Season Three: Mandie's Monologue

Mandie

Hello. Thank you for meeting with me, I know you are probably busy right now, watching everyone with their new bags, fresh notebooks and pencil sharpeners...(sighs) so I'll be brief. I want you to take me back. Please. Pretty please? Look, I'm begging you here. I'm not ready for the real world. You can't show up wearing pajamas, you can't skip because you're still drunk from last night's kegger, and no one gives you a syllabus! Besides, you lured me here under false pretenses: Your school's motto is and I quote: "From Here, You Can Go Anywhere". Well, you can't go ANYWHERE with a four year degree in Theater! You know where you can go? The unemployment office, or a cardboard box. So you need to take me back and give me something I can use. I hear that Accounting is productive to modern society. Personally, I'd rather swallow my leather bound cover than major in it, but I'm desperate. Or Speech Therapy, I hear that's a popular major. So I'll take that one, and Accounting, and...pre-law, just because that one seems like it'll take a long time. Basically, I'd like to stay here for another ten, twelve years tops, until either the economy improves or I regain my self esteem, whichever comes first. So let's get going here! You've got all those fancy file cabinets behind you, which I'm sure I PAID FOR by the way, pull out my old application, I've got some white out in my bag, it's no problem! I'll drag my cardboard box over to the freshmen dorms and just wait for one of them to crack, you won't even notice me. Look, I have to come back, I long to smell the dirty laundry, I need to gorge on the overpriced and greasy food, and I have to lounge outside the library that I'll never go into! I want to zone out in front of a teacher rather than my own television. I want to suck at beer pong again! I know where I want to go after college. College! From Here I Can Go To Here! I'm ready! Enroll me now! School is in my possession!

Varuka's Tale

Veruca Salt

Tell my story for me, won't you? They'll get it all wrong, I'm sure. Tell them all what happens afterwards; when we burn and turn into ashes just like a wrongly accused witch. Tell them of the injustice of it all. I really don't think it was my fault, but I'm not smart enough to say what really happened. I just tried now and all it got me was incinerated. Was it all me? Tell me. And then tell them, I promise he will listen, at least. I don't know about the others. They may know already.

I mean, why is everyone staring at ME, like it's my fault? Did I do this to myself, truly? Well, okay, yes, I chose where to stand, I made my intentions loud and clear, and I awaited judgment. But what about him? What about my creator? He's the one that made me like this. He's the one who pampered and spoiled me like an overfed cat. He petted me and fed me and gave me toys that I never used. How else was this to end? You know exactly who is to blame.

Them.


Tell them.

Before the smokes clears.

Season Three: Jessica's Monologue

Jessica, a beautiful young woman, is about to give the audition of her life:


Hello my name is Jessica Rice and I will be doing a piece from Rose Kinne's "Desire". I am showing no fear and in fact have greeted you almost sheepishly, like a person who is already precast but wants to do the formality thing for practice.

(She takes a deep breath)

Nope, I am not focused. I don't know where to look; should it be slightly above you or off to the side? Let's go with off to the side, nope, bad idea, bad idea, I just looked right at you anyway, and now I can't look away. My first line will not work for eye contact. "You fucked me hard that night". Did I just say that? Yes, yes I did, I hope you don't think that I want to be fucked hard. I mean, I do, but by someone who loves me, and not during this. This is degrading enough. What should I do? Just keep going, keep acting, I won't think of myself in a ballet studio...but really, this is a dream locale for an actor. I can see my entire profile in my peripheral vision. OH MY GOD! Posture! Dear lord Jessica, did you learn nothing from your professor of Basic Movement...

...What did my professor say that one day? It was really important, something about how you should never let your mind wander during your craft or something...that was the same day I was wearing my new vest, and crap! I'm about to get into the "pain" part of the monologue....shit....okay, now I'm going to lower my voice and make this moment private and special, but I must first cheat out and show my good angles...there...I think I saw you lean forward!! Oh my god oh my god I think I'm going to win you over, I will now deliver something painful again and I will tighten my abs while bringing a part of me into this character. No, this is crap, this isn't believable at all. I'm trying to hide my pain through humor, but all I can focus on is the way my abs look in the mirror. Wait, did I just hear thank you? You did. You just thanked me.

Aaaaaaannnnd we're friends again! I'll try to do something memorable that won't waste any more of your time. Should I be gracious like Kristin Chenoweith? Wave like Nixon? Whatever I do, I will not say "it", I won't say it, it will not be an impulse reaction this time, there is no way they will hear me say that kiss of death known as "Thank you".

I just said it, didn't I?

Season Three: Crystal's Monolgue

Dearest Miss Rose,

I've been catching up on your blog, and I am in love with the Spokes in the Wheel of Love piece! I'm wondering if you'd mind me using a cutting of it for an audition monologue

love,
Crystal



Dear Crystal~

I'd be honored if you would use this for an audition! Let me know what you think!

Love, Rose


"Wheels in the Spokes of Love" by Rose Kinne

Scarlett

Jeff. I think it's time we talk about the monkey wrench you keep jamming in the Spokes of Our Love. Do you know how many young adult males out there are constantly screwing up their relationships? I've been reading this book, “Spokes in the Wheel of Love"

(She starts digging through her bag, mostly filled with used tissues)

And in Chapter Three, “Rocks, Small Animals, and other Obstacles in The Bike Trail to Commitment”, if--

(and here she whips out a highly over-read and abused chapter book),

--wait, ah, “if he doesn’t call back after two weeks, then the next step is a bold declaration of his feelings, for example a surprise visit at your doorstep”. Do you know how many times I’ve been available in the past two weeks? A lot. Sometimes I come home multiple times a day. If I come home at least twice a day for the past two weeks…and there’s seven days a week… I can’t do math, so let's just say I’ve come home a lot in the last two weeks Jeff. And you haven’t been there. Once. Not once! In all of those probably more than ten times you haven’t been there once. That is not good math.

Why aren’t you outside my house right now? Why don’t you miss me? Don't you want to experience the Trail of Commitment with me here? It's not that hard Jeff! Just remove your monkey wrench from the spokes of love, avoid the road kill of uncertainty, and push on the pedals of true intimacy so we can GLIDE PEACEFULLY DOWN THE TRAIL OF COMMITMENT TOGETHER!!

(end scene)

Season 3: Dorothy's First Group

(We are in a small, brightly lit room. Chairs and patients sit in a small circle, with a Guard standing near the door. He opens it and Alice, walks in. Everyone stares at her. She stares back. Nurse Mona smiles and makes encouraging gestures for her to sit down. Alice sits, but everyone still stares at her)

Nurse Mona
Okay, now that we are all here--

Rina
We aren’t all here. Paul’s in the bathroom, puking again.

Nurse
Thank you for being so informative Rina, but let’s concentrate on who IS in the room, and who wants to talk about current events. Now I have some printouts here-

Crystal
I have MORE printouts than her. She doesn’t even have the right ones.

Afrika
Yeah, where’d you get the printouts? We aint allowed to even be in the office unless it’s with a counselor.

Rina
She IS a counselor, stupido. Did the acid pour into your brain as well as your face?

Afrika
Yo, don't talk to me like that!

Rina
I'll talk the way I wanna.

Khan
Yeah, hot mama, you'll talk the way I wanna.

Karen
I would like to hear about the current events, please?

Nurse Mona
I like the way Karen asked politely for the printouts. Okay, so the current events are things that are going on in the world that we should be aware of. I'll just pass these print outs around

Crystal
I already have them. I got them from my vagina

Rina
That’s not true! That’s not even true!

Crystal
They ARE from my vagina, and they are more TRUE than ANYTHING

Ximena
Shut it, both of you. Who is she?

Nurse Mona
Everyone, this is Alice. She just transferred up here today, so let’s make her feel welcome now, okay?

Crystal
She doesn’t have printouts in her vagina.

Nurse Mona
No, that’s correct Crystal, but maybe she would like to talk about something current she experienced before she got here. Alice?

Alice looks around at the group. Khan leans forward and licks his lips very slowly. Her eyes widen. He blows a kiss at her from across the room.

Alice
Um, that guy is blowing kisses at me.

Crystal
No! He doesn't care at all about you. He was fucking me a few minutes ago. We're going to get married, he told me, and you are not invited to the wedding.

Nurse Mona
Now, this is not something that relates to Current Events.

Crystal
She doesn't know anything because I just gave birth to her. She came out of my vagina and there are crystals all over her.

Nurse April
Lunch! Lunch time!

Nurse Mona
Okay, I guess that's all we can do for now for Current Events. Everyone please take a print out and next time we'll discuss it, okay?

They all file out for Lunch.....

Chasing Love

Chase, mid twenties, is a fierce gay man who lives in the smallest hick town you can imagine. He has just returned from a college party.



Chase

At that moment I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon. You know how you're strolling along the fruits and you're just dying for something...juicy, but not too soft? Because if it's too soft, then it might go bad. You gotta test the little piece of potential before you take it home, right? Stop giggling, I'm serious about this.
I swear, as soon as I walked into that apartment, it was like strolling down the sexiest aisle in Safeway. Oh, there were potential fruits, some peaches I'd already sampled, a few cherries I'd already popped...STOP LAUGHING, I'm trying to tell you my life story here, it's very painful! Where was I...popping cherries, right...when I looked across the beer pong table and (he gasps, lost in the world of the party) that was it. The Mellen. John Mellen. I remember listening to John Mellencamp when I was with my father, stealing the CD cover at night and memorizing the lyrics over and over so my dad wouldn't think I was gay...so he'd be proud to have a straight son...so to meet someone named John Mellen was just pure satisfaction. I have to have him. He knew me from around, in fact we're normally beer pong buddies, it's very convenient how many straight super powers I have. I changed the music to "Hurts So Good" and offered my services to John as a beer pong partner. He was already too buzzed to realize that I was deliberately sucking on purpose.
Every person in them has a percentage of gay in them. Some are 15%, some are 29%, and if you're like me you realize that alcohol encourages a rise in someone's percentage. I helped him to the spare room, we laughed and wrestled and I could almost taste how juicy his lips were. He was ripe for the picking. And I knew. I knew the way you know about a really good Mellen.
I'm not going to kiss and tell, mind you, I am a gentleman and a lady at the same time. But let's just say I have a feeling that he's not going to call me. You girls have all the luck.

Season Three: Alice turns into Dorothy

(Lights down. We hear the cackling of evil flying monkeys, the screams of a young girl, and the appropriate muiscal score along with it. Suddenly, lights rise to reveal ALICE, 18, clutching a stuffed dog)


Alice:

I really don't know what happened. One minute, I was preparing to go on a trip through the woods, and the next thing I know, all these monkeys are climbing over me! It's terrifying: They keep asking me questions, I think, but I don't speak ape so I decided to keep my mouth shut. Save my voice for screaming for help, you know? But help's not coming. I don't know where my friends are, if they got lost in the thicket or maybe they did turn back...I'm on my own a lot, you see. I have to make friends as I go. It's alright. I'm not lonely, just alone. A lot.
That's not the point here. The point is I was accosted by a bunch of barbaric baboons! Flying savages! They surrounded me, no, the swooped over me and grabbed me like I was a piece of meat! One held my wrists behind my back, scrapping my face raw on the ground. Another shone a light into my eyes, and made excited whooping sounds....three more surrounded me, holding me down. One ground its nasty feet into my leg when I tried to kick at him. Another just stood there by my face and did nothing. Perhaps he was the leader, I never did get a good look at his face, but I spat on him anyway. Well, I tried, I think I got close to his foot, but it was hard to tell. Anyway, at that point they carried me away, and this I remember very clearly: Though I could feel the night air whipping through my dress and around my skin, I never felt less free in my life; their restraints held me so tightly it was like my skin was PlayDough in their hands. I could feel the circulation cutting off my wrists, feet, and when I tried to tell them, the monkeys just clapped something over my mouth which choked me and made it impossible to breathe. I tried to eat it, just to get it out of my way but it was to no avail. I was trapped and headed for the worst place I could never have imagined in my wildest nightmares: Here.
And here I am, sir. I could care less what you say you are. You are not my friend, you are not my co-worker, you are just another Monkey and no amount of glamorous disguises can change anything. I know exactly who you are and exactly who I am.

Officer Ben: And who exactly are you?


Alice: I am Dorothy Gale of Kansas, in the United States of America. One day I will get back home and leave all this insanity behind. If I still have friends out there, if your people didn't do away with them, then they will save me and take me out of....

Officer Ben: Ward AB-11 of Echo Glen Pysch. Hospital....

Alice: ....and take me out of this Witch's Tower.


end scene 1.

Season Three: Planet of the Monkeys

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgSPaXgAdzE&feature=av2e

Mona:

Hey Frank. Is that a good name for a fly? I don't know, I always think that alliteration names are kind cute for brainless animals. See? I can talk to other species. I am a very open and accepting ape. Some keep saying I'm a freak, but really I'm not. I'm not a freak, I'm not insane, I'm just complaining when everyone else thinks they're fine. But I tell the truth and it's like I'm objecting at a wedding. All I'm saying is...something. I'm trying to say something that I can't even form into words. I thought...I thought maybe I could talk to the abomination today, the human, but I couldn't do it. My tongue felt like a piece of wax. Like a candle that was made way too long. All I can see in my mind is the top half falling off into a warm puddle of candle entrails. I am disgusting, aren't I? What's more pathetic Frank? The fact that I can't find anyone in my own species or that I have a crush on a human? A kind, decent, decidedly less hairy human. Is this one of those gross fetish things that no one else has? Am I really just a loser?

Don't believe everything you breathe into your life Frank. I guess that's the best piece of advice I can give you. I believe that I love him. I believe that it might work out. I breathed all of that in and I can't even tell you if it's real or not. Are you still there Frank?

Frank?