Undead Anonymous Scene IV

(Lights rise, we see Cody standing in front of Rita, pantomiming a great fight)

Cody

So like, I’m cornered right? And these are big ones, they must have been truckers or bouncers or maybe even like, wrestling champs, you know? And there’s like, five of them? All coming at me? And I’m backing up slowly, ‘cause I don’t want to make any sudden movements, that’s just inviting them to take a chunk out of ya…so there I am, crawling slowly, I can see the drool just dripping off this old guy, and man was he ugly. Half of his face was scratched off, his hair was matted with blood, flies crawling out of his nose, I wanted to puke. But I kept my cool and thought, okay, what would Bruce Willis do? He’d be resourceful. I look around and realize I’m in the produce section. Rotting watermelons, melted ice everywhere, and out of the corner of my eye I see one of those fruit scales. I twist around, shoot my arm out, and grab it. The Old Dead Guy makes a lunge at me, and SWOOP! I nailed him in the head, and he goes flying, brain goop spraying everywhere. The rest run right toward me, but I kept my cool. I kick the first one in the head, he goes down in front of me, I jump on his back and launch myself into the air, and use both sides of the scale to cream two and three. I’m still flying, and I realize I’m heading right towards the last one, and his long nails are reaching for me. So I pull the scale closer to me, and use it like a pole vault and stick the end right between the fucker’s eyes, and vault right over him. You know, no big deal. It was fun.

Rita

How did you get the bruise on your knee?

Cody

Well, normally when you go pole vaulting, you let go of the pole, but when you’re fighting freaking zombies, you gotta keep your weapon handy at all times. So I was like, still holding onto it when I landed, and it got in my way and I kinda fell on it.

Rita

Whoa, so you like, fought off five zombies to get us food.

Cody

Well, Danny helped a little. He grabbed everything while I was killing ‘em.

(True comes over and sits down next to Rita)

True

I thought you said you didn’t even fight them.

Cody

Well, I was trying to be humble.

(Danny walks by)

Danny

Secrets and silence kill, Cody.

Rita

What is he talking about?

Cody

I dunno.

True

You didn’t actually fight five zombies, did you?

Danny

That’s not entirely true.

Cody

Okay, on the way back, I thought I saw one, but it turned out to be a mirror. Which is now totally dead, thanks to me. I kicked its ass.

(Ron enters)

Ron

Okay. I think I got everything organized back there. From what Danny and Cody brought back, we’ll be able to make oatmeal out of the coffee maker in the morning, and everyone gets two protein bars and a roll of Ritz crackers for lunch, and two bowls of Top Ramen at night. If we stick to the schedule, we can hold out for three weeks.

Chris

Good work you guys.

True

I used to think if I ever saw another Top Ramen package again after college, it’d be too soon. Now I almost cried with relief when I pulled them out of the shopping bags.

Senator

Well, I think this calls for a celebratory meeting. What do you say, gang?

Rita

Actually Senator, if you don’t mind, I’d kinda like Chris to do it. He was so awesome yesterday…

True

He got us all to sit down and actually laugh.

Senator

Ron?

Ron

Well…you know I love you man…but it might be good to switch things up a little, don’t you think?

Senator

Yeah, yeah, sure you can start us off today Chris.

Chris

Wow. Thanks guys.

(They all sit in a circle)

Chris

Okay. Welcome to Undead Anonymous. My name is Chris and I am an addict.

All

Hey Chris.

Chris

This a closed meeting, only members with a pulse are allowed to attend. If you have any drugs or paraphernalia on your person, or have developed the insatiable need for human flesh, we ask that you please leave the meeting as this is damaging for recovering addicts in this meeting. Now may we pause for a moment of silence for the still suffering addict as well as our lost friend, Aaron, followed by the serenity prayer.

(silence)

Chris

God.

All

God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Chris

At this time I’d like to welcome back Danny and Cody from their grocery excursion from Hell.

(All applaud and cheer)

Chris

Is there anyone with an NA birthday or celebrating proud time today?

(Rita nudges Cody)

Cody

What?

Rita

Um hello, don’t you remember tard, you got 30 days yesterday.

Cody

Oh! Yeah! Uh, hey I’m Cody, I’m an addict, and I have 31 days today.

(Everyone applauds loudly. Chris gets up and hands Cody a keychain, and they hug)

Chris

Anyone else?

(silence)

Chris

Okay, in lieu of True’s last share, I made some adjustments to the literature, I have asked someone to read Who is an Addict?

True

Yeah, I’m True and I’m an addict.

All

Hi True.

True

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—whether it be pills, powder, or the soft brain tissue of a living person. We lived to use and they used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs and/or a freak virus. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, death and undeath.

All

Thanks True.

Chris

And I’ve asked someone to read Why Are We Here?

Ron

Yo, I’m Ron and I am an addict.

All

Hi Ron.

Ron

Before coming to the Fellowship of UA, we could not manage the fall of humanity. We could not live and enjoy life as the other zombies do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in still breathing. We placed this ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have a pulse at all costs. We seemed to be incapable of facing the afterlife on its own terms. Many of us ended up bitten or sought help through the police, religion, and ammunition. None of these methods was sufficient for us. The diseased always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation we sought help from each other in Undead Anonymous. After coming to UA, we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

All

Thanks Ron.

Chris

As you can see, our message is not easy, but it is simple. The steps will work for you if you work them. Only through the help of our sponsor, our group, and our Higher Power can we finally live life on the afterlife’s terms. Through our disease we learned that one human brain is one too many and a thousand never enough. I would now like to pass the meeting over to Danny, who has graciously agreed to chair.

All

Thanks Chris.

Danny

Hello everyone, I’m an addict named Danny.

All

Hi Danny.

Danny

I’m really struggling today. I always preach how we should always choose honesty every time, and I’m such a hypocrite. I’ve been lying to myself ever since we got back. I feel like someone should take away my clean time, confiscate all my chips and key chains and just throw me outside right now. So I’m just going to admit the exact nature of my wrongs, and hope that I don’t get what I deserve: We were coming back from Safeway, it was pitch black outside and we were doing pretty good, keeping low to the ground and cutting through backyards. When we reached the church parking lot, Aaron just freaked out. I don’t know if he couldn’t take the pressure or what, but the next thing I knew he dropped his bags and just started sprinting toward this car. One of the undead was trying to break into it, probably to snack on a dog inside or something, and Aaron was screaming and looked like he was going to rip its head off. Suddenly three others just appeared out of the parking lot. I know nothing I do now is random. I am not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery. I’m the one making choices now. Cody was hurt, we had the food, but Aaron wasn’t too far away. I chose to save myself. I chose to take my selfishness to a whole new level and save myself rather than help someone else. My nature is cowardly and greedy, and I’m wrong. That’s all I got.

All

Thanks Danny.

Chris

You weren’t wrong.