Thanks for Coming In

So...this isn't so much as a "piece inspired by" as it is a "blatant case of plagiarism" by a brilliant one-act written by my favorite writer, David Ives. I was just speculating what his play would be like if you changed the characters, setting and topic, but kept the style. If I get carted off to Writer's Prison, tell my mother I loved her.

Thanks for Coming In 

by Rose Kinne

(Lights rise. We see David, an office manager, sitting behind a desk. Secretary enters with Emily, Emily is holding a file)

Secretary

David, Emily is ready for you now.

(Secretary leaves)

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!

(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)

David

Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face. Travis said you nailed the phone interview. So, just to bring me up to speed, tell me a little about the process, how did you find out about Penultimate? 

Emily 

Penultimate? Wait, this isn't Microsoft? 

David 

Ah no. This isn't Microsoft.

Emily

Huh? What? Wait, what am I applying for again? Can you check? 

David

Um. You don't know? 

Emily

Yeah, I forgot, you know, so many applications, and I just need money, so what's this place again? 

David

My apologies, but I do not believe this is going to be the right fit for us. But thanks for coming in. 

Emily 

No problem. 

(A bell is heard off stage. Emily stands up) 

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!

(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)

David

Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face. 

Emily 

Yes, I'm so excited to be at (Subltly looks at file) Penultimate.

David

Wonderful, that's wonderful. So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us?

Emily

Well, I recently graduated with my degree in English literature, and I spent a few years working for the Admissions Office at the university and really loved it. I saw on LinkedIn that you need a receptionist, so I thought I would be a good match for your company here.

David

That's just great. I’m so glad you could make it, you seem very educated and you just have a lovely light in your eyes, like you’re ready and raring to go.

Emily

Wow. Thank you.

David

Unfortunately, I don’t see anything available for you at this time…

Emily

Oh. Oh, okay.  I’m sorry, I thought it said you were hiring right now..?

David

Oh! Yeah, whoops sorry about that, I really need to get HR to fix that. Heh, what a crazy sense of humor they've got. Oh well, what can you do. Thanks for coming in.

Emily

No. uh, problem.

(bell rings. Emily stands)

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thanks, it's so nice to meet you. (They shake hands, she sits) I'm really excited to be at Penultimate. 

David 

So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us? 

Emily 

Oh, my friend works here. He's in HR.

David

Oh Travis! Great guy.

Emily

Oh I know. And he’s got such a wonderful sense of humor.

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we used to fuck before he came out.

(bell)

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we used to make out at random college parties.

(bell ring)

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we took Intro to English Literature together in college.  

David 

Very nice. So, do you have secretary experience? 

 

Emily 

Well, no. But it doesn't look that hard. I watched The Office and I figured that was enough. 

David 

I see. 

(bell rings) 

David 

So, do you have secretary experience? 

Emily 

No. But I was a "sexy secretary" for Halloween last year. 

David 

Uh huh. 

(bell rings)

David

Do you have secretary experience?

Emily 

What does that mean?

David 

Just...have you been a secretary before? 

Emily

Isn't the term "Administrative Assistant"?

David

Well, I guess...

Emily

I mean, you wouldn't ask a man if he had experience as a secretary, would you? Because that would just sound weird, wouldn't it? That's why they changed the name isn't it? I mean, never mind that the average woman still gets 77 cents for every dollar a man earns for doing the same amount of work, or that sexual harassment is three times more likely to happen to a woman than a man in the workplace, let's make sure that a man isn't demeaned by being called a secretary! Because it's a white man's world out there, and I guess I better be grateful you even agreed to me with me at all! And if you hire me, I'll have to put up with your extremely unfunny jokes and pretending you're hilarious, or listening to you lecture me on current events or literature, which, by the way, I got my Masters in, not that you would know that, because the only thing you ask me is how my dating life is going, while every day I watch you do a job that could be done by a monkey with a stapler!

David 

All right. 

(bell rings)

David

So, do you have any experience? 

Emily

Yes, I worked for the Admissions Office at my school for a couple of years.

David

So, what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Uh...um...huh, wow, that is a really great question...eerrrr...I guess....I...think...heh heh....uuuummmmmmm.... 

(bell rings) 

David

So what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Gosh, that is so funny. I was just thinking today that I don't have one!

(bell rings)

David

What is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Answering stupid questions. 

 (bell rings)

David

What is your greatest weakness? 

 

Emily 

(about to cry) You know, sometimes I just care. Too. Much. 

 (bell rings)

David

What would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

I'm really bad at public speaking. I used to get so nervous before speaking in front of a crowd that my entire face went numb. So, during my last semester in college, I decided to take a Public Speaking course, just to see if I could do it. The first couple of times felt really nerve wracking, but the more I did it the more I realized my audience wanted me to succeed. After that I got a lot better, and now only like, half of my face goes numb when I give a speech.

David

Haha, love it. So, where do you see yourself in five years?

Emily

You know, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I just graduated school, and for the first time, I feel like it’s time for me to be an adult and enter the real world, but I’m not quite sure where my place is.

David

Sure.

Emily

I mean, sure I'd love to have a rewarding career, a nice husband, and I know I want kids. But when it comes to a specific career, I have no idea. I know I have skills, and I will work harder than anyone else you meet today, because I will appreciate it more. So much more. I just need a chance to show it. But it's hard to know what I want in five years when I can't even tell what's going to happen to me in five hours.

 

David

Well I really enjoyed meeting you.

Emily

I’m not getting this job, am I?

David

It’s not a personal.

Emily

Sure.

David

I think you’ve got a lot to offer the world. But as of right now, we’re just looking for someone with a little more ambition.

Emily

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

David

Good luck out there. Don’t give up.

Emily

I won’t.

David

Thanks for coming in.

(bell rings)

David

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Emily

I see myself as a professional writer and editor, managing a marketing team. 

David

Oh, that’s wonderful. So, do you have any questions for me?

Emily

Yes. Do you have benefits?

David

What better benefit than me? Say, have you heard this joke-- 

 (bell rings)

Emily

Do you have benefits?

David

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

 (bell rings)

Emily 

Do you have any benefits?

David

Yes, we can give you full use of a chair, paper clips and stale oxygen! You can't take those home, though, little lady. (bell rings)

Emily

Do you have any benefits?

David

Yes, we have a very nice medical and dental plan.

Emily

Terrific.

David

Oh good, I was hoping that would interest you.

Emily

Oh really, why? Is the pay terrible?

David

Nope. You make at least three bucks an hour.

(bell rings)

David

Four dollars an hour.

(bell rings)

David

Five dollars an hour and a stick of gum at the end of every shift.

(bell rings)

David

Well, the starting salary is 12 dollars an hour.

Emily

Oh.

David

But you get a merit increase every six months.

Emily

That’s not bad at all.

David

I mean, do you have to scrub out toilets with your finger...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, do you have to talk your coworkers off the roof every three hours...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, you do have to shave your head and start worshipping Hitler...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, do you have to take out the trash once in awhile....

Emily

I see. Well, I don’t mind taking out the trash every once in awhile.  Just as long as everyone helps out.

David

That's great. We really like everyone to be a team player around here. Listen, our regional manager is out of town until Thursday, would you be available to come in for a second interview?  He’s a really fun guy.

Emily

Yeah, I mean, I’m volunteering at the Reading Center until noon, but I can make it after that.

David

Great, and how’s your availability in general? Do you volunteer a lot?

Emily

I do, but they are really flexible. I can switch times whenever I want. Does the company ever do charity work?

David

Yes, we host a soup kitchen twice a month. Can you bake cornbread?

Emily

That was the first recipe my mother taught me to make.

David

And do you like cream of broccoli?

(pause)

Emily

Actually, I think it’s kind of gross.

David

Thank you! Sarah keeps saying we should make it, but everyone is against it.

Emily

Do I get vacation time?

David

Yes.

Emily

And sick days?

David

Absolutely.

Emily

And is it okay if I bring a Magic 8 ball to work?

David

Why not?

Emily

This Thursday, right? What time?

David

Does 2:30 work for you?

Emily

No problem.

David

Great. Well, thank you very much for coming in.

Emily

Thanks for having me.

David/Emily

No problem.

End