Thanks for Coming In

So...this isn't so much as a "piece inspired by" as it is a "blatant case of plagiarism" by a brilliant one-act written by my favorite writer, David Ives. I was just speculating what his play would be like if you changed the characters, setting and topic, but kept the style. If I get carted off to Writer's Prison, tell my mother I loved her.

Thanks for Coming In 

by Rose Kinne

(Lights rise. We see David, an office manager, sitting behind a desk. Secretary enters with Emily, Emily is holding a file)

Secretary

David, Emily is ready for you now.

(Secretary leaves)

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!

(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)

David

Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face. Travis said you nailed the phone interview. So, just to bring me up to speed, tell me a little about the process, how did you find out about Penultimate? 

Emily 

Penultimate? Wait, this isn't Microsoft? 

David 

Ah no. This isn't Microsoft.

Emily

Huh? What? Wait, what am I applying for again? Can you check? 

David

Um. You don't know? 

Emily

Yeah, I forgot, you know, so many applications, and I just need money, so what's this place again? 

David

My apologies, but I do not believe this is going to be the right fit for us. But thanks for coming in. 

Emily 

No problem. 

(A bell is heard off stage. Emily stands up) 

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!

(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)

David

Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face. 

Emily 

Yes, I'm so excited to be at (Subltly looks at file) Penultimate.

David

Wonderful, that's wonderful. So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us?

Emily

Well, I recently graduated with my degree in English literature, and I spent a few years working for the Admissions Office at the university and really loved it. I saw on LinkedIn that you need a receptionist, so I thought I would be a good match for your company here.

David

That's just great. I’m so glad you could make it, you seem very educated and you just have a lovely light in your eyes, like you’re ready and raring to go.

Emily

Wow. Thank you.

David

Unfortunately, I don’t see anything available for you at this time…

Emily

Oh. Oh, okay.  I’m sorry, I thought it said you were hiring right now..?

David

Oh! Yeah, whoops sorry about that, I really need to get HR to fix that. Heh, what a crazy sense of humor they've got. Oh well, what can you do. Thanks for coming in.

Emily

No. uh, problem.

(bell rings. Emily stands)

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thanks, it's so nice to meet you. (They shake hands, she sits) I'm really excited to be at Penultimate. 

David 

So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us? 

Emily 

Oh, my friend works here. He's in HR.

David

Oh Travis! Great guy.

Emily

Oh I know. And he’s got such a wonderful sense of humor.

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we used to fuck before he came out.

(bell)

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we used to make out at random college parties.

(bell ring)

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we took Intro to English Literature together in college.  

David 

Very nice. So, do you have secretary experience? 

 

Emily 

Well, no. But it doesn't look that hard. I watched The Office and I figured that was enough. 

David 

I see. 

(bell rings) 

David 

So, do you have secretary experience? 

Emily 

No. But I was a "sexy secretary" for Halloween last year. 

David 

Uh huh. 

(bell rings)

David

Do you have secretary experience?

Emily 

What does that mean?

David 

Just...have you been a secretary before? 

Emily

Isn't the term "Administrative Assistant"?

David

Well, I guess...

Emily

I mean, you wouldn't ask a man if he had experience as a secretary, would you? Because that would just sound weird, wouldn't it? That's why they changed the name isn't it? I mean, never mind that the average woman still gets 77 cents for every dollar a man earns for doing the same amount of work, or that sexual harassment is three times more likely to happen to a woman than a man in the workplace, let's make sure that a man isn't demeaned by being called a secretary! Because it's a white man's world out there, and I guess I better be grateful you even agreed to me with me at all! And if you hire me, I'll have to put up with your extremely unfunny jokes and pretending you're hilarious, or listening to you lecture me on current events or literature, which, by the way, I got my Masters in, not that you would know that, because the only thing you ask me is how my dating life is going, while every day I watch you do a job that could be done by a monkey with a stapler!

David 

All right. 

(bell rings)

David

So, do you have any experience? 

Emily

Yes, I worked for the Admissions Office at my school for a couple of years.

David

So, what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Uh...um...huh, wow, that is a really great question...eerrrr...I guess....I...think...heh heh....uuuummmmmmm.... 

(bell rings) 

David

So what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Gosh, that is so funny. I was just thinking today that I don't have one!

(bell rings)

David

What is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Answering stupid questions. 

 (bell rings)

David

What is your greatest weakness? 

 

Emily 

(about to cry) You know, sometimes I just care. Too. Much. 

 (bell rings)

David

What would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

I'm really bad at public speaking. I used to get so nervous before speaking in front of a crowd that my entire face went numb. So, during my last semester in college, I decided to take a Public Speaking course, just to see if I could do it. The first couple of times felt really nerve wracking, but the more I did it the more I realized my audience wanted me to succeed. After that I got a lot better, and now only like, half of my face goes numb when I give a speech.

David

Haha, love it. So, where do you see yourself in five years?

Emily

You know, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I just graduated school, and for the first time, I feel like it’s time for me to be an adult and enter the real world, but I’m not quite sure where my place is.

David

Sure.

Emily

I mean, sure I'd love to have a rewarding career, a nice husband, and I know I want kids. But when it comes to a specific career, I have no idea. I know I have skills, and I will work harder than anyone else you meet today, because I will appreciate it more. So much more. I just need a chance to show it. But it's hard to know what I want in five years when I can't even tell what's going to happen to me in five hours.

 

David

Well I really enjoyed meeting you.

Emily

I’m not getting this job, am I?

David

It’s not a personal.

Emily

Sure.

David

I think you’ve got a lot to offer the world. But as of right now, we’re just looking for someone with a little more ambition.

Emily

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

David

Good luck out there. Don’t give up.

Emily

I won’t.

David

Thanks for coming in.

(bell rings)

David

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Emily

I see myself as a professional writer and editor, managing a marketing team. 

David

Oh, that’s wonderful. So, do you have any questions for me?

Emily

Yes. Do you have benefits?

David

What better benefit than me? Say, have you heard this joke-- 

 (bell rings)

Emily

Do you have benefits?

David

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

 (bell rings)

Emily 

Do you have any benefits?

David

Yes, we can give you full use of a chair, paper clips and stale oxygen! You can't take those home, though, little lady. (bell rings)

Emily

Do you have any benefits?

David

Yes, we have a very nice medical and dental plan.

Emily

Terrific.

David

Oh good, I was hoping that would interest you.

Emily

Oh really, why? Is the pay terrible?

David

Nope. You make at least three bucks an hour.

(bell rings)

David

Four dollars an hour.

(bell rings)

David

Five dollars an hour and a stick of gum at the end of every shift.

(bell rings)

David

Well, the starting salary is 12 dollars an hour.

Emily

Oh.

David

But you get a merit increase every six months.

Emily

That’s not bad at all.

David

I mean, do you have to scrub out toilets with your finger...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, do you have to talk your coworkers off the roof every three hours...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, you do have to shave your head and start worshipping Hitler...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, do you have to take out the trash once in awhile....

Emily

I see. Well, I don’t mind taking out the trash every once in awhile.  Just as long as everyone helps out.

David

That's great. We really like everyone to be a team player around here. Listen, our regional manager is out of town until Thursday, would you be available to come in for a second interview?  He’s a really fun guy.

Emily

Yeah, I mean, I’m volunteering at the Reading Center until noon, but I can make it after that.

David

Great, and how’s your availability in general? Do you volunteer a lot?

Emily

I do, but they are really flexible. I can switch times whenever I want. Does the company ever do charity work?

David

Yes, we host a soup kitchen twice a month. Can you bake cornbread?

Emily

That was the first recipe my mother taught me to make.

David

And do you like cream of broccoli?

(pause)

Emily

Actually, I think it’s kind of gross.

David

Thank you! Sarah keeps saying we should make it, but everyone is against it.

Emily

Do I get vacation time?

David

Yes.

Emily

And sick days?

David

Absolutely.

Emily

And is it okay if I bring a Magic 8 ball to work?

David

Why not?

Emily

This Thursday, right? What time?

David

Does 2:30 work for you?

Emily

No problem.

David

Great. Well, thank you very much for coming in.

Emily

Thanks for having me.

David/Emily

No problem.

End

My New Career of Unemployment

So you want to be unemployed, huh? For others, this method of not contributing to society is an easy one. Infants have been unemployed for years, and there seems to be an everlasting supply of these little leeches. What is nap time if not training for future drunken homeless activities? Another growing opportunity for having no opportunities is becoming a student. Think of the job world as a giant ocean. Students are the wimps who claim they've just eaten and they need to wait at least thirty minutes before going in. Graduate students are just teenage girls that don't want to get their hair wet. But eventually, we all have to strap on those little floaties of education, adjust the goggles of ambition, and jump into the exciting waters of adulthood and responsibility.

And then along came Zeke the Recession Plumber and drained every single drop of hope and prosperity.

And here we are. Not swimming in a giant ocean filled with job interviews, but meandering through a vast desert, licking the sandy floor in hopes of getting a drop of a 12 hour work week. People with college degrees are using their leather bound promise killers as means for shade or firewood at night. Somehow your credit card statements have sprouted wings and hungry beaks and are circling above you. What can we do? How can we tell the difference between an oasis and a job application for Taco Bell? And how can we get by in this time of economic strife?

I choose humor. And booze. But mostly humor. This is the first in a series of installments of the Starving Artist With Access To The Internet (or SAWATTI). I hope to explore the highs and lows of not possessing your dream career, yet not stuck with the worst job in the world either. It will include what to say when that certain someone strikes a condescending smirk and squawks "Sooooo...How's it GOING?", what not to say during an endless myriad of job interviews, and fun activities to pass the time while waiting for job agencies to call you back (turns out it's not beating your head against your steering wheel while blaring Celine Dion's "All By Myself"). Whether you're a Republican blaming the Recession ("Damn you Obama!") or a Democrat ("F*** you Bush!") there's something here for everyone. And mainly, that something is hope.

And booze. But mostly hope.

Tune in next week for "The 5 stages of Unemployment" or "While My Checking Account Gently Weeps"....

Seaon Three: Psych! Act Two

Reena

(Reena and Ruth sit watching TV in the common room)

Ruth
Have you thought about what you're going to do once you get out of here?

Reena
Yeah, I think I'm going to be a nun. I think it'll be really cool, you know? Waking up early, wearing simple clothing again, that will be a relief, let me tell you. Thong panties ain't no picnic. Especially when you gotta pretend that it's sexy and you're enjoying it. Nothing gives a man greater pleasure than watching a girl enjoy herself. So now they'll be watching me, enjoying the fuck outta myself in my habit.

Ruth
Sister Reena. That's got a nice tone to it. Are you Catholic?

Reena
No, but I know a lot about guilt, that should cover it, don't you think?

Ruth
Sure, sure. I just think it's great that you're getting out. Some people here are in here for life, like Khan or Crystal, but you've got other good things to share with the world Reena. You're going to be just fine.

Reena
Yeah. Thanks.

Ruth
I can't believe we didn't give you a proper goodbye party. On Ward Six they let them have goodbye parties, people bring cakes and they eat with plastic forks. Forks. Not sporks, forks. Man fuck sporks.

(Paul enters)

Paul
Hey little sister.

Ruth
Big Brother, what's going on? What have you been doing?

Paul
Writing statements.

Ruth
Thanks for letting me borrow your CD player. It's really been helping, I can't even hear Old Yeller at night anymore.

Paul
You're welcome, I'm glad you like it.

Ruth
Do you think I could borrow your universal remote?

Paul
Oh, well, I don't know.

Ruth
Please? Whenever we want to watch TV during lunch it's always something really boring, like soap operas.

Paul
You gotta promise to take real good care of it. Never let it leave your sight.

Ruth
It will be in my professional care. I promise.

Paul
Okay then.

(Paul digs the remote out of his fanny pack)

Paul
I'm trusting you little sister.

Nurse
Brit-Ruth? Ruth North? Do you know what time it is?

Ruth
Yeah, it's 2-Oh! Right! Sorry! I'm coming!

(Ruth sits with Connor)

Connor
How are you?

Ruth
I'm acknowledging your presence, thanks for asking. How are you?

Connor
Very well, thank you. So, you were late because you were talking with Ruth and Paul?

Ruth
Yeah, it's nice to have people here to talk to. It's rare to find good people.

Connor
Did you find it hard to find good people outside of here?

Ruth
No, not really. I mean, my dealer was a pretty nice guy. All my co-workers were very friendly, but between all of our schedules, it was hard to find a time to get together. And I do better by myself, I think. I like my alone time. Dr. Connor?

Connor
Yes?

Ruth
Do you really think that I'm bipolar?

Connor
Yes.

(long pause)

Ruth
Are you sure?

Connor
Yes.

Ruth
Isn't this diagnosis...kinda...permanent?

Connor
It is something that you will have to treat for the rest of your life, yes. You seem ashamed.

Ruth
Well, yeah. I'm in a mental hospital. I'm surrounded by a lot of fucked up people, taking meds and basically shunned away from real life. I think ashamed is an understatement.

Connor
And if you were in the hospital with a broken leg, would you feel ashamed about that?

Ruth
Depends on how I broke it.

Connor
Or if you had Type One Diabetes, would you feel ashamed about that?

Ruth
Probably not.

Connor
Then why feel shame over this?

Ruth
Because I did this to myself!

Connor
I don't think you did this to yourself. I don't think anyone could give themselves manic depressive disorder. You are a very talented woman Ruth, but even that is something that is out of your capabilities. Did you decide to stop sleeping?

Ruth
No, I just couldn't fall asleep. I tried to.

Connor
This was going to happen no matter what you did or did not do. You couldn't change it even more than trying to change having a physical illness.

Ruth
You know, I've had a lot of time to sit and think about the events that led me here. Heck, I've had so much time in here that sometimes all I'll do is stare at the dust motes in the air. They're up, they're down, they twist through the air and seem to just sway there, held by an invisible hammock. And it seems like their fate isn't so different from mine: we're just flying wildly from place to place, blown into another existence because someone exhaled.


Kareoke

Nurse
Okay, so we have a Karaoke machine here, and a bunch of CD's.

(Sudden screaming and yelling)

Xena
Aye, Dios Mio, she's awake.

Nurse
So we'll all take turns and choose one song to sing, okay? Who wants to go first?

Xena
Ruth! Ruth wants to go!

Ruth
What? No-

Xena
Yeah, come on girl. You always sing so sweetly at night with your headphones on, sing something!

Xena
Yeah, sing My Heart Will Go On!

Ruth
Seriously?

Paul
C'mon little sister! I bet you have a pretty voice!

Ruth
Okay. You have to be honest, Big Brother, and tell me if I'm no good, okay?

Crystal
She's not good!

Nurse
It's Ruth's turn, now, okay?

Ruth
No, she's right, I'm terrible.

Crystal
You're terrible.

Ruth
You'd better sing with me, so I don't screw up the song.

Crystal
You're going to screw it up, my vagina said so.

Ruth
Alright Medusa, let's do it.

(Ruth and Crystal step up to the machine and grab microphones. Ruth puts the CD into the machine and the music starts as the yelling gets louder and the screaming intensifies)

Ruth
Every night in my dreams-

Crystal
EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

Ruth
I see you, I-

Crystal
EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paul
She's ruining the song! She's ruining it!

(Paul runs out of the room. Suddenly, in stumbles in a black woman in an hospital nightgown, crying and wailing loudly)

Xena
Hey, Ramona, you're just in time to sing! C'mon girl, get up here!

Ramona
WaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH. AHHHHHHH!

Ruth
Far across the distance,

Crystal
FAR ACROSS! I'M A BETTER SINGER THAN YOU ARE!

Ruth
And spaces, between us-

Ramona
AHHHH! AHHHHHH HAHH HAAAH!

Ruth
You have come to show you, go on-

Crystal
FAR ACROSS!

Ruth
C'mon Old Yell-I mean, Ramona? Here, take my mike. Please. C'mon, you know this, everyone does. Sing with me. Near.

Ramona
AHHHHH!

Ruth
Far...

Ramona
WAHHHHHHH!

Ruth
That's it, good! Wherever you are, I believe that heart does, go, what?

Ramona
OOONNNNNNN!

Ruth
Once,

Ramona
MORE!

Ruth
You

Ramona
OPEN THE DOOR!

Ruth
And you're here in my heart and my heart will

Ramona
GO ON AND ONNNNNNN!!!!!!

Ruth
Great. Great! Good job Ramona. Here, take my mike okay. Keep going.

Crystal
I told you I was a better singer!

Ruth
Yup. You were right. Keep going, sing with Ramona now, okay?

Crystal
Yes. FAR ACROSS!!

Ramona
YOU'RE HERE! THERE'S NOTHING I FEAR!

Crystal
FAR ACROSS!

Xena
Nice job.

Ruth
Thanks. You had to choose My Heart Will Go On, didn't you?

Xena
Hey, it's a nice change of pace from the screaming. At least now it's in key.

Goodbyes


(Reena sits on a bed with Ruth holding Xena's pillow)


Reena
I don't wanna go.

Ruth
What you do mean? You're getting out of here, you're going to become a hot nun.

Reena
I just don't want to go. It's easy in here. Out there, you gotta make decisions. You have to do things, it's just harder. Like trying to play a instrument perfectly for the first time. You have to be the smartest, bravest one out there to get by. I like getting my meals served to me! Sporks aren't so terrible. Half the time I just use my hands.

Ruth
You can do this. You're making a good decision.

Reena
I don't know, time just go by so fast when you're in here.

Ruth
Are you kidding? It feels like three years have gone by each day.

Reena
Yeah, I guess their scheduling could be better.

Ruth
I heard on Ward Six they have exercise sessions that are really good. Could you imagine us trying to have a fucking exercise session?

Reena
Crystal would do nothing but exercise her vagina.

Ruth
Hell, she could probably pull crystals out.

Reena
Don't be around when I leave okay? I hate goodbyes.

Ruth
Will you write me?

Reena
Oh please.

Ruth
No, I'm serious. I want to hear from you, what you're doing, how you're doing it. You'll be this wise, virtuous woman of God and I'm going to need that in my life to help me get by.

Reena
You are so weird.

Ruth
But you still like me, right?

Reena
Yeah, I like you.

Ruth
Then that's fine.

Reena
Be careful now, this place will chew you up and spit you out.

Ruth
Nah, this place can try to chew me up, but it'll just start to choke and I'll fly out of its mouth.

Reena
God you are so weird.


Big Brother

Paul
Little Sister, may I have my universal remote back please? I'd like to watch the news.

Ruth
Didn't peg you for a news watcher, Big Brother.

Paul
Yeah, I like to keep up on current events.

Ruth
You just want to impress Nurse Sara when she leads Group.

Paul
Now that is not true. I just like current events.

Ruth
I'll get the remote, it's in my room.

(Ruth starts walking toward her room. As she approaches, Khan walks out)

Ruth
What are you doing?

Khan
What?

Ruth
Why were you in my room?

Khan
Sorry mommasita, it just smells so GOOD in there I can't help myself...

Ruth
Get away from me. Now.

Khan
You smell good too.

Ruth
Shut up and get away from me! Nurse! NURSE!!

Khan
Calm down, people will think you're crazy or something..

Ruth
I'm not crazy! You're crazy! GO AWAY! You're not even supposed to be on this side of the ward! Nurse!

Khan
You see, no one's going to listen to you in here.

Ruth
I'll kick your ass.

Khan
It'll just set you back. All I want is one-

Ruth
No.

Khane
Just one-

Ruth
Get away from me!

Nurse
Alright, Khan, what are you doing on this side?

Ruth
Something needs to be done about this.

Nurse
I know, Ruth. Okay. Come on, Khan.

Xena
Hey, what was that about?

Ruth
He's some kind of criminal. Have you seen the dead look in his eyes? It's like there's a tiny Nazi living in his soul.

Xena
What did he want?

Ruth
Who cares? What was he doing in my room?

Xena
You don't think...

Ruth
What? You think he was like, going through my underwear or something?

Xena
Maybe he's wearing them right now.

Ruth
Ew! That's disgusting!

Xena
If I were you, I'd check.

(Ruth goes to her drawers and starts searching)

Ruth
Oh no.

Xena
What?

Ruth
No, no, no.

Xena
What did he take?

Ruth
My bag is gone.

Xena
What bag?

Ruth
My electronics bag. The universal remote, the CD player, all the batteries, its' gone.

Xena
That fucker.

Ruth
Did you see him hiding anything?

Xena
Maybe he stuffed it in his pants.

Ruth
That whole bag? He's pretty skinny, don't you think we would have noticed?

Xena
Maybe he found it, stashed it in his room, and then came back for more.

Ruth
Paul's going to hate me.

Xena
Cigarette?

Ruth
We've got to get that bag back.

Xena
How? We're not allowed on the other side of the ward.

Ruth
Oh, and that stopped him?

Xena
True. So what are we going to do?

Ruth
We're going to need a distraction.

Distracting Khan

(Ruth and Xena walk down the hall where Crystal and Khan are standing)

Khan
What's up mommasita?

Xena
Excuse me? Should you be talking to me like that?

Khan
I'm just saying hello. Why are you so angry?

Xena
I mean, it's a little awkward, hitting on me with your wife right in front of you.

Khan
What are you talking about? I'm not her husband!

Crystal
He's not my husband!

Xena
Oh, then I guess he's my husband.

Crystal
He's not your husband!

Xena
Oh, you're right, my mistake. He is your husband.

Crystal
That's right, he's mine.

Xena
And he will always be yours.

Crystal
He's never going to want you.

(Crystal wraps herself around Khan. Ruth silently slips into Khan's room)

Khan
What are you doing, you crazy bitch? Get off me!

Xena
Ah, newlyweds. Don't let me stop you from expressing your feelings.

Crystal
We met in 1945 and he couldn't take his eyes off me. He said my beauty was like a sparkling diamond, and he asked me to marry him. I had seven proposals that day.

Khan
Will someone please get her off me?! Nurse! NURSE!

(Ruth comes out of Khan's room, looking defeated)

Xena
Hey man, you made the vow of holy matrimony. You were the one who said she was a diamond. You're in it now, till death do you part.

Ruth
Let's go.

(Ruth and Xena go back to their room, while Khan still struggles to get Crystal off her)

Xena
Any luck?

Ruth
I checked everywhere. In his drawers, under his bed, behind his desk, nothing.

Xena
You're sure?

Ruth
There's not a whole lot of places to hide a bag. Unless he hid it behind the nurses' station, it's not here.

Xena
Let's go smoke and think about what to do.

Paul
Little sister!

Ruth
Oh crap.

Paul
I've been waiting for you!

Ruth
I know, Big Brother, I had to do some...research.

Paul
Is it okay if I have my remote back? It's almost time for the news.

Ruth
Well, Big Brother, I have to be honest with you...isn't the news kind of depressing?

Paul
Huh?

Ruth
Don't you think it's better to read a book, or gaze out the window?

Xena
TV will rot your brain.

Ruth
Yeah, you don't want that to happen. You have to keep your senses sharp right? I mean, how are you going to get out of here if you can't outsmart the doctors?

Paul
But the news makes you smart.

Ruth
Oh, no no no. That's what they want you to think. Really, they are trying to brainwash you.

Paul
They are?

Ruth
If you listen to them, soon you'll be voting for Hitler's offspring and supporting the death penalty to all puppies. You don't want to be responsible for being a puppy killer do you?

Xena
PUPPY KILLER!! PUPPY KILLER!

Paul
I don't want to kill puppies, little sister! I love dogs! I always wanted one.

Ruth
Well, I don't know. You better let me hang on to the remote for a little while longer. At least until the murderous brain washing goons on TV go away.

Paul
Good idea little sister. I don't want to be perceptible.

Xena
You mean susceptible?

Paul
Sure.

(Paul leaves, slightly confused)

Xena
That's probably only going to work another two times.

Ruth
Well, by then I'll get it back from Khan.

Taming Khan

(Ruth is in Khan's room, going through his things. She is holding a pair of pants when Khan enters)

Khan
If you wanted to get into my pants, all you had to do was ask.

Ruth
Where is it?

Khan
(grabbing his crotch)
It's right here baby.

Ruth
You are sick and disgusting. My bag, Khan. I know you took it.

Khan
Oh come now, baby, don't be making excuses. You wanted to come in here and you know it. We'll have to be quiet, the male nurse outside is sleeping.

Ruth
Keep away from me.

Khan
Come here.

Ruth
Don't touch me!

Khan
Come on, mommasita.

(Khan reaches for Ruth. Ruth draws an arm back and punches Khan in the mouth)

Khan
Argh!

Ruth
I'm sick of your shit Khan. Now what did you do with my bag?

Khan
You punched me in the mouth! Girls don't punch people!

Ruth
Oh my god, you big baby, get over it. Answer my question.

Khan
I didn't take your bag!

Ruth
Bullshit. Then why were you in my room?

Khan
No reason.

(She reaches back as if to punch him again)

Khan
Okay okay! I was trying to find something.

Ruth
What?

Khan
I could smell it on your breath. All day. All I wanted is just one....

Ruth
You were looking for cigarettes? That's it?

Khan
Do you still have any?

Ruth
Christ. I don't know, why don't you get me some coffee while I think about it.

Khan
Cream or sugar?

Ruth
Low fat milk, no sugar. Lots of milk. Don't screw it up.

Khan
Right.

Ruth
Hey. You're sure you didn't see a bag anywhere in my room? Blue, with white flowers on it?

Khan
Huh-uh. You want anything else besides the coffee?

Ruth
A universal remote would be good.

Khan
Huh?

Ruth
Nothing. Go.

Ruth's confession

(Ruth leaves Khan's room and immediately runs into Paul)

Paul
Hey little sister! Guess what? Crystal wants me to be the best man in her wedding and I said--

Ruth
Big Brother. Something happened.

Paul
Are you getting out?

Ruth
No, it's not that. I did something.

Paul
Like what?

Ruth
I...lost your remote.

Paul
What?

Ruth
And your CD player. Big Brother, I'm so sorry-

Paul
You lost my remote? How could you?

Ruth
I didn't mean to, I put it in my room, it was supposed to be safe, Big Brother-

Paul
Don't call me that. I trusted you with my most precious item, and it's gone!

Ruth
Just listen, I think it was someone here, we can get it back-

Paul
I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Ruth
Look, I'm sorry-

Paul
You're not my little sister anymore. A sister wouldn't take something like that away from me.

Ruth
I didn't take it-

Paul
You lost it, and you're not my sister anymore.

(Paul leaves)

Making Rounds

Xena
Ruth! Get up!

Ruth
Why? It's just another day. Another morning.

Xena
Not today. Connor's here. She's doing her rounds.

Ruth
So?

Xena
So? So? They're not just any rounds, girl. She's conducting evaluations. Now is the time to get up, take a shower, get pretty, put on some nice clothes, smile, and get your ticket out of here!

Ruth
What's the point? We're all going to be in here for the rest of our lives. No one listens to us when we need help, no one cares if we're doing better, she's just going to see what she wants.

Xena
Look, I wouldn't say this to anyone but you: Shut up and get over it. We're all miserable in here, but for some of them, this is it. This is as far as they're going to go. But you, you've got a whole other world to be miserable in. You can go beyond this misery here and into a completely new stratosphere of suffering. And it will be beautiful because it's yours. Don't fall into their easy hell. This is their world. Not yours.

Ruth
What about you?

Xena
Eh, I still got some things I need to work through before I can be purely miserable. I think knowing where you are is healthy. You can't lie to yourself. Doctors, yes, yourself, no.

Last Session

Connor
You look nice today.

Ruth
Thank you. The weather outside looked nice, so I thought I'd dress to match.

Connor
The nurses have reported that you are doing much better. The outbursts have decreased, and they say you are smiling more and interacting well with the others.

Ruth
Thanks. I feel better. It's amazing what sleep can do.

Connor
How are you feeling?

Ruth
I'm a little tired of lying to myself.

Connor
How so?

Ruth
Ever since I was brought in here, I've believed that someone was to blame. The police, the doctors, the nurses, the other patients, they were somehow responsible for what happened to me. Now I see that while it wasn't them, it wasn't me either. Sometimes you can't put blame on anything, it just happens and it's up to you to figure out what's next.

Connor
What do you think is next for you?

Ruth
I'm not sure, but after this, I think I can handle anything.

Connor
You've spent a long time in here, enough time to observe the other patients and how to deal with doctors and nurses. I'm sure by now you know exactly what to say and what not to say. How do I know...

Ruth
That I'm not just saying what you want to hear?

Connor
Well, yes.

Ruth
I don't know, doc. How do I know you're not doing the same thing when you tell me I'm getting better?

Connor
Good point. Well, do you think you are ready to go back into the real world?

Ruth
Oh yeah. I think if I can survive in here, the real world should be no problem.

Connor
All right. Well, there's going to be a meeting after I finish my rounds. We'll see what happens, but I think you're ready to move on from here. Good luck, Ruth.

Ruth
Thank you, Dr. Connor.

Big Brother

(Ruth goes to Paul's room. The door is closed)

Ruth
Big--Paul? Paul, are you in there? I'm getting out today. I wanted again to say how sorry I am. Please open the door? Paul?

(Khan walks by)

Khan
Here's your coffee.

Ruth
Oh, thank you Khan. Is there milk?

Khan
Yes.

Ruth
Good. Go away.

(Khan leaves)

Ruth
Come on, Paul, please open the door. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here for me. You saved my life in here, and I'd just really like to see you before I leave. Please? Come on Paul, it's just a piece of electronic junk. I know you trusted me with it, but sometimes things happen and you can't just be helped. If you had lost something I had loved, I would be mad, yes, but I would have forgiven you. That's what friends do. Please be my friend Paul, please? Paul?

(no answer)

Ruth
Okay. Well, my discharge papers should be ready soon, so if I don't see you, I really hope you get better Paul, okay? Thank you.

Leaving

(Ruth stands in the hall, holding some of her clothes and a toiletry bag. The nurse has just given her discharge papers)

Nurse
All right, you take care now, you hear? And don't be getting into any more fights with cops.

Ruth
Believe me, I won't. I fought the law, and the law won. That song has never felt more true than right now.

Xena
You have my address, right? And my phone number, and my email?

Ruth
Yes. Don't lose mine now, okay? I want to here from you the minute you get out. We sisters from another mister have to support each other. (whispers) And give Khan my cigarettes. Make him work for it, otherwise all my training will be ruined.

Xena
Got it.

Ruth
I think you have a great chance at being miserable too, you know.

Xena
Oh, stop, you're just saying that. Now get out of here, I have to go to Group.

Ruth
See you on the other side.

(They grab each other's hands. Xena leaves Crystal walks by)

Crystal
Who are you going to marry?

Ruth
Oh, I couldn't marry anyone. Whoever I pick would leave me for you in a heartbeat.

Crystal
You're very beautiful. You could get married.

Ruth
Thank you. I think you're beautiful too.

Crystal
Of course I am. And she shouldn't have stolen from you.

Ruth
What? Who?

Crystal
The one who left. She was going to be my maid of honor, but I don't like thieves.

Ruth
Reena?

Crystal
No, I'm getting married, not Reena!

Ruth
Of course you are. Congratulations.

Crystal
She was going to steal my crystals too, but I hid them. She'll never get them now.


(Crystal exits)

Ruth
Well, what do I do now?

Nurse
Just go through that door.

Ruth
That's it? That's all it takes?

Nurse
That's all.

Ruth
All right.

(As soon as Ruth opens the door, the lights go to black and music can be heard)

Frankie D's voice
All right, all right. Good evening my fellow hipsters, Frankie D's in the house keeping you alive and groovy tonight. Hey it's time for our special dedication hour, and we have a very special one tonight...

(lights come up and we see Paul in his room, opening a package)

Frankie
This one goes out to Paul, from his little sister, and she says "I'm sorry Big Brother, for what I did, but hopefully you get my package soon, and know that you are never far from my thoughts and my heart. Stay strong". Well Paul, on behalf of Ruth and myself, this one's for you.

("My Heart Will Go On" begins as Paul opens the package and pulls out a brand new universal remote and a CD player)

Paul
Thanks little sister.

(Lights out)

Season Three: Matt's Monologue

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Season Three: Marci's Monologue

Marci


I don't know where these are coming from, but someone needs to put them back. This is a new millennium, women can be executives, sports casters, and can run for president, for God's sake! But there are some things that should not be equal. There are some things that women should not partake in, and that my friends, is the naming of our private parts. It's just a vagina! It's something that should just have an "insert here" label. It's not something to fuss over or create stupid little nicknames that don't make any sense! Who wants to refer their private parts as a Va Jay Jay or Woo Ha or Muff? Or a Peep, Poop A Loo or Pussycat? Who are these people, and when did they think that these names could work? It's ridiculous! Let men name their situations, it's embarrassing enough when they do it. I guess when it's just dangling in front of you all day you feel compelled to name it, but we're women. All of our sex organs are tucked up neatly inside. We don't just let it all hang out. We're different than our male counterparts for a reason. There are some things we can share. Love of sports, beer, certain kinds of music, but this, this is where it ends. There is just no good word for what we've got going on down there. There never will be. But can't we all just agree to not continue the search for ridiculous words for our private areas? Could we not use nicknames during foreplay? Just shut up and do me! God!

Psych!

(A stark white office. White table, white computers, white walls. No windows. Ruth, 22, sits in a white chair, facing the desk, looking nervous, like a child in detention. Behind the desk sits a nurse in a white uniform. We hear a ticking clock. They sit in silence while the nurse reads his clipboard. A very long silence)


Nurse
Do you know why you're here?

Ruth
Yes.

Nurse
Would you like to tell me what happened?

Ruth
Sure. See, it's not my fault. I took something, I bought some pot from this delivery service, and I was having a really bad day, like I can't even tell you. So I told him to make sure it was extra potent, you know, just give me the good stuff so I can relax and forget about life for a few seconds, you know? I realize this is probably escapism, and I will never, ever, take that brand of pot again, I swear. It smelled minty, I remembered that much. Well, I had a small pipe, just barely bigger than a one hitter, you know? And I only took two hits-TWO HITS, that's all I swear, just two. And I think it must have been laced something, like PCP. Well, the next thing I know I wake up, and I'm here.

Nurse
You were brought in by the Mount Sinai EMT's at 2:14 AM. with a 215 BPM. You were singing and screaming (glances at report) "I am Britney Spears. IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH" while attempting to pull free of your restraints.

Ruth
I don't remember that.

Nurse
We had to administer two sedatives to calm you down, and even then you were awake the entire night.

Ruth
Wow. Really?

Nurse
Surely you remember trying to escape the hospital this morning.

Ruth
Nope.

Nurse
The admitting nurse panicked when she couldn't find you. She managed to locate you out on the street trying to find the Q45 bus. Ms. North, you can't just leave the hospital after a manic attack like that.

Ruth
Manic? What are you talking about? This was because of some bad pot, I think it must have been laced with PCP or something. Trust me, I've been smoking steadily for two years now and I've never had a reaction this bad before. Ever.

Nurse
Do you hear voices inside your head?

Ruth
No.

Nurse
Have any thoughts about killing yourself?

Ruth
No.

Nurse
Have you ever been depressed?

Ruth
No. Look, are these normal questions for a discharge report or something? Because I really need to go, I have to be at work at nine, and it's an important meeting. I cannot be late.

Nurse
Ms. North, you were brought in as an emergency admission. According to the police report you jumped in front of traffic screaming for help before leaping onto the hood of a police car yelling "I win motherfuckers!" It took six of them to restrain you to a gurney. You spat on a cop's shoe as they tried to examine you. You kept calling them "Pig Motherfuckers" and attempted to strike a female officer. You asked one of the male cops, and I quote "Daddy, do you want to-"

Ruth
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. I might have been paranoid probably from smoking weed and having the cops there, but it's out of my system now, I'm safe now, and slightly screwed because I'm in a hospital and I don't know how long of a subway ride it'll be from here to work, but that's it. So what is the last discharge question?

Nurse
Ms. North, these aren't questions for your release. This is an admittance questionnaire.

Ruth
I'm sorry, a what?

Nurse
An admittance questionnaire.

Ruth
Admittance to what? Like, a confession or something? Okay, yes, I confess to-

Nurse
Ms. North-

Ruth
To some illegal activities that probably aren't the best for me--

Nurse
Ms. North--

Ruth
But you can't!--

Nurse
Calm down, please--

Ruth
You can't keep me here!-

Nurse
I'll send someone in here if you can't--

Ruth
What gives you the right to do this?!

Nurse
In an emergency admission-

Ruth
It wasn't an emergency, I was fine, YOU people chose to bring me in, not me!

Nurse
In an emergency admission, it's required that we keep the patient up to sixteen days--

Ruth
Two WEEKS?!

Nurse
for further observation. To make sure the patient isn't a harm to herself or others.

Ruth
This is ridiculous, I didn't want this, I don't belong in a hospital....

Nurse
You will be assigned to a doctor-

Ruth
Oh, great, and who is going to pay for this? You? Since you chose this for me?

Nurse
And a floor on one of our psychiatric wards.

Ruth
Psychiatric...you think I'm crazy?

Nurse
I don't think you're crazy.

Ruth
You do. You think I'm insane? All it was was weed! That's it! I only took two hits! TWO!

Nurse
Based on the police report and your outbursts here, you'll be assigned to Doctor Connor on Ward D.

Ruth
I can't be here for two weeks! I have to be at work in less than an hour! I'm not supposed to be here anyway! Not in a mental hospital!

Nurse
Ms. North, I've been as patient as I can be. My advice is, if you're really not supposed to be here, then we'll get you out as soon as possible. But for now we have to monitor you for your safety. That's our job.

Ruth enters Ward D with two nurses. They unlock the main door and usher Ruth inside.

Nurse
Welcome to Ward D.


(Sudden screaming and terrified yelling can be heard)

Nurse
I'm Nurse Noor, myself and Nurse Patrick are the main heads here.

Ruth
Nurse Noor, fantastic, you can help me. There was a communication issue-

Nurse
If you need anything, clothes, towels, pillow cases, you come to us.

Ruth
I'm not going to need anything, I'm not staying here-

Nurse
If you need to shave we will provide you with a razor that you will use in front of an attendant in one of our public bathrooms.

Ruth
I'm not staying here. As soon as I speak to Dr. Connor I won't need to be here-

Nurse
We do not allow smoking on this floor. We have group sessions daily and private sessions with your doctor three times a week.

Ruth
Three times a week? Does that start right now? You know, like a preliminary meeting?

Nuse
You must attend all appointments with your doctor and group sessions as well.

Ruth
With crazy people? I have to talk to crazy people?

Nurse
We have breakfast at nine AM, lunch at one PM, and dinner at six PM. You will take your medications after each meal. No snacking in between meals. No inappropriate behavior with the staff. Is all that clear?

Ruth
Yes, but look, you really should be telling this to someone who is actually going to be here-

Nurse
We'll be assigning you to stay in Room 11A with Ms. Gomez tonight-

Ruth
No, I'm not planning to stay here for the night. As soon as I see the doctor, he is going to release me immediately, where is he?

Nurse
Dr. Connor has already left for the day, but SHE will be back tomorrow afternoon, you can speak to HER then. What's your name?

Ruth
Ruth North.

Nurse
I'm sorry?

Ruth
Ruth North.

Nurse
That's not what the ER records show.

Ruth
Well, that's my name.

Nurse
Please don't lie to me. I wouldn't want to start off on the wrong foot. Now, your name please.

Ruth
Ruth. North.

Nurse
Well, we're getting better. At least the last name is correct. Let's try again. Your first name please?

Ruth
You know what? Let's just cut to the chase, what do you think my name is?

Nurse
That's not protocol. Please state your first name, Ms. North.

Ruth
I don't know! I don't know who I am apparently! I'm lost in a insane asylum, stuck with lunatics and sociopaths and people like you who are driving me crazier than I already am! WHICH I AM NOT! I came to this hospital against my will, you people brought me in here, and now you're changing my name! So what else? What else do you want? Where's the doctor?! I demand to see someone competent here!

Nurse
Patrick, Sam, please take Ms. North to our isolation room.

Ruth
No! No, I don't need an isolation room! I need to get out of these rooms! That's how they brought me in here, they brought me into a little room, police were everywhere-

Nurse
Ms. North-

Ruth
At least that's what they said. They said I was crazy, but I'm not! Can you at least tell me my name? Please?

Nurse
Patrick, Sam, please take Ms. Britney North to isolation room one please.

Ruth
Britney?!

Nurse
Yes, when the ER asked us your name, you responded "It's Britney, bitch".


(Ruth is brought her room. There is a small mattress on the floor with a small stack of clean blankets and sheets on it. There is a tiny window overlooking the city. The walls are padded)

Ruth
Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in room with padded walls. I lived there. I died there. They planted flowers there and the roots came down and tickled my nose. That made me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room with padded walls.

(She gets into bed and folds the sheets around her. She closes her eyes. Suddenly we hear screaming, wailing, and yelling. Ruth switches positions on her bed. The screaming continues. She shifts into a different position. The screaming gets louder)

Ruth
I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY, 12 3 4 5 6 SWITCH! CRAZY SLOWLY GOING AM I 6 5 4 3 2 1 SWITCH. I AM SLOWLY GOING CRAZY 1 2 3 4 5 6 SWITCH! CRAZY SLOWLY GOING AM I 6 5 4 3 2 1 SWITCH

Lights fade.

Current Events

(We are in a small, brightly lit room. Chairs and patients sit in a small circle, with a Guard standing near the door)

Nurse
Okay, now that we are all here--

Reena
We aren’t all here. Paul’s in the bathroom, puking again.

Nurse
Thank you for being so informative Reena, but let’s concentrate on who IS in the room, and who wants to talk about current events. Now I have some printouts here-

Crystal
I have MORE printouts than her. She doesn’t even have the right ones.

Reena
Yeah, where’d you get the printouts? We 'aint allowed to even be in the office unless it’s with a counselor.

Xena
She IS a counselor, estupida. Did your pimp daddy slap you too many times in the head or something?

Reena
Yo, don't talk to me like that!

Xena
I'll talk the way I wanna!


(Sudden screaming and yelling. Eventually the screams die down to a wail. Silence)

Julie
I would like to hear about the current events, please?

Nurse
I like how Julie asked politely for the printouts. Okay, so the current events are things that are going on in the world that we should be aware of. I'll just pass these around...

Crystal
I already have them. I got them from my vagina

Reena
That’s not true! That’s not even true!

Crystal
They ARE from my vagina, and they are more TRUE than ANYTHING

Xena
Shut it, both of you. This is not productive to current events! Why the fuck do we even bother with this shit anyway? It's pointless! And who the fuck is she?

Nurse
Everyone, this is Britney.

Ruth
OH MY GOD.

Ruth
She just transferred up here, so let’s make her feel welcome now, okay?

Crystal
She doesn’t have printouts in her vagina.

Nurse
No, that’s correct Crystal, but maybe she would like to talk about something current she experienced before she got here.

Crystal
She doesn't know anything because I just gave birth to her. She came out of my vagina and there are crystals all over her.

Nurse
Okay, I guess that's all we can do for now for Current Events. Everyone please take a print out and next time we'll discuss it, okay?

(Everyone gets up to leave. Ruth is still sitting in her chair)

Ruth
Excuse me, when is Dr. Connor coming in?

Nurse
She should be in after two.

Ruth
And can I see her then?

Nurse
Do you have an appointment?

Ruth
I don't know. I should.

Nurse
Well, we'll see when she gets in.

(The nurse leaves. Ruth gets up to leave and walks down the hallway. She stops and looks across the hallway at a man with a cross tattooed on his cheek. He wiggles his eyebrows at her and kisses the air. Ruth keeps walking past an older woman in her 40's with frizzy hair)

Crystal
You may have been born from my vagina, but he doesn't want to fuck you.

Ruth
Excuse me?

Crystal
He doesn't care about you at all. He was fucking me a few minutes ago. We're going to get married, he told me, and you are not invited to the wedding.

Xena
Okay, momma, you're right, when she comes running toward your wedding, we'll hold her back and won't let her in, okay?

Crystal
That's right. That's right.

Xena
Okay, bu-bye now.

Crystal
Bye bye.

Xena
Girl, what's your problem, why are so estupida to look at fucking Crystal Meth in the eyes? It's better if you just agree with her.

Ruth
Who?

Xena
Crystal. She's like the Wicked Witch of the Ward. She thinks she's got crystals coming outta her whoo ha and they tell her things.

Ruth
Oh my God.

Xena
She's annoying, but she's not as bad as Old Yeller.

(Sudden screaming and crying. Incoherent yelling. A young black woman is walking across a hallway, holding her head and yelling as loud as she can. She walks into a door, yells at the door, goes into her room and slams the door. Yelling is muffled)

Xena
Don't make eye contact with her either, don't try to tell her to shut up, only I can do that, and don't try to yell over her. It's impossible. C'mon, it's lunch.

Ruth
Oh.

(They walk up to an attendant, each receive a tray, and walk toward the dining area)

Xena
Who else. Let's see. That's Donna. She's been here pretty much the longest out of everybody, that's why we call her Momma Donna. I don't know what's wrong with her, but don't get in her way when it's time for her to call her daughters. Other than that, she's cool, you can always go to her if you're hungry, she hides food in her room constantly. Over there's Reena, she's on crack but she's got a heart of gold. That's Khan, and whatever you do, don't let him get to you. He is a motherfucker. Fuck him. Got it?

Ruth
Fuck Khan.

Xena
Good, but don't let Crystal hear you. Do you know where you're staying yet?

Ruth
Room 11?

Xena
You're with me. It's down the hall, on the girl's side. Right side is girls, left side is boys. There isn't a single fucking hot guy here. They're all dogs.

Reena
Ruff! RUFF RUFF RUFF!

Xena
Ay! Chica! Why you gotta do that right in my ear?

Reena
Hi! I'm Reena!

Xena
Reena's a stripper.

Reena
Si, mama, I give good lap dances. You want one?

Xena
Ew, no I don't want your dirty coochie up in my face. Ask the new girl, yo, what's your name again?

Ruth
I'm not supposed to be here.

Xena
Okay. Denial, nice to meet you.

Ruth
No, I'm Ruth, I'm just here until they figure out I'm in the wrong place. There was a misunderstanding.

Xena
Hey, no way, that's what I told them too Ruth. Right after I downed a bottle of pills, my husband found me and I was like "Ay, this was just a misunderstanding".

Reena
Yo, I was a crack head, that was all just a misunderstanding.

Xena
See? We're all just a bunch of wrongly interpreted people.

(Sudden screaming and yelling)

Xena
Except for Old Yeller.

(Old Yeller screams and moans. The lights dim but the screaming never dies down. The lights rise to Ruth in bed. Xena is on the other side of the room, reading in bed)

Ruth
Xena?

Xena
Yeah mama?

Ruth
What happened to you? I mean, after you took the pills...

Xena
My husband found me in the bathroom. I've never seen him so angry in all my life. I could see the veins bulging in his neck. I thought he only reserved that face for his futbol games. The next thing I know, I'm here, listening to Old Yeller and trying to find peace within myself and shit. It wouldn't be so bad if I could see my son. My husband comes to visit but he won't bring him. I know it's better this way, I don't want him to see me like this, or have him be in this place. I don't think I would wish anyone to be within these walls. What about you?

Ruth
Smoked too much pot. I think the last one I had was laced with PCP or something, made me act real crazy.

Xena
Girl, that shit is shit. And it can't be traced either, I betcha they didn't find any of it in your system?

Ruth
Nope. Now I'm just on whatever drugs they're giving me now.

Xena
You don't know?

Ruth
No, do you?

Xena
Nope, I'm just keeping a low profile until I can see Connor. I figure they're watching every move I make, so I gotta be a good girl. Gotta show them I don't belong here.

Ruth
Hah. Me neither girl. Me neither.



Waiting for the Good Doctor

(Ruth is pacing back and forth in front of Dr. Connor's office. She tries to peer in through the window. She knocks on the door. Nothing happens)

Ruth
Hey? Excuse me? Doc? Yo Doc! Get me outta here! Does it look like I'm supposed to be here?! Huh?! I'm living next door to Old Yeller here! Are you people estupida or something?!

(Khan enters, whistles appreciatively)

Khan
Damn, momma, you sure you're a white girl? I think you got some blackness in ya.

Ruth
Get away from me.

Khan
That's right, show your blackness baby.


(She runs down the hall to the main desk)

Ruth
Nurse? Nurse. Nurse. Nurse. Nurse nurse nurse nurse nurse!

Nurse
What is it Britney?

Ruth
Ruth. My name is Ruth. Look, I've been waiting all day, dealing with crazy people named Khan and Crystal Meth, okay? I. Don't. Belong. Here.

Nurse
Your scheduled appointment with Dr. Connor isn't until Tuesday at 2:30.

Ruth
No. I need to see her now.

Nurse
Ms. North, we need to stabilize you and monitor the medications first. There are also other patients that need to see Dr. Connor as well.

Ruth
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Nurse
Ms. North, do we need to isolate you again?

Ruth
OH MY GOD!

(Ruth storms away from the desk and sits on the floor away from Dr. Connor's office. There is a sound of a toilet flushing and Paul enters)

Paul
Hi. Who are you?

Ruth
I don't know right now.

Paul
Okay.

Ruth
I think I am going fucking nuts.

Paul
Okay.

Ruth
Oh god, maybe I am fucking nuts. I mean, I don't know what's worse, people either treating like you're crazy when you're not, or people pretending everything's fine when you're falling apart? Not that I was falling apart, not that I am falling apart, I'm just saying...I just don't know what the fuck to do, the more I try to tell these people I'm fine the more they don't believe me! I wish I had a lawyer.

Paul
I could be a lawyer.

Ruth
Thanks, but I don't think they'd take you seriously.

Paul
I can be serious. I could say, "Hey! I'm a serious lawyer, and you need to be nice to this lady, because she is having a bad day, and she should be having a good day because she is a nice lady".

Ruth
Thanks.

Paul
Am I nice?

Ruth
What's your name?

Paul
Paul!

Ruth
Paul, you are very nice. You're more like the big brother I never had.

Paul
Thanks, little sister.

Ruth
You're welcome Big Brother.

Paul
Little Sister, have you tried a written statement?

Ruth
A what?

Paul
You should try writing a statement about how you shouldn't being here, like, write when you got here, how you don't like it, and how if they don't release you, you're going to contact a lawyer for them keeping you here against your will.

(sudden screaming and wailing)

Ruth
Oh, God are they ever going to shut her up?

Paul
I don't know.

Ruth
How long have you had to listen to this?

Paul
I don't know, I think she came about two days before you did. You wanna borrow my walkman? I like to listen to Mariah Carey when I hear the yelling. It helps.

Ruth
Oh, no, I couldn't take away your salvation.

Paul
Little sister, take it! That's what Big Brothers do.

Ruth
Thanks, Brother.

Paul
You're welcome sister.

Therapy With Connor

Ruth walks to Connor's office wearing the skirt her mother sent)

Khan
Mmm-hmmm, that's right momma, show your blackness.

Ruth
Shut up! Don't talk to me! Don't you even talk to me!

Nurse
Now Ms. North, please try to calm down.

Ruth
Are you kidding me?! Did you just hear what he just said to me? Do you know that he does this to all the girls on this floor?

Nurse
It won't do you any good to see the doctor like this.

Ruth
This is bullshit. This is utter bullshit. What are you people good for?

Nurse
You see, Patrick, this is what I was telling you about.

Nurse Patrick
Yes, I see.

Ruth
Wait. Did you say I'm going to see the doctor?

Nurse
She's ready for you now.


First Session With Connor

(Dr. Connor and Ruth sit across from each other, and don't say a word. A very long silence passes between them. Ruth glances at the clock. It's ticking very loudly)

Connor
How are you today?

Ruth
You know, I always thought that was a rather silly question for someone to ask in a hospital. Whenever I was sick, or if had a broken leg, the first thing the receptionist or nurse or doctor would ask is "How are you?". And it's like, why are you asking that? Clearly I am not well, that's why I'm here. They're really just saying "Hello, I am acknowledging your presence right now". And I would be no better, because I would always respond with "fine" because I was really saying "Yes, I acknowledge your presence too". But seriously, who is actually fine in a hospital?

Connor
So how are you really doing?

Ruth
Fine.

Connor
I see.

(A very long pause)

Ruth
How are you?

Connor
Fine.

Ruth
Of course you are, you're not the crazy person in the room.

Connor
Do you think you're crazy?

Ruth
Everyone else is treating me like one.

Connor
Who is that?

Ruth
The nurses, the other patients, everyone. Just now the nurses looked at me like they were afraid I'd go over the edge.

Connor
Are you afraid of going over the edge?

Ruth
Haven't I already? I mean, isn't that why I'm here?

Connor
Why do you think you're here?

Ruth
Well, Dr. Connor, I think I'm here because of the latest invention of automobiles which are able to transport a being from one area to another. I was brought here by YOUR lovely EMT people.

Connor
And what were you doing before you were brought here?

Ruth
Working, living life.

Connor
And were you happy, living life?

Ruth
Well...I mean...how does one really know what happiness is anyway?

Connor
How many hours of sleep were you getting?

Ruth
Okay, well actually, I haven't been sleeping very well these past few months.

Connor
Was there an average number? 6? 4?

Ruth
Two.

Connor
Two hours a night?

Ruth
A day. I would take long naps during the day. Before I was brought in here I wasn't...exactly...sleeping.

Connor
The nurses have noted that you don't eat all of your meals.

Ruth
Well, it's too much.

Connor
Too much food?

Ruth
Yeah, they bring in extra stuff that isn't necessary. A cup of cereal, milk, a hard boiled egg, a small muffin, coffee, and juice? You don't need two servings of grains in one meal, and there's protein in an egg, so why add the milk? And the muffin is just extra fat, there's no way I'm eating that. No, there's nothing wrong with just an egg and coffee.

Connor
And lunch and dinner?

Ruth
One half of a pb and j for lunch, and the other half for dinner. So what?

Connor
Have you ever had distorted eating habits before?

Ruth
I don't have an eating disorder.

Connor
I didn't say you did.

Ruth
And it was a long time ago. I didn't know what my body needed, and now I know what's necessary.

Connor
Have your friends noticed a change in your behavior?

Ruth
They don't understand. They keep asking me "What's happened? You've changed" but it's all well and good for them, they're all secure in their marriages and husbands and children, they have no idea what it's like to be on your own, trying to survive. Look, are you trying to make a point? Because I've been patient with your questions but really I just wanted to meet with you so you could sign me out of here.

Connor
Lack of sleep, change of appetite, noticeable change in behavior are all signs--

Ruth
Signs of what?

Connor
Bipolar disorder.

(long pause)

Ruth
I'm sorry, what?

Connor
When the police brought you in, you were experiencing a manic episode.

Ruth
That wasn't manic, that was resisting! They brought in me against my will!

Connor
Do you think the police meant to harm you?

Ruth
Can we go back to this whole bipolar thing?

Connor
If you'd like. Do you find yourself taking on new projects, or handling more than might be capable?

Ruth
Yeah, the last two weeks I've had some really good ideas to start a...that's another symptom, huh.

Connor
We can talk about it more in our next session.



Play Time

Xena
Hey chicia, how was therapy? She say when she's gonna spring you?

Ruth
She said I was bipolar.

Xena
So you're staying, I take it.

Ruth
I'm not bipolar. Why would she say I'm bipolar? Do you think I'm bipolar?

Xena
Psst, who isn't these days?

Ruth
Is that what's wrong with you?

Xena
No, I'm just deeply unhappy.

Ruth
Is that why you've been staring out the window every day?

Xena
One of the reasons, yes. You see that little park across the street?

Ruth
Yeah.

Xena
Well, my husband promised he'd take our son there so I could see him. He said when he got the chance he'd come at one with Michael, but he was pretty pissed at me the last time he was here. I think he's punishing me.

Ruth
Why was he pissed at you?

Xena
I said some things he didn't like.

Ruth
What things?

Xena
GIRL. SOME THINGS, ALL RIGHT?

Ruth
Aye, aye, okay chica I got it.

(Reena enters)

Reena
Girls, look what I got from my momma!

Xena
Oh lord, girl, can't you see we're having a conversation?

Reena
Well, fine. I was gonna share my treasures, but if you don't want them I'll just go over to Momma Donna's--

Ruth
Aw, come on, don't be like that. What'd you get? Chocolate, fancy cookies, weed? Ha ha, just kidding.

Reena
Check it!

(Reena holds up a pair of fashionable ladies underwear)

Xena
Ooh, that's cute! I guess when you're a stripper, panties are like new school clothes!

Reena
Right?! I like this one, it's got little bows in the back.

Ruth
That is cute.

Reena
You like it? Here.

Ruth
Are you serious?

Reena
Yeah yeah! I got like, thirty of them back home anyway. Here, try them on.

Ruth
Thank you Reena!

(Ruth goes into the bathroom to change)

Reena
Besides, you gotta have something nice for when Sir Hottie comes around.

Xena
Sir who?

Reena
Girl, the fine janitor! I don't know his name yet, but I will soon. That man is like a fine piece of black chocolate, I just wanna lick him all over.

(Ruth comes out, modeling the underwear and a tank top. She poses as Reena wolf whistles and makes cat calls)

Ruth
Wait, what janitor are you talking about? All I've seen is old Russian ladies emptying our garbage.

Reena
Ooh, no no no, you haven't been here on the weekends. Trust me, when you see him, you'll want to give him a private showing of your new wardrobe.

Ruth
It would be nice to get some decent looking men up here.

Reena
Mmm-hmmm.

Xena
Amen.

(general pause)

Ruth
Reena, do these panties make me look bipolar?

Reena
What?

(blackout)

Programming

(Ruth and Paul sit in the hallway, fixing Paul's walkman)

Ruth
Okay, now number four.

Paul
Number four! What do you want on here?

Ruth
Umm....well, do we already have 96.7?

Paul
96.7...nope, we do not little sister.

Ruth
Okay, let's make four 96.7.

Paul
But little sister, that station's only static.

Ruth
It's okay Big Brother, some day you'll be in a town with different reception, and maybe 96.7 will have be the greatest radio channel in the world.

Paul
I already know the greatest radio channel in the world.

Ruth
Which one's that?

Paul
106.1, the Quake. The station that shakes up your morning, noon and night, with DJ Frankie D!

Ruth
I take it you like this station.

Paul
"Hey all my Mac Daddy's and Susie Q's, this here is Frankie D giving you all the sweet songs of yesteryear, and here's our special dedication hour" That parts my favorite, Frankie D gives messages to listeners over the airways, like "To Margaret from her baby daddy Jake: He says he's sorry from the bottom of his heart, and he wishes he never went to that strip club".

Ruth
Can we program the fifth station to be 106.1?

Paul
Yes we sure can. Hey little sister?

Ruth
Yeah?

Paul
Do you wanna see my special remote?

Ruth
Uh, Big Brother, I don't think brothers and sisters should share that much with each other.

Paul
No, it's really cool, I've had it since I got here and it works really well!

(Paul pulls a silver remote out of his fanny pack)

Ruth
Oh! Oh thank god. Wow. I thought you were...that's...that's neat Big Brother.

Paul
And guess what? It works on all the TV's here!

Ruth
But the TV in the common room has all the knobs twisted off...

Paul
Still works!

Ruth
Okay, that is cool. I haven't been able to watch anything since I got here.

Paul
Here. You can borrow it for a while, but you gotta take real good care of it. It's special.

Ruth
I promise.

blackout

Weekend Plans

(Ruth is watching TV in the common room, or rather, she is just flipping channels rapidly)

Ruth
This is just beautiful.

Reena
Ruth! C'mon girl!

Ruth
What?

(Reena drags Ruth into her room, where Xena is sitting on her bed, bouncing on her bottom)

Reena
Come on, put your lucky panties on, put on some makeup, let's go!

Ruth
What? What's going on?

Xena
He's coming!

Reena
Oh, I'm coming just thinking about it.

Ruth
Mr. Dark Chocolate, our sexy janitor?

Reena
YES!!

Ruth
Holy shit, why didn't you say so?

(Ruth runs into the bathroom to change, clutching the panties and her skirt)

Reena
Hurry UP!

Xena
You think she can do it?

Reena
Look at her, she's fresh meat, of course she can.

Xena
Good, 'cause I'm about the freak the fuck out.

Ruth
Does anyone have any chapstick?

Reena
Psst, screw that, here, try my lipsmackers, it tastes like honey.

Xena
Okay, Ruth, you look beautiful. But here's the situation. We need to smoke. Badly.

Ruth
For real? Cuz I'm telling you, I haven't had any weed since I've been in here, and I'm dying...

Reena
Huh?

Xena
Well, Reena, I guess he could get that too, he's a brother, he would know...

Ruth
Get that too? What were you talking about?

Xena
Cigarettes.

Ruth
Oh. Ohhhh....

Xena
Here's the thing though. It would take longer for him to get "it", and I don't have any money on me. Do you?

Reena
Nah, I just need to get some nicotine in me, period.

Xena
Also, it'll be harder to disguise the smell. It takes longer for it to go away, and I'm pretty sure Noor wouldn't be to happy if she caught us...and they will catch us.

Reena
Yeah, maybe we should just stick to cigarettes.

Ruth
Oh sure, sure, that sounds good to me.

Xena
Okay Ruth. The trick is to be cute and flirty. It won't work if you just ask him directly, he's a hot guy and you're a cute girl, so you gotta make it sound like you have a problem that needs solving. Guys love solving problems.

Reena
My pussy has a problem. His dick aint in it.

Xena
And this is why we aren't sending you. Also, make it look like you are just hanging out, don't approach him straight on, that'll startle him.

Ruth
Don't approach him straight on, and give him a problem to solve. Got it.

(Knock on door)

Troy's Voice
Garbage!

(Mass giggling ensues)

Reena
Come in!

(Troy enters, keeping his head down as he grabs the garbage can. He is an extremely attractive black man, wearing a blue shirt with a nametag reading "Troy" on it. He doesn't make eye contact with any of the girls as he exits)

Ruth
I got an idea.

(Cut to Troy in the hallway, emptying the garbage into a larger trash can. He begins to mop the floors)

Ruth
JESUS you guys! ENOUGH!

(Ruth storms out of the room and past Troy. She sits on a chair at the end of the hallway. She sighs and looks up to the ceiling)

Troy
You all right?

Ruth
You ever feel like you're surrounded by crazy people?

Troy
Yeah, every day I come to work.

Ruth
Yeah, but you get to go home at night.

Troy
Hey, same people, different location.

Ruth
Yeah, but your crazy people haven't made you crazy. You look very sane.

Troy
Why thank you...what's your name?

Ruth
Ruth.

Troy
Ruth? I'm Troy.

Ruth
I know, it says so on your shirt.

Troy
So Ruth, why are your friends driving you crazy?

Ruth
Well Troy, I'll just be honest with you.

Troy
I appreciate that.

Ruth
They seem to think I can hustle you for cigarettes. I told them you wouldn't do it, you are sane, nice looking man who could probably get in big trouble for aiding a bunch of crazy girls, but they wouldn't listen, they've been hounding me for days, trying to get me to do it, and now they're getting vicious. They're spreading lies about me to the staff, getting me in trouble, but I don't care. I told them I wouldn't do it, and I won't. I don't care if they keep making me miserable, I just don't want you to get into trouble.

(pause)

Troy
I wouldn't get in that much trouble.

Ruth
You wouldn't?

Troy
What brand you like?

Ruth
Does not matter. The cheapest you can get. We got ten dollars, you want me to get it now?

Troy
Nah. Don't worry about it. I have one with me right now, you can have that, and then I'll be back tomorrow with a pack. That cool?

Ruth
That's very cool. Thank you Troy. You just saved me.

Troy
Don't worry about it. Girls can be vicious.

Ruth
Tell me about it.

Smoking in the Girls Room

(Reena, Xena and Ruth are lighting the cigarette in their bathroom)

Xena
No no, wait.

(She turns on the shower as hot as it can go)

Reena
What, you wanna have a sauna with your smoke?

Xena
No, estupida, this'll help get rid of the smell. Here Ruth, you deserve the first puff.

Ruth
I feel like I'm in an after school special.

Xena
Que?

Ruth
Nevermind. Give it here.

Reena
Ooh, I've been waiting for this for two weeks!

Ruth
(coughs) Two weeks? Does that mean..

Reena
Yeah girl. I'm getting out in a couple of days.

Ruth
Really? That's...great Reena.

Xena
(takes a puff)
Yeah yeah, we're all jealous of your skinny ass, bitch.

Reena
Bitch my ass is luscious, gimme my cigarettes.

Xena
So what are you going to do when you get out? Go back to stripping, see a few ho's, visit your former pimp for old times sake?

Reena
Oh, just shut the fuck up for once girl. Let me enjoy my Marlboro while I can.

Ruth
He's coming back with a pack tomorrow.

Xena
Really? Nicely done girl!

Ruth
Thank you! See, a bipolar person probably couldn't do it. She'd probably be do manic or whatever to handle anything.

(Ruth takes a puff)

(There is a knock at the door)

Xena
Shit.

Reena
Fuck, put it out, put it out!

Ruth
Just chill girl, flush it down the toilet, Xena, use your perfume, I'll get the door.

(Ruth goes out of the bathroom, walks to the door)

Ruth
Who is it?

(She opens the door. Khan is standing in front of her)

Khan
What's up momma?

Ruth
Aren't you supposed to be on the other side?

Khan
What's shaking?

Ruth
Get out of here.

Khan
Something smells good.

Ruth
What are you talking about? GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!

Nurse's Voice
Britney, calm down!

Ruth
MY NAME IS RUTH AND THERE IS A BOY ON THE GIRL'S SIDE AND HE NEEDS TO LEAVE NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!

Khan
Okay! Okay Okay Okay! I'm going! Jeez black momma, don't raise a fuss. See you later.

Reena
What did he want?

Xena
Who cares? Girl, you gotta a set of lungs on you. You could give Old Yeller a run for her money.

Ruth
He shouldn't be anywhere near us. It's totally creepy. What was he doing, sniffing around here? Do you think he knows? Do you think he saw?

Xena
Saw what?

Ruth
He said, something smelled good in here.

Reena
You don't think...

Xena
He was talking about the perfume.

Ruth
How do you know?

Reena
He knows.

Xena
We don't know that he knows.

Reena
I betcha anything he knows.

Ruth
Oh god, what are we going to do?

Xena
Just lie low for a few days, we won't smoke for awhile, he'll forget about it, and...and...

Reena
Girl?

Xena
Dios mio. It's my son! Es mi hijo! He's down there! My husband actually brought him, look!

Ruth
Aww, where?

Xena
See that man with the orange coat? Near the water fountain? That's him, and there's my son, on the slide! Oh, he's on the slide, look at him.

Reena
He's cute.

Ruth
He's adorable.

Xena
He's perfect. He looks so small from up here. Oh, be careful baby! Don't run too fast!

(Xena tries not to cry)

Xena
What did I do?

Ruth
It wasn't your fault.

Xena
Really? Some other girl named Xena forced pills down my throat and made it so she can't even hold her baby now? What a bitch, I should kick her ass.

Reena
Yeah, and while we're at it, I wanna get a hold of this Evil Twin Reena and smack the crack pipe right out of her hand. Ruth?

Reena
I just wanna find those cops and ask them what were they smoking when they got me, cuz I want to try that shit.

Blackout. End of Act One.