The Nanny Chronicles

When I was twelve years old, my friend Britney and I were obsessed with "The Babysitters Club". It was the kind of obsession where you had a row and a half of your bookcase dedicated to the series but would never, ever bring a single copy to school or breathe one breath of this in the hallways. We were forever following this impossible dream of achieving popularity and somehow, discussing what Kristy and Mary Anne were up to didn't seem like the way to do it.

Yet we still sought to create our own babysitters club. We printed fliers and passed them around town, with all the enthusiasm of the five year olds on the corner with their very own lemonade stand. Like the five year olds, our only customers were our parents and our parent's friends. Yet I still kept a torch burning that one day, I would work with a flawless agency, caring for children and being really good at it.

Fifteen years, two theater degrees and a recession later, I find myself doing just that. My life has taken me to some extraordinary places: Scuba diving with sharks in Hawaii, befriending French tourists in hooka bars in New York, and now I am a professional On-Call Nanny for the greater Puget Sound area. I shall explain what exactly that means in the upcoming chapters, but for now know that for the last three months I have worked with well over a hundred families. I know how to get babies to sleep, how to negotiate with two year olds, and especially how to nanny parents. I evolve from a perfect stranger to family member in an eight hour shift. I've sat for different cultures, creeds and classes, from the rich to the very rich, and everything in between. I've been to Bothell, Kirkland, Snoqualmie, Seattle, and that was just my first week. I'll take you through it all, tips and tricks, secrets and more, and hope that you enjoy the ride as much as I do. Welcome to my world. Hit it!

Undead Anonymous Scene IV Part 2

Senator

Hey, no cross talk. I’m Senator and I’m an addict.

All

Hi Senator.

Senator

Well well. I think—

(A huge bang is heard from the other side of the door)

Chris

Shit. Where’s the axe?

Rita

I thought you said they were moving on, Senator!

Senator

They are!

(Door bangs again)

Aaron’s Voice

Help! Someone help me out here!

Ron

Oh my God.

Danny
Aaron?!

Chris

Quick, get the door!

Senator

No! Listen! There are others out there!

Cody

Well, uh, yeah, that’s probably why he wants in.

Senator

If you let him in the others will know we’re here!

True

So, you want us to leave him!

Senator

He shouldn’t have run off. He made that decision.

Danny

And I’m making this one.

(Danny moves the desk and begins to open the door)

Senator

No!

(Danny opens the door. Aaron comes charging in, holding an unconscious girl. Danny helps him. Rita runs to shut the door, but as she does, a slimy hand darts out and grabs her shirt. Rita screams and tries to pull away, but the hand starts to drag her out the door. Senator backs slowly away in fear. Chris runs forward with the axe and chops the undead arm off, just as True shuts the door. Ron and Cody hurry to barricade the door as Senator watches)

Aaron

Fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Chris

(To Rita)

You alright?

Rita

Yeah. God that was close.

Chris

Let me see.

(Inspects Rita)

Chris

Looks like your shirt took most of it. I don’t see a scratch anywhere.

Rita

Seriously Chris, if you hadn’t been there…

Chris

Hey, it’s okay.

(She jumps in his arms. He looks a little startled)

Aaron

Motherfuckers! Those fucking motherfuckers! Fuck!

Cody

What the hell, Aaron? Who is this? What were you thinking?

Aaron

Don’t fucking touch her! I got her, okay? Just back the fuck up!

Senator

Okay, guys, Aaron’s right. Let’s give our guest a little breathing room here.

Cody

Seriously? You almost got us killed, TWICE, just so you could get some apocalyptic pussy?

Aaron

I swear to fucking god, Cody, you keep flapping your fucking mouth…

Danny

Easy Cody. You know how Aaron gets.

Cody

Yeah, suicidal. I know.

Senator

So, Aaron, are you going to remember your manners and introduce us to your, um, lady friend?

Aaron

Just don’t touch her. Everyone, this is Jodi. Jodi, this is everyone.

(Jodi’s still unconscious. Aaron picks up her hand and gives it a little wave)

Aaron

She’s not doing so well. Do we still have water?

True

Right here. Set her down Aaron. She’ll be fine.

(Aaron reluctantly sets her down. True brushes Jodi’s hair way and gives her a little water. Jodi chokes on it and wakes up gasping)

Aaron

Fucking ay.

True

Jodi? Can you hear me?

Jodi

Aaron…it’s me…

Aaron

Hey baby. I’m right here.

Jodi

Guess you’re already at the meeting….

Aaron

What? You’re here too babe.

Jodi

So glad you’re going back…anyway, I’m parked outside, I’ll see you when you’re done…love you…

Aaron

Jodi?

(Jodi passes out)

Danny

She’s delirious. She’s probably had less to eat than us and no water…

Cody

That was her car you saw…

Aaron

She didn’t get bit, I fucking swear. I popped the fucker trying to get in, but then three just came outta nowhere, I had no time to run or fight or anything. She unlocked the door and we’ve been hiding out ever since.

True

How did you get past them?

Aaron

I cut myself and bled on this jacket of Jodi’s. Threw it out the window, hoping they’d go for the smell of fresh blood. Sure enough, fuckers ran toward it like a fag at a Celine Dion concert. I grabbed her and just ran as fast I as fucking could.

Senator

You’re lucky you weren’t killed.

True

We should get her something to eat. Ron, go get a bottle of water and some Ramen.

Ron

On it.

Senator

She’s going to affect our food supply.

Danny

We’ve still got enough for three weeks. She needs to get her strength back.

True

Not too much at once, her stomach won’t be able to take it. Jodi? You there Jodi?

Jodi

…I’m parked outside…see you…done…

True

Come on, Jodi, wake up.

Jodi

Aaron.

Aaron

I’m right here, Jodi baby. Come on. Come back to me.

(Ron comes back with a bowl of Ramen and some more water)

Ron

Here, let’s bring her over here and set this up…

(Aaron picks her up. Danny, True, Senator, Ron and Cody follow to a corner of the room. Aaron lays Jodi down on a table)

Rita

Crazy, isn’t it?

Chris

Yeah. I didn’t even know someone was actually friends with Aaron, let alone dating him.

Rita

Did you ever see her before?

Chris

Well yeah, but I always thought she was his cousin or something.

Rita

Well, addicts need love too, right?

Chris

I guess. But it’s not real, you realize that right? We can’t love. It’s always lust. The way we crave people, want them, desire them, need them, it’s all tied to our addictions. We’re just jumping from one fix to another. It’s like what Danny always talks about, the dangers of cross addiction. You need to stay abstinent from all kind of mood altering substances or you’ll just get sucked in again.

(Chris stares off into the distance. Rita is staring at Chris)

Rita

Uh huh. It must be hard for you to see Aaron reunited with his girlfriend. Do you think yours is still out there?

Chris

I don’t have a girlfriend.

Rita

Oh, that’s a shame.

(Cody approaches Chris and Rita. Looks at them suspiciously)

Cody

Hey Rita, Jodi’s coming around. I think she could use some like, female presence.

Rita

True’s with her.

Cody

Like I said, she could use a female presence.

Rita

Fine. (turns to Chris) Hey, would you mind if I joined you tomorrow for those meditation thingies you do? I could use some relaxation.

Chris

Sure. I like to be in the nursery around 5:00.

Rita

In the morning?

Chris

That’s when you get the best light.

Rita

Okay, sounds great. It’s a date.

Chris

Uh…

Rita

See you then.

(Rita tries to turn and walk away sexy. Doesn’t really work)

(end scene)

Undead Anonymous Scene IV

(Lights rise, we see Cody standing in front of Rita, pantomiming a great fight)

Cody

So like, I’m cornered right? And these are big ones, they must have been truckers or bouncers or maybe even like, wrestling champs, you know? And there’s like, five of them? All coming at me? And I’m backing up slowly, ‘cause I don’t want to make any sudden movements, that’s just inviting them to take a chunk out of ya…so there I am, crawling slowly, I can see the drool just dripping off this old guy, and man was he ugly. Half of his face was scratched off, his hair was matted with blood, flies crawling out of his nose, I wanted to puke. But I kept my cool and thought, okay, what would Bruce Willis do? He’d be resourceful. I look around and realize I’m in the produce section. Rotting watermelons, melted ice everywhere, and out of the corner of my eye I see one of those fruit scales. I twist around, shoot my arm out, and grab it. The Old Dead Guy makes a lunge at me, and SWOOP! I nailed him in the head, and he goes flying, brain goop spraying everywhere. The rest run right toward me, but I kept my cool. I kick the first one in the head, he goes down in front of me, I jump on his back and launch myself into the air, and use both sides of the scale to cream two and three. I’m still flying, and I realize I’m heading right towards the last one, and his long nails are reaching for me. So I pull the scale closer to me, and use it like a pole vault and stick the end right between the fucker’s eyes, and vault right over him. You know, no big deal. It was fun.

Rita

How did you get the bruise on your knee?

Cody

Well, normally when you go pole vaulting, you let go of the pole, but when you’re fighting freaking zombies, you gotta keep your weapon handy at all times. So I was like, still holding onto it when I landed, and it got in my way and I kinda fell on it.

Rita

Whoa, so you like, fought off five zombies to get us food.

Cody

Well, Danny helped a little. He grabbed everything while I was killing ‘em.

(True comes over and sits down next to Rita)

True

I thought you said you didn’t even fight them.

Cody

Well, I was trying to be humble.

(Danny walks by)

Danny

Secrets and silence kill, Cody.

Rita

What is he talking about?

Cody

I dunno.

True

You didn’t actually fight five zombies, did you?

Danny

That’s not entirely true.

Cody

Okay, on the way back, I thought I saw one, but it turned out to be a mirror. Which is now totally dead, thanks to me. I kicked its ass.

(Ron enters)

Ron

Okay. I think I got everything organized back there. From what Danny and Cody brought back, we’ll be able to make oatmeal out of the coffee maker in the morning, and everyone gets two protein bars and a roll of Ritz crackers for lunch, and two bowls of Top Ramen at night. If we stick to the schedule, we can hold out for three weeks.

Chris

Good work you guys.

True

I used to think if I ever saw another Top Ramen package again after college, it’d be too soon. Now I almost cried with relief when I pulled them out of the shopping bags.

Senator

Well, I think this calls for a celebratory meeting. What do you say, gang?

Rita

Actually Senator, if you don’t mind, I’d kinda like Chris to do it. He was so awesome yesterday…

True

He got us all to sit down and actually laugh.

Senator

Ron?

Ron

Well…you know I love you man…but it might be good to switch things up a little, don’t you think?

Senator

Yeah, yeah, sure you can start us off today Chris.

Chris

Wow. Thanks guys.

(They all sit in a circle)

Chris

Okay. Welcome to Undead Anonymous. My name is Chris and I am an addict.

All

Hey Chris.

Chris

This a closed meeting, only members with a pulse are allowed to attend. If you have any drugs or paraphernalia on your person, or have developed the insatiable need for human flesh, we ask that you please leave the meeting as this is damaging for recovering addicts in this meeting. Now may we pause for a moment of silence for the still suffering addict as well as our lost friend, Aaron, followed by the serenity prayer.

(silence)

Chris

God.

All

God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Chris

At this time I’d like to welcome back Danny and Cody from their grocery excursion from Hell.

(All applaud and cheer)

Chris

Is there anyone with an NA birthday or celebrating proud time today?

(Rita nudges Cody)

Cody

What?

Rita

Um hello, don’t you remember tard, you got 30 days yesterday.

Cody

Oh! Yeah! Uh, hey I’m Cody, I’m an addict, and I have 31 days today.

(Everyone applauds loudly. Chris gets up and hands Cody a keychain, and they hug)

Chris

Anyone else?

(silence)

Chris

Okay, in lieu of True’s last share, I made some adjustments to the literature, I have asked someone to read Who is an Addict?

True

Yeah, I’m True and I’m an addict.

All

Hi True.

True

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—whether it be pills, powder, or the soft brain tissue of a living person. We lived to use and they used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs and/or a freak virus. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, death and undeath.

All

Thanks True.

Chris

And I’ve asked someone to read Why Are We Here?

Ron

Yo, I’m Ron and I am an addict.

All

Hi Ron.

Ron

Before coming to the Fellowship of UA, we could not manage the fall of humanity. We could not live and enjoy life as the other zombies do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in still breathing. We placed this ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have a pulse at all costs. We seemed to be incapable of facing the afterlife on its own terms. Many of us ended up bitten or sought help through the police, religion, and ammunition. None of these methods was sufficient for us. The diseased always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation we sought help from each other in Undead Anonymous. After coming to UA, we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

All

Thanks Ron.

Chris

As you can see, our message is not easy, but it is simple. The steps will work for you if you work them. Only through the help of our sponsor, our group, and our Higher Power can we finally live life on the afterlife’s terms. Through our disease we learned that one human brain is one too many and a thousand never enough. I would now like to pass the meeting over to Danny, who has graciously agreed to chair.

All

Thanks Chris.

Danny

Hello everyone, I’m an addict named Danny.

All

Hi Danny.

Danny

I’m really struggling today. I always preach how we should always choose honesty every time, and I’m such a hypocrite. I’ve been lying to myself ever since we got back. I feel like someone should take away my clean time, confiscate all my chips and key chains and just throw me outside right now. So I’m just going to admit the exact nature of my wrongs, and hope that I don’t get what I deserve: We were coming back from Safeway, it was pitch black outside and we were doing pretty good, keeping low to the ground and cutting through backyards. When we reached the church parking lot, Aaron just freaked out. I don’t know if he couldn’t take the pressure or what, but the next thing I knew he dropped his bags and just started sprinting toward this car. One of the undead was trying to break into it, probably to snack on a dog inside or something, and Aaron was screaming and looked like he was going to rip its head off. Suddenly three others just appeared out of the parking lot. I know nothing I do now is random. I am not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery. I’m the one making choices now. Cody was hurt, we had the food, but Aaron wasn’t too far away. I chose to save myself. I chose to take my selfishness to a whole new level and save myself rather than help someone else. My nature is cowardly and greedy, and I’m wrong. That’s all I got.

All

Thanks Danny.

Chris

You weren’t wrong.

Undead Anonymous Scene III

(Nursery. Danny sits, idly playing with some blocks, bored. The door opens and a package of Saltines drop in his lap. Danny is surprised for a few seconds, then tears into the crackers like they’re the last crackers on earth. Senator enters)

Senator:I’m a reasonable guy, Danny. And I do feel bad about keeping you and Cody quarantined from the rest of us. But you just can’t be too careful.

Danny: (mouth full) I udderstan.

Senator: It’s just this is the only room with locks on the outside, and you’re the biggest threat if you were to…ah…turn over. Cody’s about a buck ten soaking wet, and easier to control.

(pause as Danny finishes his meal)

Danny: Thanks for the crackers.

Senator: You’re welcome. Did they taste okay?

Danny: Yeah, they were fine.

Senator: Wouldn’t want something a little more…substantial?

Danny: Well, I could definitely go for a steak right about now.

Senator: A steak? Really? Huh…well, well…and if we could go back to before, when Hell was just below the earth, when there were nice restaurants and attractive hostesses and cloth napkins, and you sat across the table from your beautiful woman companion…or male, I don’t judge..

Danny: Thanks.

Senator: And a stuffy waiter comes over to you and takes your order. You order a nice salmon for your date and a New York Strip Steak for yourself.

Danny: (sighs longingly)

Senator: And when that waiter asks you how do you prefer it, you say…

Danny: With mashed potatoes and plenty of butter…man do I miss butter.

Senator: Actually, I was thinking how you prefer your steak….like do you want it barely cooked, red and raw on the inside, bleeding all over your plate…?

Danny (gives him a significant look) Actually I prefer my meat well done.

Senator: Ah. Well. You never know, things can change…

Danny: I’m pretty set in my ways.

Senator: Sure, Danny. Of course.

Danny: How’s Cody doing?

Senator: Seems to be well. No mood swings, or sudden bursts of anger. Temperature’s normal, no sudden fever or night sweats. Body’s loose and limber, no swollen joints or stiff muscles. Seems like he might make it.

Danny: And his steak preference?

Senator: I didn’t ask.

Danny: Ah.

(tense pause)

Danny: Seems like you know a lot about the living dead there, Senator.

Senator: Oh well, you know…just trying to survive. I mean, sure, I’ve picked up a thing or two from watching ‘em, but I’d hardly call myself an expert…

Danny: No, it’s pretty impressive. You must have seen first-hand how it happens. And you managed to live after watching it. That’s damn near impossible.

Senator: Oh, well…we didn’t get here because we’re weak.

Danny: Damn straight. So you must have been pretty close by to see the conversion and how it works…like during the last moments, their eyes get a milky film for the final hours, then turn yellow, and then finally bloodred.

Senator: Of course.

Danny: And how our previous conceptions were totally wrong, that there’s no initial craving for human flesh…or period of fever or stiffening of the body…

Senator: Um, right…

Danny: And I’m sure you had the chance to observe the length of time it takes to fully convert. I mean, any moron with a copy of 28 Days Later can call themselves an expert, but do they know that it takes at least two, two and half weeks before the transformation takes over? How there’s almost no warning before the victim snaps? How most of them still look human?

Senator: Well excuse me Danny, for following basic zombie principles, however outdated they may be. It’s a shame that we’re all not as brilliant as you. And who did you see die?

Danny: My wife.

(Long pause)

Danny: Cody’s fine, Senator. Why don’t you let him out already?

Senator: He’s been out for an hour now. Why don’t you join us?

(end scene)

Undead Anonymous Scene II

(The door bangs loudly.)

Danny's Voice: Quick! Let us in! Let us in!

Cody's Voice: Hurry!

Rita: Cody! He's back! They're back!

(They all work on moving stuff out of the way to let the guys in. Danny and Cody enter, their arms filled with grocery bags. Cody is limping, Danny has a giant bruise on his head. They rush to barricade the door again)

Chris: Oh my God

Rita: Are you okay?

(Senator grabs the axe)

Senator: Guys, back away.

True: What are you doing?

Ron: Senator?

Senator: Do it!

(They all back away)

Danny: Hey Senator. Good to see you.

Senator: I'm sorry, Danny. I always liked you. You were a good Home Group Member.

Danny: Were?

Senator: And I appreciate you getting food for us. That was really brave of you. But you're bringing in death with your spoils, and I can't have this group dying because of you and the boy.

Cody: What? What's happening?

Rita: Senator...

Senator: Sorry Rita. You shouldn't watch this. Go to the bathroom.

True: Whoa, whoa, what is wrong with you Senator?

Senator: They've been bit. Look at them. There's obviously signs of a struggle. We're about to lock wolves away with the sheep.

Chris: Are you fucking crazy?!

Senator: I’ll miss you Danny. Got any final words?

Danny: Senator. I understand your need to protect them. I'd be doing the same thing...

Senator: It's what you would have wanted Danny. Thanks for understanding. I'll make it quick.

Danny: I appreciate that. But do you think, maybe, you could just check, just to be sure? Especially where Cody is concerned. Be positive before you put the kid out of his misery.

Senator: Sure Danny. I'm not unreasonable. That's a fair last request. Strip Cody.

Cody: Do what now?

Senator: There's no mark on you that I can see, kid. But you're wearing a lot of baggy clothes, and we can't take the chance that your jeans have protected you from a bite or a scratch.

Cody: We didn't even fight them! Danny was amazing, we snuck right past them, he even taught me how to open a door without making a sound...

Senator: That's nice. Strip.

(Cody sighs and takes off his shirt and pants. We see a large red mark on his knee)

Senator: What happened there?

Cody: Tripped over a pipe. Nearly ruined the whole operation.

Danny: Skin's not broken, Senator.

Senator: Turn around.

(Cody slowly turns around. He's unmarked)

Senator: Well, we'll monitor you for a day or two, make sure you're fine.

Chris: Now Danny.

(Danny strips and slowly turns around. He's clean)

Senator: Well, that’s a bit of relief. I wasn't looking forward to killing you.

(Danny puts on his jeans)

Danny: Strange, I was thinking the exact same thing.

Chris: What'd you guys get?

Rita: How many of them did you see?

True: When can I go out?

Ron: Guys...where's Aaron?

(silence)

Danny: We lost him.

(End Scene)

Undead Anonymous

Rise. We are in a church basement. Coffee cups, fliers, and pens are strewn about the room. The door is barricaded with a large desk and various chairs. Five people are sitting in a circle around a small pile of pamphlets, broken cellphones, and binders)

Ron

Bacon cheeseburgers. Whoever came up with the idea of two different meat products in one sandwich was a genius. It’s the perfect combination of salty goodness and juicy beef. And slightly melted cheddar cheese. Mmmm…

True

Speaking of salty combinations, they just came out with chocolate bacon.

Chris

That’s awesome.

True

Oh yeah. My friend Rob told me about it. Apparently this chick really loved chocolate chip pancakes in the morning. One day she was in a hurry, and just inhaled the pancakes with bacon and was hit by a tasty revelation.

Rita

I used to like putting maple syrup on my bacon, but chocolate covered bacon?

True

It’s supposed to be the perfect mix of sweet and salty.

Chris

Cody would eat it.

Rita

He would eat anything. Even before this. When we were in 8^th grade, he ate a worm. Who does that past the age of seven?

Chris

It has tons of protein. Probably more than chocolate bacon.

Senator

Maybe chocolate bacon is an acquired taste.

True

Maybe. I still would’ve liked to experienced it.

(depressing pause)

Chris

What about you, Rita?

Rita

I used to really love sushi. For my junior year, my class went to Europe, and we were so excited to do things we never got to do before: go to a different country, drink in a bar, and on the way to our hotel, we saw this little sushi place and thought, why not? Ever since then it was my favorite food.

Chris

Was?

Rita

Can’t really picture me eating anything raw now. Seems…disrespectful.

(another sad pause)

Ron

It’s getting quiet out there.

Senator

Hasn’t been much activity since Tuesday, at 3:15 in the morning.

Chris

Is that good or bad?

Rita

We have to get out there.

Senator

No.

Rita

They might need us.

Senator

We have no clue what’s out there.

Chris

God, I’m so hungry.

Ron

The hunger isn’t so bad. At least we still have water.

True

For now.

Rita

Oh yeah, poor us. We’re the ones that are really suffering.

Ron

They’ll be okay Rita.

Rita

Why did it have to be Cody? He’s the youngest, he’s barely lived. Why didn’t Senator go?

Chris

That doesn’t make any sense, he’s got that bum leg, they’d catch him in no time. It should be someone young, who can outrun them.

True

Speed doesn’t mean nothing when you’re being mobbed.

Senator

Listen, no one’s getting mobbed, and no one’s going out there. They’re probably taking their time from Safeway.

Chris

Anyone but me see the irony in that? Anyone?

True

Senator, seriously, what does Danny always say in our step work?

Rita

“Secrets and silence kill. Choose honesty every time”.

True

You can’t even look us in the eye right now.

Rita

Maybe they got rescued. Maybe they’re coming for us.

True

No one’s coming Rita. Don’t start lying to yourself.

(long pause)

Ron

How fast did Cody say he could run?

Rita

I don’t remember. I was loaded every time I came to his matches. But he has some medals at his Oxford house.

Senator

He’s not alone. He’s got Danny and Aaron watching his back.

Chris

Heh. “Watching his back”. We sound like an episode of “Lost”.

Ron

Aren’t we?

Rita

Ron could’ve gone.

True

Are you crazy, he’s too old, he couldn’t keep up.

Ron

Hey, fuck you, I may have a spare tire but I move like a mustang.

Chris

Did you see how Aaron tried to weasel out of it? I mean, it was his idea.

True

Probably the only one he’s ever had.

Ron

Danny will bring them back, Rita.

Rita

What if he doesn’t? What if they panic and come back here with a legion nipping at their feet?

Senator

We'll need weapons.

Chris

All right!

Rita

No, we're not seriously thinking about doing this, are we? Weapons?

True

She's got a point, I mean, what are we going to do, fling pamphlets at them? Paper cut them to death?

Senator

We can pry off these chair legs and make a club.

Chris

I’m going to try breaking into the janitor’s closet again.

(Chris walks off stage)

Rita

Do you think it’s like the movies? Like, can they be killed through the brain? Are they slow mindless drones? Or did the virus make them stronger? Can they smell us right now? What if they’re just waiting for us to come out? What if they’re at the door RIGHT NOW?!

Ron

Shhh….calm down, you’re going to freak yourself out.

Rita

I TOLD you Cody shouldn’t have gone!

Chris's Voice (off stage)

Guys?

Ron

They’re not waiting for us. Senator’s been guarding the door every night, and he says the worst has passed. They don’t even brush against the door anymore.

Senator

They’re like predators Rita. If they can’t see us they forget we’re even here. They’ll bumble along and occasionally try the door, but they're not looking for us.

Chris's Voice (off stage)

Um, guys?

Rita

I don't care if they have the same prowess as Yosemite Sam! You don't know. Just because you've observed them, that makes you a fucking expert? Does anyone even remember who we are before this happened? Is no one keeping track? Cody has 30 days today.

True

He does?

Rita

And this is how you decide to reward him? By sending him out to die with a bunch of feeble, useless--

(Chris enters with an ax)

Chris

Guys! Come on, we’re late.

(True, Rita, Senator, Ron, and Chris all sit hunched in a circle. Chris takes a deep breath and sets down the axe. He picks up a lamented sheet of paper)

Chris

Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous. For obvious reasons, we've decided to rename the group to "Undead Anonymous". My name is Chris and I am an addict.

All

Hi Chris.

Chris

This a closed meeting, only members with a pulse are allowed to attend. If you have any drugs or paraphernalia on your person, or have developed the insatiable need for human flesh, we ask that you please leave the meeting as this is damaging for recovering addicts in this meeting. Now may we pause for a moment of silence for the still suffering addict followed by the serenity prayer.

(They Pause)

Chris

God.

All

God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Chris

Is there anyone with an NA birthday or celebrating proud time today?

Senator

I'm Senator and I am an addict, and today I have 12 years and three weeks.

(They all clap and mumble things like "Good job" and "Way to go")

Chris

Anyone else?

(pause)

Chris

I'm Chris and I have 44 months today.

(More clapping and encouragement)

Chris

At this point, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Ron, who has graciously agreed to chair.

Ron

Yo, I'm Ron and I am a grateful recovering addict.

All

Hi Ron.

Ron

And today I am reading from the Basic Text, particularly on the First Step. "Until we learn to identify with other addicts in recovery, sometimes all we can do is listen to the First Step. We can't surrender until we understand this Step and we cannot understand it until we cross the line into identification with other addicts. We do everything we can to acquire the knowledge of the reality that we have a disease and that alone, we are doomed. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable." (slight pause) I really like this reading, particularly now. I used to feel that I was the only one who could feel this way, and that I had reserved a VIP section in hell just for me, that no one could get access to. And for years, I stayed down there. I bought the popcorn, popped in a movie, and just sat with it for the longest time. And I'm not going back there. Even if hell comes up to greet me, I'm not letting it in. If others want me to join them in their Hell, sure I'll come visit. I'll buy you some popcorn even, but I won't stay for the movie. I've seen how it ends. And even now, with all this happening around us, I'm still happier than I was when I was using. And that's saying something. Anyway, that's all I got. Meetings' open.

All

Thanks Ron.

Chris

I'm Chris and I'm an addict.

All

Hey Chris.

Chris

Yeah...so I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm working on a routine and that's coming along well. I get up early, do some meditation, try not to think about how nice it would be to get high right now. I mean, if ever there was a time to just not give a crap and use, this would be it. I don't even know if my sponsor is alive, or if he's something's meal right now, so I wouldn't have to worry about what he would say right now. So now I have to be my own sponsor, and talk myself out of it. It's not hard to do, before I would just think, well yeah, if I get loaded, I'll be screwed, but I can always start over. Now it's like, fuck dude, if I go out there I will die. And that's what my sponsor used to say, but I never really took it seriously. Now it's just a fact. It's kinda bizarre how right he was. Is. I'd like to think he's still out there. Anyway, good topic, Ron. I used to hate the first step, but I think we're permanently on it. But I'm really grateful to be here. I know that my Higher Power was definitely on my side that day, I was going to go to a concert, but then I thought, nah, better check in first. Sure enough, I came here and it saved my life. So thanks everyone, I'm really grateful today.

All

Thanks Chris.

True

I'm True and I am an addict.

All

Hey True.

True

Yeah, the first step. I started thinking about how far we've come and how good we're all doing until Ron said something about identifying with other addicts. And my first thought was what other addicts? There might not be anyone left. This could be the last NA fellowship on earth right now. I doubt the demons out there are having a meeting right now. And then it hit me. We aren't the only addicts out there. And I'm not talking about the other junkies, or alcoholics, or potheads. I mean THEM. The creatures. What makes them any different from us? We bitch and cry how OUR lives are unmanageable and that WE'RE powerless? Their lives are gone! They actually have a disease, we use that word and think it means something. We're so wrapped up in our stupid little bullshit and they're dead. They sink their teeth into their loved one's flesh. We break our family's hearts. They break skulls.

Chris

So, what, you wanna get a bunch of them in here? Get them some newcomer chips?

Senator

Hey, no crosstalk during someone's share.

True

No, I just think that if we want to get out of this, we should treat them like us. We can't beat them, we can’t even beat our own addiction. So maybe we should start working the steps with them in mind. First step: We admit that we are powerless over the disease of the undead, and our lives are unmanageable. Just like Ron was talking about. That's really all I got right now. Thanks.

All

Thanks True.

(long pause)

Chris

Anyone else?

Rita

I'm Rita and I'm an addict.

All

Hello Rita.

Rita

I don't have much to say. Just that I'm feeling really powerless right now. I can't do anything but think about Danny and Aaron and Cody all the time. Hoping that Danny's plan will work, that Cody's fast enough, that Aaron's not doing anything stupid because he's Aaron...it's like I'm one of those helpless chicks in that movie, what's it called...The Perfect Storm? Just waiting and preparing for the worst. I know some of you don't believe in God, especially now, but could we all just have a moment of silent prayer for these guys who are trying to keep us from starving to death? Please?

(They bow their heads and have a moment of silence)

Rita

Thanks guys. I feel a little better now. Glad to be here. Thanks.

All

Thanks Rita.

Chris

Senator?

Senator

I'm just listening today.

Chris

Okay, that's about all the time we have for today. Please remember that anonymity is the key to our success, so what you see here, what you hear here, please leave it here.

All

Here here.

Chris

Now let's join hands and say the Set Aside Prayer.

(They get up and join hands in a circle)

Chris

God.

All

God. Please help me set aside everything I think I know about myself, my disease, these steps, and especially you. For an open heart and a new experience with myself, my disease, these steps, and especially—

(There’s a noise at the door. It gets louder as they talk)

Chris

What was that?

Ron

It’s them! They’re back!

True

Then why aren’t they saying anything? Don’t get it! It’s the others!

Rita

Maybe it’s the military. Maybe we’re rescued! Get the door!

True

No! Don’t! It’s too late! They’re gone, and they’re trying to come back in to finish us off!

Ron

Senator, get the door!

Chris

Senator, don’t you dare, you’ll kill us all.

Rita

You’re killing Cody!

True

You want to be next?

Ron

Senator, DO SOMETHING!

Senator

Can you guys pray with me?

Ron

Sure Senator.

All

God, grant me the serenity—

(The door crashes open. Blackout)

Thanks for Coming In

So...this isn't so much as a "piece inspired by" as it is a "blatant case of plagiarism" by a brilliant one-act written by my favorite writer, David Ives. I was just speculating what his play would be like if you changed the characters, setting and topic, but kept the style. If I get carted off to Writer's Prison, tell my mother I loved her.

Thanks for Coming In 

by Rose Kinne

(Lights rise. We see David, an office manager, sitting behind a desk. Secretary enters with Emily, Emily is holding a file)

Secretary

David, Emily is ready for you now.

(Secretary leaves)

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!

(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)

David

Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face. Travis said you nailed the phone interview. So, just to bring me up to speed, tell me a little about the process, how did you find out about Penultimate? 

Emily 

Penultimate? Wait, this isn't Microsoft? 

David 

Ah no. This isn't Microsoft.

Emily

Huh? What? Wait, what am I applying for again? Can you check? 

David

Um. You don't know? 

Emily

Yeah, I forgot, you know, so many applications, and I just need money, so what's this place again? 

David

My apologies, but I do not believe this is going to be the right fit for us. But thanks for coming in. 

Emily 

No problem. 

(A bell is heard off stage. Emily stands up) 

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!

(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)

David

Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face. 

Emily 

Yes, I'm so excited to be at (Subltly looks at file) Penultimate.

David

Wonderful, that's wonderful. So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us?

Emily

Well, I recently graduated with my degree in English literature, and I spent a few years working for the Admissions Office at the university and really loved it. I saw on LinkedIn that you need a receptionist, so I thought I would be a good match for your company here.

David

That's just great. I’m so glad you could make it, you seem very educated and you just have a lovely light in your eyes, like you’re ready and raring to go.

Emily

Wow. Thank you.

David

Unfortunately, I don’t see anything available for you at this time…

Emily

Oh. Oh, okay.  I’m sorry, I thought it said you were hiring right now..?

David

Oh! Yeah, whoops sorry about that, I really need to get HR to fix that. Heh, what a crazy sense of humor they've got. Oh well, what can you do. Thanks for coming in.

Emily

No. uh, problem.

(bell rings. Emily stands)

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thanks, it's so nice to meet you. (They shake hands, she sits) I'm really excited to be at Penultimate. 

David 

So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us? 

Emily 

Oh, my friend works here. He's in HR.

David

Oh Travis! Great guy.

Emily

Oh I know. And he’s got such a wonderful sense of humor.

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we used to fuck before he came out.

(bell)

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we used to make out at random college parties.

(bell ring)

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we took Intro to English Literature together in college.  

David 

Very nice. So, do you have secretary experience? 

 

Emily 

Well, no. But it doesn't look that hard. I watched The Office and I figured that was enough. 

David 

I see. 

(bell rings) 

David 

So, do you have secretary experience? 

Emily 

No. But I was a "sexy secretary" for Halloween last year. 

David 

Uh huh. 

(bell rings)

David

Do you have secretary experience?

Emily 

What does that mean?

David 

Just...have you been a secretary before? 

Emily

Isn't the term "Administrative Assistant"?

David

Well, I guess...

Emily

I mean, you wouldn't ask a man if he had experience as a secretary, would you? Because that would just sound weird, wouldn't it? That's why they changed the name isn't it? I mean, never mind that the average woman still gets 77 cents for every dollar a man earns for doing the same amount of work, or that sexual harassment is three times more likely to happen to a woman than a man in the workplace, let's make sure that a man isn't demeaned by being called a secretary! Because it's a white man's world out there, and I guess I better be grateful you even agreed to me with me at all! And if you hire me, I'll have to put up with your extremely unfunny jokes and pretending you're hilarious, or listening to you lecture me on current events or literature, which, by the way, I got my Masters in, not that you would know that, because the only thing you ask me is how my dating life is going, while every day I watch you do a job that could be done by a monkey with a stapler!

David 

All right. 

(bell rings)

David

So, do you have any experience? 

Emily

Yes, I worked for the Admissions Office at my school for a couple of years.

David

So, what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Uh...um...huh, wow, that is a really great question...eerrrr...I guess....I...think...heh heh....uuuummmmmmm.... 

(bell rings) 

David

So what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Gosh, that is so funny. I was just thinking today that I don't have one!

(bell rings)

David

What is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Answering stupid questions. 

 (bell rings)

David

What is your greatest weakness? 

 

Emily 

(about to cry) You know, sometimes I just care. Too. Much. 

 (bell rings)

David

What would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

I'm really bad at public speaking. I used to get so nervous before speaking in front of a crowd that my entire face went numb. So, during my last semester in college, I decided to take a Public Speaking course, just to see if I could do it. The first couple of times felt really nerve wracking, but the more I did it the more I realized my audience wanted me to succeed. After that I got a lot better, and now only like, half of my face goes numb when I give a speech.

David

Haha, love it. So, where do you see yourself in five years?

Emily

You know, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I just graduated school, and for the first time, I feel like it’s time for me to be an adult and enter the real world, but I’m not quite sure where my place is.

David

Sure.

Emily

I mean, sure I'd love to have a rewarding career, a nice husband, and I know I want kids. But when it comes to a specific career, I have no idea. I know I have skills, and I will work harder than anyone else you meet today, because I will appreciate it more. So much more. I just need a chance to show it. But it's hard to know what I want in five years when I can't even tell what's going to happen to me in five hours.

 

David

Well I really enjoyed meeting you.

Emily

I’m not getting this job, am I?

David

It’s not a personal.

Emily

Sure.

David

I think you’ve got a lot to offer the world. But as of right now, we’re just looking for someone with a little more ambition.

Emily

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

David

Good luck out there. Don’t give up.

Emily

I won’t.

David

Thanks for coming in.

(bell rings)

David

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Emily

I see myself as a professional writer and editor, managing a marketing team. 

David

Oh, that’s wonderful. So, do you have any questions for me?

Emily

Yes. Do you have benefits?

David

What better benefit than me? Say, have you heard this joke-- 

 (bell rings)

Emily

Do you have benefits?

David

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

 (bell rings)

Emily 

Do you have any benefits?

David

Yes, we can give you full use of a chair, paper clips and stale oxygen! You can't take those home, though, little lady. (bell rings)

Emily

Do you have any benefits?

David

Yes, we have a very nice medical and dental plan.

Emily

Terrific.

David

Oh good, I was hoping that would interest you.

Emily

Oh really, why? Is the pay terrible?

David

Nope. You make at least three bucks an hour.

(bell rings)

David

Four dollars an hour.

(bell rings)

David

Five dollars an hour and a stick of gum at the end of every shift.

(bell rings)

David

Well, the starting salary is 12 dollars an hour.

Emily

Oh.

David

But you get a merit increase every six months.

Emily

That’s not bad at all.

David

I mean, do you have to scrub out toilets with your finger...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, do you have to talk your coworkers off the roof every three hours...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, you do have to shave your head and start worshipping Hitler...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, do you have to take out the trash once in awhile....

Emily

I see. Well, I don’t mind taking out the trash every once in awhile.  Just as long as everyone helps out.

David

That's great. We really like everyone to be a team player around here. Listen, our regional manager is out of town until Thursday, would you be available to come in for a second interview?  He’s a really fun guy.

Emily

Yeah, I mean, I’m volunteering at the Reading Center until noon, but I can make it after that.

David

Great, and how’s your availability in general? Do you volunteer a lot?

Emily

I do, but they are really flexible. I can switch times whenever I want. Does the company ever do charity work?

David

Yes, we host a soup kitchen twice a month. Can you bake cornbread?

Emily

That was the first recipe my mother taught me to make.

David

And do you like cream of broccoli?

(pause)

Emily

Actually, I think it’s kind of gross.

David

Thank you! Sarah keeps saying we should make it, but everyone is against it.

Emily

Do I get vacation time?

David

Yes.

Emily

And sick days?

David

Absolutely.

Emily

And is it okay if I bring a Magic 8 ball to work?

David

Why not?

Emily

This Thursday, right? What time?

David

Does 2:30 work for you?

Emily

No problem.

David

Great. Well, thank you very much for coming in.

Emily

Thanks for having me.

David/Emily

No problem.

End