Rise. We are in a church basement. Coffee cups, fliers, and pens are strewn about the room. The door is barricaded with a large desk and various chairs. Five people are sitting in a circle around a small pile of pamphlets, broken cellphones, and binders)
Ron
Bacon cheeseburgers. Whoever came up with the idea of two different meat products in one sandwich was a genius. It’s the perfect combination of salty goodness and juicy beef. And slightly melted cheddar cheese. Mmmm…
True
Speaking of salty combinations, they just came out with chocolate bacon.
Chris
That’s awesome.
True
Oh yeah. My friend Rob told me about it. Apparently this chick really loved chocolate chip pancakes in the morning. One day she was in a hurry, and just inhaled the pancakes with bacon and was hit by a tasty revelation.
Rita
I used to like putting maple syrup on my bacon, but chocolate covered bacon?
True
It’s supposed to be the perfect mix of sweet and salty.
Chris
Cody would eat it.
Rita
He would eat anything. Even before this. When we were in 8th grade, he ate a worm. Who does that past the age of seven?
Chris
It has tons of protein. Probably more than chocolate bacon.
Senator
Maybe chocolate bacon is an acquired taste.
True
Maybe. I still would’ve liked to experienced it.
(depressing pause)
Chris
What about you, Rita?
Rita
I used to really love sushi. For my junior year, my class went to Europe, and we were so excited to do things we never got to do before: go to a different country, drink in a bar, and on the way to our hotel, we saw this little sushi place and thought, why not? Ever since then it was my favorite food.
Chris
Was?
Rita
Can’t really picture me eating anything raw now. Seems…disrespectful.
(another sad pause)
Ron
It’s getting quiet out there.
Senator
Hasn’t been much activity since Tuesday, at 3:15 in the morning.
Chris
Is that good or bad?
Rita
We have to get out there.
Senator
No.
Rita
They might need us.
Senator
We have no clue what’s out there.
Chris
God, I’m so hungry.
Ron
The hunger isn’t so bad. At least we still have water.
True
For now.
Rita
Oh yeah, poor us. We’re the ones that are really suffering.
Ron
They’ll be okay Rita.
Rita
Why did it have to be Cody? He’s the youngest, he’s barely lived. Why didn’t Senator go?
Chris
That doesn’t make any sense, he’s got that bum leg, they’d catch him in no time. It should be someone young, who can outrun them.
True
Speed doesn’t mean nothing when you’re being mobbed.
Senator
Listen, no one’s getting mobbed, and no one’s going out there. They’re probably taking their time from Safeway.
Chris
Anyone but me see the irony in that? Anyone?
True
Senator, seriously, what does Danny always say in our step work?
Rita
“Secrets and silence kill. Choose honesty every time”.
True
You can’t even look us in the eye right now.
Rita
Maybe they got rescued. Maybe they’re coming for us.
True
No one’s coming Rita. Don’t start lying to yourself.
(long pause)
Ron
How fast did Cody say he could run?
Rita
I don’t remember. I was loaded every time I came to his matches. But he has some medals at his Oxford house.
Senator
He’s not alone. He’s got Danny and Aaron watching his back.
Chris
Heh. “Watching his back”. We sound like an episode of “Lost”.
Ron
Aren’t we?
Rita
Ron could’ve gone.
True
Are you crazy, he’s too old, he couldn’t keep up.
Ron
Hey, fuck you, I may have a spare tire but I move like a mustang.
Chris
Did you see how Aaron tried to weasel out of it? I mean, it was his idea.
True
Probably the only one he’s ever had.
Ron
Danny will bring them back, Rita.
Rita
What if he doesn’t? What if they panic and come back here with a legion nipping at their feet?
Senator
We'll need weapons.
Chris
All right!
Rita
No, we're not seriously thinking about doing this, are we? Weapons?
True
She's got a point, I mean, what are we going to do, fling pamphlets at them? Paper cut them to death?
Senator
We can pry off these chair legs and make a club.
Chris
I’m going to try breaking into the janitor’s closet again.
(Chris walks off stage)
Rita
Do you think it’s like the movies? Like, can they be killed through the brain? Are they slow mindless drones? Or did the virus make them stronger? Can they smell us right now? What if they’re just waiting for us to come out? What if they’re at the door RIGHT NOW?!
Ron
Shhh….calm down, you’re going to freak yourself out.
Rita
I TOLD you Cody shouldn’t have gone!
Chris's Voice (off stage)
Guys?
Ron
They’re not waiting for us. Senator’s been guarding the door every night, and he says the worst has passed. They don’t even brush against the door anymore.
Senator
They’re like predators Rita. If they can’t see us they forget we’re even here. They’ll bumble along and occasionally try the door, but they're not looking for us.
Chris's Voice (off stage)
Um, guys?
Rita
I don't care if they have the same prowess as Yosemite Sam! You don't know. Just because you've observed them, that makes you a fucking expert? Does anyone even remember who we are before this happened? Is no one keeping track? Cody has 30 days today.
True
He does?
Rita
And this is how you decide to reward him? By sending him out to die with a bunch of feeble, useless--
(Chris enters with an ax)
Chris
Guys! Come on, we’re late.
(True, Rita, Senator, Ron, and Chris all sit hunched in a circle. Chris takes a deep breath and sets down the axe. He picks up a lamented sheet of paper)
Chris
Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous. For obvious reasons, we've decided to rename the group to "Undead Anonymous". My name is Chris and I am an addict.
All
Hi Chris.
Chris
This a closed meeting, only members with a pulse are allowed to attend. If you have any drugs or paraphernalia on your person, or have developed the insatiable need for human flesh, we ask that you please leave the meeting as this is damaging for recovering addicts in this meeting. Now may we pause for a moment of silence for the still suffering addict followed by the serenity prayer.
(They Pause)
Chris
God.
All
God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Chris
Is there anyone with an NA birthday or celebrating proud time today?
Senator
I'm Senator and I am an addict, and today I have 12 years and three weeks.
(They all clap and mumble things like "Good job" and "Way to go")
Chris
Anyone else?
(pause)
Chris
I'm Chris and I have 44 months today.
(More clapping and encouragement)
Chris
At this point, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Ron, who has graciously agreed to chair.
Ron
Yo, I'm Ron and I am a grateful recovering addict.
All
Hi Ron.
Ron
And today I am reading from the Basic Text, particularly on the First Step. "Until we learn to identify with other addicts in recovery, sometimes all we can do is listen to the First Step. We can't surrender until we understand this Step and we cannot understand it until we cross the line into identification with other addicts. We do everything we can to acquire the knowledge of the reality that we have a disease and that alone, we are doomed. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable." (slight pause) I really like this reading, particularly now. I used to feel that I was the only one who could feel this way, and that I had reserved a VIP section in hell just for me, that no one could get access to. And for years, I stayed down there. I bought the popcorn, popped in a movie, and just sat with it for the longest time. And I'm not going back there. Even if hell comes up to greet me, I'm not letting it in. If others want me to join them in their Hell, sure I'll come visit. I'll buy you some popcorn even, but I won't stay for the movie. I've seen how it ends. And even now, with all this happening around us, I'm still happier than I was when I was using. And that's saying something. Anyway, that's all I got. Meetings' open.
All
Thanks Ron.
Chris
I'm Chris and I'm an addict.
All
Hey Chris.
Chris
Yeah...so I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm working on a routine and that's coming along well. I get up early, do some meditation, try not to think about how nice it would be to get high right now. I mean, if ever there was a time to just not give a crap and use, this would be it. I don't even know if my sponsor is alive, or if he's something's meal right now, so I wouldn't have to worry about what he would say right now. So now I have to be my own sponsor, and talk myself out of it. It's not hard to do, before I would just think, well yeah, if I get loaded, I'll be screwed, but I can always start over. Now it's like, fuck dude, if I go out there I will die. And that's what my sponsor used to say, but I never really took it seriously. Now it's just a fact. It's kinda bizarre how right he was. Is. I'd like to think he's still out there. Anyway, good topic, Ron. I used to hate the first step, but I think we're permanently on it. But I'm really grateful to be here. I know that my Higher Power was definitely on my side that day, I was going to go to a concert, but then I thought, nah, better check in first. Sure enough, I came here and it saved my life. So thanks everyone, I'm really grateful today.
All
Thanks Chris.
True
I'm True and I am an addict.
All
Hey True.
True
Yeah, the first step. I started thinking about how far we've come and how good we're all doing until Ron said something about identifying with other addicts. And my first thought was what other addicts? There might not be anyone left. This could be the last NA fellowship on earth right now. I doubt the demons out there are having a meeting right now. And then it hit me. We aren't the only addicts out there. And I'm not talking about the other junkies, or alcoholics, or potheads. I mean THEM. The creatures. What makes them any different from us? We bitch and cry how OUR lives are unmanageable and that WE'RE powerless? Their lives are gone! They actually have a disease, we use that word and think it means something. We're so wrapped up in our stupid little bullshit and they're dead. They sink their teeth into their loved one's flesh. We break our family's hearts. They break skulls.
Chris
So, what, you wanna get a bunch of them in here? Get them some newcomer chips?
Senator
Hey, no crosstalk during someone's share.
True
No, I just think that if we want to get out of this, we should treat them like us. We can't beat them, we can’t even beat our own addiction. So maybe we should start working the steps with them in mind. First step: We admit that we are powerless over the disease of the undead, and our lives are unmanageable. Just like Ron was talking about. That's really all I got right now. Thanks.
All
Thanks True.
(long pause)
Chris
Anyone else?
Rita
I'm Rita and I'm an addict.
All
Hello Rita.
Rita
I don't have much to say. Just that I'm feeling really powerless right now. I can't do anything but think about Danny and Aaron and Cody all the time. Hoping that Danny's plan will work, that Cody's fast enough, that Aaron's not doing anything stupid because he's Aaron...it's like I'm one of those helpless chicks in that movie, what's it called...The Perfect Storm? Just waiting and preparing for the worst. I know some of you don't believe in God, especially now, but could we all just have a moment of silent prayer for these guys who are trying to keep us from starving to death? Please?
(They bow their heads and have a moment of silence)
Rita
Thanks guys. I feel a little better now. Glad to be here. Thanks.
All
Thanks Rita.
Chris
Senator?
Senator
I'm just listening today.
Chris
Okay, that's about all the time we have for today. Please remember that anonymity is the key to our success, so what you see here, what you hear here, please leave it here.
All
Here here.
Chris
Now let's join hands and say the Set Aside Prayer.
(They get up and join hands in a circle)
Chris
God.
All
God. Please help me set aside everything I think I know about myself, my disease, these steps, and especially you. For an open heart and a new experience with myself, my disease, these steps, and especially—
(There’s a noise at the door. It gets louder as they talk)
Chris
What was that?
Ron
It’s them! They’re back!
True
Then why aren’t they saying anything? Don’t get it! It’s the others!
Rita
Maybe it’s the military. Maybe we’re rescued! Get the door!
True
No! Don’t! It’s too late! They’re gone, and they’re trying to come back in to finish us off!
Ron
Senator, get the door!
Chris
Senator, don’t you dare, you’ll kill us all.
Rita
You’re killing Cody!
True
You want to be next?
Ron
Senator, DO SOMETHING!
Senator
Can you guys pray with me?
Ron
Sure Senator.
All
God, grant me the serenity—
(The door crashes open. Blackout)
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