planning to stay here for the night. As soon as I see the doctor, he is going to release me immediately, where is he?

Nurse
Dr. Connor has already left for the day, but SHE will be back tomorrow afternoon, you can speak to HER then. What's your name?

Ruth
Ruth North.

Nurse
I'm sorry?

Ruth
Ruth North.

Nurse
That's not what the ER records show.

Ruth
Well, that's my name.

Nurse
Please don't lie to me. I wouldn't want to start off on the wrong foot. Now, your name please.

Ruth
Ruth. North.

Nurse
Well, we're getting better. At least the last name is correct. Let's try again. Your first name please?

Ruth
You know what? Let's just cut to the chase, what do you think my name is?

Nurse
That's not protocol. Please state your first name, Ms. North.

Ruth
I don't know! I don't know who I am apparently! I'm lost in a insane asylum, stuck with lunatics and sociopaths and people like you who are driving me crazier than I already am! WHICH I AM NOT! I came to this hospital against my will, you people brought me in here, and now you're changing my name! So what else? What else do you want? Where's the doctor?! I demand to see someone competent here!

Nurse
Patrick, Sam, please take Ms. North to our isolation room.

Ruth
No! No, I don't need an isolation room! I need to get out of these rooms! That's how they brought me in here, they brought me into a little room, police were everywhere-

Nurse
Ms. North-

Ruth
At least that's what they said. They said I was crazy, but I'm not! Can you at least tell me my name? Please?

Nurse
Patrick, Sam, please take Ms. Britney North to isolation room one please.

Ruth
Britney?!

Nurse
Yes, when the ER asked us your name, you responded "It's Britney, bitch".


(Ruth is brought her room. There is a small mattress on the floor with a small stack of clean blankets and sheets on it. There is a tiny window overlooking the city. The walls are padded)

Ruth
Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in room with padded walls. I lived there. I died there. They planted flowers there and the roots came down and tickled my nose. That made me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room with padded walls.

(She gets into bed and folds the sheets around her. She closes her eyes. Suddenly we hear screaming, wailing, and yelling. Ruth switches positions on her bed. The screaming continues. She shifts into a different position. The screaming gets louder)

Ruth
I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY, 12 3 4 5 6 SWITCH! CRAZY SLOWLY GOING AM I 6 5 4 3 2 1 SWITCH. I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY 1 2 3 4 5 6 SWITCH! CRAZY SLOWLY GOING AM I 6 5 4 3 2 1 SWITCH

Lights fade.

Current Events

(We are in a small, brightly lit room. Chairs and patients sit in a small circle, with a Guard standing near the door)

Nurse
Okay, now that we are all here--

Reena
We aren’t all here. Paul’s in the bathroom, puking again.

Nurse
Thank you for being so informative Reena, but let’s concentrate on who IS in the room, and who wants to talk about current events. Now I have some printouts here-

Crystal
I have MORE printouts than her. She doesn’t even have the right ones.

Reena
Yeah, where’d you get the printouts? We 'aint allowed to even be in the office unless it’s with a counselor.

Xena
She IS a counselor, estupida. Did your pimp daddy slap you too many times in the head or something?

Reena
Yo, don't talk to me like that!

Xena
I'll talk the way I wanna!


(Sudden screaming and yelling. Eventually the screams die down to a wail. Silence)

Julie
I would like to hear about the current events, please?

Nurse
I like how Julie asked politely for the printouts. Okay, so the current events are things that are going on in the world that we should be aware of. I'll just pass these around...

Crystal
I already have them. I got them from my vagina

Reena
That’s not true! That’s not even true!

Crystal
They ARE from my vagina, and they are more TRUE than ANYTHING

Xena
Shut it, both of you. This is not productive to current events! Why the fuck do we even bother with this shit anyway? It's pointless! And who the fuck is she?

Nurse
Everyone, this is Britney.

Ruth
OH MY GOD.

Ruth
She just transferred up here, so let’s make her feel welcome now, okay?

Crystal
She doesn’t have printouts in her vagina.

Nurse
No, that’s correct Crystal, but maybe she would like to talk about something current she experienced before she got here.

Crystal
She doesn't know anything because I just gave birth to her. She came out of my vagina and there are crystals all over her.

Nurse
Okay, I guess that's all we can do for now for Current Events. Everyone please take a print out and next time we'll discuss it, okay?

(Everyone gets up to leave. Ruth is still sitting in her chair)

Ruth
Excuse me, when is Dr. Connor coming in?

Nurse
She should be in after two.

Ruth
And can I see her then?

Nurse
Do you have an appointment?

Ruth
I don't know. I should.

Nurse
Well, we'll see when she gets in.

(The nurse leaves. Ruth gets up to leave and walks down the hallway. She stops and looks across the hallway at a man with a cross tattooed on his cheek. He wiggles his eyebrows at her and kisses the air. Ruth keeps walking past an older woman in her 40's with frizzy hair)

Crystal
You may have been born from my vagina, but he doesn't want to fuck you.

Ruth
Excuse me?

Crystal
He doesn't care about you at all. He was fucking me a few minutes ago. We're going to get married, he told me, and you are not invited to the wedding.

Xena
Okay, momma, you're right, when she comes running toward your wedding, we'll hold her back and won't let her in, okay?

Crystal
That's right. That's right.

Xena
Okay, bu-bye now.

Crystal
Bye bye.

Xena
Girl, what's your problem, why are so estupida to look at fucking Crystal Meth in the eyes? It's better if you just agree with her.

Ruth
Who?

Xena
Crystal. She's like the Wicked Witch of the Ward. She thinks she's got crystals coming outta her whoo ha and they tell her things.

Ruth
Oh my God.

Xena
She's annoying, but she's not as bad as Old Yeller.

(Sudden screaming and crying. Incoherent yelling. A young black woman is walking across a hallway, holding her head and yelling as loud as she can. She walks into a door, yells at the door, goes into her room and slams the door. Yelling is muffled)

Xena
Don't make eye contact with her either, don't try to tell her to shut up, only I can do that, and don't try to yell over her. It's impossible. C'mon, it's lunch.

Ruth
Oh.

(They walk up to an attendant, each receive a tray, and walk toward the dining area)

Xena
Who else. Let's see. That's Donna. She's been here pretty much the longest out of everybody, that's why we call her Momma Donna. I don't know what's wrong with her, but don't get in her way when it's time for her to call her daughters. Other than that, she's cool, you can always go to her if you're hungry, she hides food in her room constantly. Over there's Reena, she's on crack but she's got a heart of gold. That's Khan, and whatever you do, don't let him get to you. He is a motherfucker. Fuck him. Got it?

Ruth
Fuck Khan.

Xena
Good, but don't let Crystal hear you. Do you know where you're staying yet?

Ruth
Room 11?

Xena
You're with me. It's down the hall, on the girl's side. Right side is girls, left side is boys. There isn't a single fucking hot guy here. They're all dogs.

Reena
Ruff! RUFF RUFF RUFF!

Xena
Ay! Chica! Why you gotta do that right in my ear?

Reena
Hi! I'm Reena!

Xena
Reena's a stripper.

Reena
Si, mama, I give good lap dances. You want one?

Xena
Ew, no I don't want your dirty coochie up in my face. Ask the new girl, yo, what's your name again?

Ruth
I'm not supposed to be here.

Xena
Okay. Denial, nice to meet you.

Ruth
No, I'm Ruth, I'm just here until they figure out I'm in the wrong place. There was a misunderstanding.

Xena
Hey, no way, that's what I told them too Ruth. Right after I downed a bottle of pills, my husband found me and I was like "Ay, this was just a misunderstanding".

Reena
Yo, I was a crack head, that was all just a misunderstanding.

Xena
See? We're all just a bunch of wrongly interpreted people.

(Sudden screaming and yelling)

Xena
Except for Old Yeller.

(Old Yeller screams and moans. The lights dim but the screaming never dies down. The lights rise to Ruth in bed. Xena is on the other side of the room, reading in bed)

Ruth
Xena?

Xena
Yeah mama?

Ruth
What happened to you? I mean, after you took the pills...

Xena
My husband found me in the bathroom. I've never seen him so angry in all my life. I could see the veins bulging in his neck. I thought he only reserved that face for his futbol games. The next thing I know, I'm here, listening to Old Yeller and trying to find peace within myself and shit. It wouldn't be so bad if I could see my son. My husband comes to visit but he won't bring him. I know it's better this way, I don't want him to see me like this, or have him be in this place. I don't think I would wish anyone to be within these walls. What about you?

Ruth
Smoked too much pot. I think the last one I had was laced with PCP or something, made me act real crazy.

Xena
Girl, that shit is shit. And it can't be traced either, I betcha they didn't find any of it in your system?

Ruth
Nope. Now I'm just on whatever drugs they're giving me now.

Xena
You don't know?

Ruth
No, do you?

Xena
Nope, I'm just keeping a low profile until I can see Connor. I figure they're watching every move I make, so I gotta be a good girl. Gotta show them I don't belong here.

Ruth
Hah. Me neither girl. Me neither.



Waiting for the Good Doctor

(Ruth is pacing back and forth in front of Dr. Connor's office. She tries to peer in through the window. She knocks on the door. Nothing happens)

Ruth
Hey? Excuse me? Doc? Yo Doc! Get me outta here! Does it look like I'm supposed to be here?! Huh?! I'm living next door to Old Yeller here! Are you people estupida or something?!

(Khan enters, whistles appreciatively)

Khan
Damn, momma, you sure you're a white girl? I think you got some blackness in ya.

Ruth
Get away from me.

Khan
That's right, show your blackness baby.


(She runs down the hall to the main desk)

Ruth
Nurse? Nurse. Nurse. Nurse. Nurse nurse nurse nurse nurse!

Nurse
What is it Britney?

Ruth
Ruth. My name is Ruth. Look, I've been waiting all day, dealing with crazy people named Khan and Crystal Meth, okay? I. Don't. Belong. Here.

Nurse
Your scheduled appointment with Dr. Connor isn't until Tuesday at 2:30.

Ruth
No. I need to see her now.

Nurse
Ms. North, we need to stabilize you and monitor the medications first. There are also other patients that need to see Dr. Connor as well.

Ruth
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Nurse
Ms. North, do we need to isolate you again?

Ruth
OH MY GOD!

(Ruth storms away from the desk and sits on the floor away from Dr. Connor's office. There is a sound of a toilet flushing and Paul enters)

Paul
Hi. Who are you?

Ruth
I don't know right now.

Paul
Okay.

Ruth
I think I am going fucking nuts.

Paul
Okay.

Ruth
Oh god, maybe I am fucking nuts. I mean, I don't know what's worse, people either treating like you're crazy when you're not, or people pretending everything's fine when you're falling apart? Not that I was falling apart, not that I am falling apart, I'm just saying...I just don't know what the fuck to do, the more I try to tell these people I'm fine the more they don't believe me! I wish I had a lawyer.

Paul
I could be a lawyer.

Ruth
Thanks, but I don't think they'd take you seriously.

Paul
I can be serious. I could say, "Hey! I'm a serious lawyer, and you need to be nice to this lady, because she is having a bad day, and she should be having a good day because she is a nice lady".

Ruth
Thanks.

Paul
Am I nice?

Ruth
What's your name?

Paul
Paul!

Ruth
Paul, you are very nice. You're more like the big brother I never had.

Paul
Thanks, little sister.

Ruth
You're welcome Big Brother.

Paul
Little Sister, have you tried a written statement?

Ruth
A what?

Paul
You should try writing a statement about how you shouldn't being here, like, write when you got here, how you don't like it, and how if they don't release you, you're going to contact a lawyer for them keeping you here against your will.

(sudden screaming and wailing)

Ruth
Oh, God are they ever going to shut her up?

Paul
I don't know.

Ruth
How long have you had to listen to this?

Paul
I don't know, I think she came about two days before you did. You wanna borrow my walkman? I like to listen to Mariah Carey when I hear the yelling. It helps.

Ruth
Oh, no, I couldn't take away your salvation.

Paul
Little sister, take it! That's what Big Brothers do.

Ruth
Thanks, Brother.

Paul
You're welcome sister.

Therapy With Connor

Ruth walks to Connor's office wearing the skirt her mother sent)

Khan
Mmm-hmmm, that's right momma, show your blackness.

Ruth
Shut up! Don't talk to me! Don't you even talk to me!

Nurse
Now Ms. North, please try to calm down.

Ruth
Are you kidding me?! Did you just hear what he just said to me? Do you know that he does this to all the girls on this floor?

Nurse
It won't do you any good to see the doctor like this.

Ruth
This is bullshit. This is utter bullshit. What are you people good for?

Nurse
You see, Patrick, this is what I was telling you about.

Nurse Patrick
Yes, I see.

Ruth
Wait. Did you say I'm going to see the doctor?

Nurse
She's ready for you now.


First Session With Connor

(Dr. Connor and Ruth sit across from each other, and don't say a word. A very long silence passes between them. Ruth glances at the clock. It's ticking very loudly)

Connor
How are you today?

Ruth
You know, I always thought that was a rather silly question for someone to ask in a hospital. Whenever I was sick, or if had a broken leg, the first thing the receptionist or nurse or doctor would ask is "How are you?". And it's like, why are you asking that? Clearly I am not well, that's why I'm here. They're really just saying "Hello, I am acknowledging your presence right now". And I would be no better, because I would always respond with "fine" because I was really saying "Yes, I acknowledge your presence too". But seriously, who is actually fine in a hospital?

Connor
So how are you really doing?

Ruth
Fine.

Connor
I see.

(A very long pause)

Ruth
How are you?

Connor
Fine.

Ruth
Of course you are, you're not the crazy person in the room.

Connor
Do you think you're crazy?

Ruth
Everyone else is treating me like one.

Connor
Who is that?

Ruth
The nurses, the other patients, everyone. Just now the nurses looked at me like they were afraid I'd go over the edge.

Connor
Are you afraid of going over the edge?

Ruth
Haven't I already? I mean, isn't that why I'm here?

Connor
Why do you think you're here?

Ruth
Well, Dr. Connor, I think I'm here because of the latest invention of automobiles which are able to transport a being from one area to another. I was brought here by YOUR lovely EMT people.

Connor
And what were you doing before you were brought here?

Ruth
Working, living life.

Connor
And were you happy, living life?

Ruth
Well...I mean...how does one really know what happiness is anyway?

Connor
How many hours of sleep were you getting?

Ruth
Okay, well actually, I haven't been sleeping very well these past few months.

Connor
Was there an average number? 6? 4?

Ruth
Two.

Connor
Two hours a night?

Ruth
A day. I would take long naps during the day. Before I was brought in here I wasn't...exactly...sleeping.

Connor
The nurses have noted that you don't eat all of your meals.

Ruth
Well, it's too much.

Connor
Too much food?

Ruth
Yeah, they bring in extra stuff that isn't necessary. A cup of cereal, milk, a hard boiled egg, a small muffin, coffee, and juice? You don't need two servings of grains in one meal, and there's protein in an egg, so why add the milk? And the muffin is just extra fat, there's no way I'm eating that. No, there's nothing wrong with just an egg and coffee.

Connor
And lunch and dinner?

Ruth
One half of a pb and j for lunch, and the other half for dinner. So what?

Connor
Have you ever had distorted eating habits before?

Ruth
I don't have an eating disorder.

Connor
I didn't say you did.

Ruth
And it was a long time ago. I didn't know what my body needed, and now I know what's necessary.

Connor
Have your friends noticed a change in your behavior?

Ruth
They don't understand. They keep asking me "What's happened? You've changed" but it's all well and good for them, they're all secure in their marriages and husbands and children, they have no idea what it's like to be on your own, trying to survive. Look, are you trying to make a point? Because I've been patient with your questions but really I just wanted to meet with you so you could sign me out of here.

Connor
Lack of sleep, change of appetite, noticeable change in behavior are all signs--

Ruth
Signs of what?

Connor
Bipolar disorder.

(long pause)

Ruth
I'm sorry, what?

Connor
When the police brought you in, you were experiencing a manic episode.

Ruth
That wasn't manic, that was resisting! They brought in me against my will!

Connor
Do you think the police meant to harm you?

Ruth
Can we go back to this whole bipolar thing?

Connor
If you'd like. Do you find yourself taking on new projects, or handling more than might be capable?

Ruth
Yeah, the last two weeks I've had some really good ideas to start a...that's another symptom, huh.

Connor
We can talk about it more in our next session.



Play Time

Xena
Hey chicia, how was therapy? She say when she's gonna spring you?

Ruth
She said I was bipolar.

Xena
So you're staying, I take it.

Ruth
I'm not bipolar. Why would she say I'm bipolar? Do you think I'm bipolar?

Xena
Psst, who isn't these days?

Ruth
Is that what's wrong with you?

Xena
No, I'm just deeply unhappy.

Ruth
Is that why you've been staring out the window every day?

Xena
One of the reasons, yes. You see that little park across the street?

Ruth
Yeah.

Xena
Well, my husband promised he'd take our son there so I could see him. He said when he got the chance he'd come at one with Michael, but he was pretty pissed at me the last time he was here. I think he's punishing me.

Ruth
Why was he pissed at you?

Xena
I said some things he didn't like.

Ruth
What things?

Xena
GIRL. SOME THINGS, ALL RIGHT?

Ruth
Aye, aye, okay chica I got it.

(Reena enters)

Reena
Girls, look what I got from my momma!

Xena
Oh lord, girl, can't you see we're having a conversation?

Reena
Well, fine. I was gonna share my treasures, but if you don't want them I'll just go over to Momma Donna's--

Ruth
Aw, come on, don't be like that. What'd you get? Chocolate, fancy cookies, weed? Ha ha, just kidding.

Reena
Check it!

(Reena holds up a pair of fashionable ladies underwear)

Xena
Ooh, that's cute! I guess when you're a stripper, panties are like new school clothes!

Reena
Right?! I like this one, it's got little bows in the back.

Ruth
That is cute.

Reena
You like it? Here.

Ruth
Are you serious?

Reena
Yeah yeah! I got like, thirty of them back home anyway. Here, try them on.

Ruth
Thank you Reena!

(Ruth goes into the bathroom to change)

Reena
Besides, you gotta have something nice for when Sir Hottie comes around.

Xena
Sir who?

Reena
Girl, the fine janitor! I don't know his name yet, but I will soon. That man is like a fine piece of black chocolate, I just wanna lick him all over.

(Ruth comes out, modeling the underwear and a tank top. She poses as Reena wolf whistles and makes cat calls)

Ruth
Wait, what janitor are you talking about? All I've seen is old Russian ladies emptying our garbage.

Reena
Ooh, no no no, you haven't been here on the weekends. Trust me, when you see him, you'll want to give him a private showing of your new wardrobe.

Ruth
It would be nice to get some decent looking men up here.

Reena
Mmm-hmmm.

Xena
Amen.

(general pause)

Ruth
Reena, do these panties make me look bipolar?

Reena
What?

(blackout)

Programming

(Ruth and Paul sit in the hallway, fixing Paul's walkman)

Ruth
Okay, now number four.

Paul
Number four! What do you want on here?

Ruth
Umm....well, do we already have 96.7?

Paul
96.7...nope, we do not little sister.

Ruth
Okay, let's make four 96.7.

Paul
But little sister, that station's only static.

Ruth
It's okay Big Brother, some day you'll be in a town with different reception, and maybe 96.7 will have be the greatest radio channel in the world.

Paul
I already know the greatest radio channel in the world.

Ruth
Which one's that?

Paul
106.1, the Quake. The station that shakes up your morning, noon and night, with DJ Frankie D!

Ruth
I take it you like this station.

Paul
"Hey all my Mac Daddy's and Susie Q's, this here is Frankie D giving you all the sweet songs of yesteryear, and here's our special dedication hour" That parts my favorite, Frankie D gives messages to listeners over the airways, like "To Margaret from her baby daddy Jake: He says he's sorry from the bottom of his heart, and he wishes he never went to that strip club".

Ruth
Can we program the fifth station to be 106.1?

Paul
Yes we sure can. Hey little sister?

Ruth
Yeah?

Paul
Do you wanna see my special remote?

Ruth
Uh, Big Brother, I don't think brothers and sisters should share that much with each other.

Paul
No, it's really cool, I've had it since I got here and it works really well!

(Paul pulls a silver remote out of his fanny pack)

Ruth
Oh! Oh thank god. Wow. I thought you were...that's...that's neat Big Brother.

Paul
And guess what? It works on all the TV's here!

Ruth
But the TV in the common room has all the knobs twisted off...

Paul
Still works!

Ruth
Okay, that is cool. I haven't been able to watch anything since I got here.

Paul
Here. You can borrow it for a while, but you gotta take real good care of it. It's special.

Ruth
I promise.

blackout

Weekend Plans

(Ruth is watching TV in the common room, or rather, she is just flipping channels rapidly)

Ruth
This is just beautiful.

Reena
Ruth! C'mon girl!

Ruth
What?

(Reena drags Ruth into her room, where Xena is sitting on her bed, bouncing on her bottom)

Reena
Come on, put your lucky panties on, put on some makeup, let's go!

Ruth
What? What's going on?

Xena
He's coming!

Reena
Oh, I'm coming just thinking about it.

Ruth
Mr. Dark Chocolate, our sexy janitor?

Reena
YES!!

Ruth
Holy shit, why didn't you say so?

(Ruth runs into the bathroom to change, clutching the panties and her skirt)

Reena
Hurry UP!

Xena
You think she can do it?

Reena
Look at her, she's fresh meat, of course she can.

Xena
Good, 'cause I'm about the freak the fuck out.

Ruth
Does anyone have any chapstick?

Reena
Psst, screw that, here, try my lipsmackers, it tastes like honey.

Xena
Okay, Ruth, you look beautiful. But here's the situation. We need to smoke. Badly.

Ruth
For real? Cuz I'm telling you, I haven't had any weed since I've been in here, and I'm dying...

Reena
Huh?

Xena
Well, Reena, I guess he could get that too, he's a brother, he would know...

Ruth
Get that too? What were you talking about?

Xena
Cigarettes.

Ruth
Oh. Ohhhh....

Xena
Here's the thing though. It would take longer for him to get "it", and I don't have any money on me. Do you?

Reena
Nah, I just need to get some nicotine in me, period.

Xena
Also, it'll be harder to disguise the smell. It takes longer for it to go away, and I'm pretty sure Noor wouldn't be to happy if she caught us...and they will catch us.

Reena
Yeah, maybe we should just stick to cigarettes.

Ruth
Oh sure, sure, that sounds good to me.

Xena
Okay Ruth. The trick is to be cute and flirty. It won't work if you just ask him directly, he's a hot guy and you're a cute girl, so you gotta make it sound like you have a problem that needs solving. Guys love solving problems.

Reena
My pussy has a problem. His dick aint in it.

Xena
And this is why we aren't sending you. Also, make it look like you are just hanging out, don't approach him straight on, that'll startle him.

Ruth
Don't approach him straight on, and give him a problem to solve. Got it.

(Knock on door)

Troy's Voice
Garbage!

(Mass giggling ensues)

Reena
Come in!

(Troy enters, keeping his head down as he grabs the garbage can. He is an extremely attractive black man, wearing a blue shirt with a nametag reading "Troy" on it. He doesn't make eye contact with any of the girls as he exits)

Ruth
I got an idea.

(Cut to Troy in the hallway, emptying the garbage into a larger trash can. He begins to mop the floors)

Ruth
JESUS you guys! ENOUGH!

(Ruth storms out of the room and past Troy. She sits on a chair at the end of the hallway. She sighs and looks up to the ceiling)

Troy
You all right?

Ruth
You ever feel like you're surrounded by crazy people?

Troy
Yeah, every day I come to work.

Ruth
Yeah, but you get to go home at night.

Troy
Hey, same people, different location.

Ruth
Yeah, but your crazy people haven't made you crazy. You look very sane.

Troy
Why thank you...what's your name?

Ruth
Ruth.

Troy
Ruth? I'm Troy.

Ruth
I know, it says so on your shirt.

Troy
So Ruth, why are your friends driving you crazy?

Ruth
Well Troy, I'll just be honest with you.

Troy
I appreciate that.

Ruth
They seem to think I can hustle you for cigarettes. I told them you wouldn't do it, you are sane, nice looking man who could probably get in big trouble for aiding a bunch of crazy girls, but they wouldn't listen, they've been hounding me for days, trying to get me to do it, and now they're getting vicious. They're spreading lies about me to the staff, getting me in trouble, but I don't care. I told them I wouldn't do it, and I won't. I don't care if they keep making me miserable, I just don't want you to get into trouble.

(pause)

Troy
I wouldn't get in that much trouble.

Ruth
You wouldn't?

Troy
What brand you like?

Ruth
Does not matter. The cheapest you can get. We got ten dollars, you want me to get it now?

Troy
Nah. Don't worry about it. I have one with me right now, you can have that, and then I'll be back tomorrow with a pack. That cool?

Ruth
That's very cool. Thank you Troy. You just saved me.

Troy
Don't worry about it. Girls can be vicious.

Ruth
Tell me about it.

Smoking in the Girls Room

(Reena, Xena and Ruth are lighting the cigarette in their bathroom)

Xena
No no, wait.

(She turns on the shower as hot as it can go)

Reena
What, you wanna have a sauna with your smoke?

Xena
No, estupida, this'll help get rid of the smell. Here Ruth, you deserve the first puff.

Ruth
I feel like I'm in an after school special.

Xena
Que?

Ruth
Nevermind. Give it here.

Reena
Ooh, I've been waiting for this for two weeks!

Ruth
(coughs) Two weeks? Does that mean..

Reena
Yeah girl. I'm getting out in a couple of days.

Ruth
Really? That's...great Reena.

Xena
(takes a puff)
Yeah yeah, we're all jealous of your skinny ass, bitch.

Reena
Bitch my ass is luscious, gimme my cigarettes.

Xena
So what are you going to do when you get out? Go back to stripping, see a few ho's, visit your former pimp for old times sake?

Reena
Oh, just shut the fuck up for once girl. Let me enjoy my Marlboro while I can.

Ruth
He's coming back with a pack tomorrow.

Xena
Really? Nicely done girl!

Ruth
Thank you! See, a bipolar person probably couldn't do it. She'd probably be do manic or whatever to handle anything.

(Ruth takes a puff)

(There is a knock at the door)

Xena
Shit.

Reena
Fuck, put it out, put it out!

Ruth
Just chill girl, flush it down the toilet, Xena, use your perfume, I'll get the door.

(Ruth goes out of the bathroom, walks to the door)

Ruth
Who is it?

(She opens the door. Khan is standing in front of her)

Khan
What's up momma?

Ruth
Aren't you supposed to be on the other side?

Khan
What's shaking?

Ruth
Get out of here.

Khan
Something smells good.

Ruth
What are you talking about? GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!

Nurse's Voice
Britney, calm down!

Ruth
MY NAME IS RUTH AND THERE IS A BOY ON THE GIRL'S SIDE AND HE NEEDS TO LEAVE NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!

Khan
Okay! Okay Okay Okay! I'm going! Jeez black momma, don't raise a fuss. See you later.

Reena
What did he want?

Xena
Who cares? Girl, you gotta a set of lungs on you. You could give Old Yeller a run for her money.

Ruth
He shouldn't be anywhere near us. It's totally creepy. What was he doing, sniffing around here? Do you think he knows? Do you think he saw?

Xena
Saw what?

Ruth
He said, something smelled good in here.

Reena
You don't think...

Xena
He was talking about the perfume.

Ruth
How do you know?

Reena
He knows.

Xena
We don't know that he knows.

Reena
I betcha anything he knows.

Ruth
Oh god, what are we going to do?

Xena
Just lie low for a few days, we won't smoke for awhile, he'll forget about it, and...and...

Reena
Girl?

Xena
Dios mio. It's my son! Es mi hijo! He's down there! My husband actually brought him, look!

Ruth
Aww, where?

Xena
See that man with the orange coat? Near the water fountain? That's him, and there's my son, on the slide! Oh, he's on the slide, look at him.

Reena
He's cute.

Ruth
He's adorable.

Xena
He's perfect. He looks so small from up here. Oh, be careful baby! Don't run too fast!

(Xena tries not to cry)

Xena
What did I do?

Ruth
It wasn't your fault.

Xena
Really? Some other girl named Xena forced pills down my throat and made it so she can't even hold her baby now? What a bitch, I should kick her ass.

Reena
Yeah, and while we're at it, I wanna get a hold of this Evil Twin Reena and smack the crack pipe right out of her hand. Ruth?

Reena
I just wanna find those cops and ask them what were they smoking when they got me, cuz I want to try that shit.

Blackout. End of Act One.