Okay, can we just cut the crap here for one second, you backstabber? I know you have them. I know what's been going on around here. You're holding out on me, aren't you? Don't even try to deny it. The truth is in your pudgy little irises. I can see it. I can see it all. I've lived in this hicks-ville of a town for twenty five years, okay? I knew what you were going to wear before you got up this morning. I've seen your face behind the rows of merchandise almost all my life. I just saw you giving them away to kids, okay? KIDS. What kind of sick freak are you? They're innocent little tykes with no clue how it's going to go down. They just think they'll always get it whatever they want. Until one day, they'll be grown, like me, and have too much shame to ask for it. Well, fuck that! I've had a really hard day, and I WANT A FREE COOKIE!!
It's not fair! I know you have free samples out there, and it's not fair! I know that as time goes on, we are denied certain things. I accepted the tragedy that was the McDonald's Happy Meal Toy. I'm still trying to accept that my metabolism is now the speed of a slightly retarded turtle. But I'm looking around this store and I cannot, CANNOT accept the substitutes for free cookies. I mean, what do you have here? Slices of bread. BREAD. WHO THE FUCK WANTS A FREE SAMPLE OF BREAD, HUH? I'll tell you who: No one. That's why there's always a ton of it out there. Or those stale corn chips and salmon dip you try to pass off as fresh! And don't even get me started on those old ladies trying to sell me tiny cups of clam chowder. I've never even heard of clam chowder acting as a comfort food. No.
I want a cookie, and I want it from you. With a big smile. I even want the condescending voice, "Do you want a free sample today?" Yes. The longer you live life, the more you need a jolly baker handing you a cookie. And when it's just one and it's free, it's like someone picking you up after you've been kicked down by a world that is filled with sugar free, lactose intolerant bastards. C is for cookie, and that's fucking good enough for me!
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