Undead Anonymous Scene IV

(Lights rise, we see Cody standing in front of Rita, pantomiming a great fight)

Cody

So like, I’m cornered right? And these are big ones, they must have been truckers or bouncers or maybe even like, wrestling champs, you know? And there’s like, five of them? All coming at me? And I’m backing up slowly, ‘cause I don’t want to make any sudden movements, that’s just inviting them to take a chunk out of ya…so there I am, crawling slowly, I can see the drool just dripping off this old guy, and man was he ugly. Half of his face was scratched off, his hair was matted with blood, flies crawling out of his nose, I wanted to puke. But I kept my cool and thought, okay, what would Bruce Willis do? He’d be resourceful. I look around and realize I’m in the produce section. Rotting watermelons, melted ice everywhere, and out of the corner of my eye I see one of those fruit scales. I twist around, shoot my arm out, and grab it. The Old Dead Guy makes a lunge at me, and SWOOP! I nailed him in the head, and he goes flying, brain goop spraying everywhere. The rest run right toward me, but I kept my cool. I kick the first one in the head, he goes down in front of me, I jump on his back and launch myself into the air, and use both sides of the scale to cream two and three. I’m still flying, and I realize I’m heading right towards the last one, and his long nails are reaching for me. So I pull the scale closer to me, and use it like a pole vault and stick the end right between the fucker’s eyes, and vault right over him. You know, no big deal. It was fun.

Rita

How did you get the bruise on your knee?

Cody

Well, normally when you go pole vaulting, you let go of the pole, but when you’re fighting freaking zombies, you gotta keep your weapon handy at all times. So I was like, still holding onto it when I landed, and it got in my way and I kinda fell on it.

Rita

Whoa, so you like, fought off five zombies to get us food.

Cody

Well, Danny helped a little. He grabbed everything while I was killing ‘em.

(True comes over and sits down next to Rita)

True

I thought you said you didn’t even fight them.

Cody

Well, I was trying to be humble.

(Danny walks by)

Danny

Secrets and silence kill, Cody.

Rita

What is he talking about?

Cody

I dunno.

True

You didn’t actually fight five zombies, did you?

Danny

That’s not entirely true.

Cody

Okay, on the way back, I thought I saw one, but it turned out to be a mirror. Which is now totally dead, thanks to me. I kicked its ass.

(Ron enters)

Ron

Okay. I think I got everything organized back there. From what Danny and Cody brought back, we’ll be able to make oatmeal out of the coffee maker in the morning, and everyone gets two protein bars and a roll of Ritz crackers for lunch, and two bowls of Top Ramen at night. If we stick to the schedule, we can hold out for three weeks.

Chris

Good work you guys.

True

I used to think if I ever saw another Top Ramen package again after college, it’d be too soon. Now I almost cried with relief when I pulled them out of the shopping bags.

Senator

Well, I think this calls for a celebratory meeting. What do you say, gang?

Rita

Actually Senator, if you don’t mind, I’d kinda like Chris to do it. He was so awesome yesterday…

True

He got us all to sit down and actually laugh.

Senator

Ron?

Ron

Well…you know I love you man…but it might be good to switch things up a little, don’t you think?

Senator

Yeah, yeah, sure you can start us off today Chris.

Chris

Wow. Thanks guys.

(They all sit in a circle)

Chris

Okay. Welcome to Undead Anonymous. My name is Chris and I am an addict.

All

Hey Chris.

Chris

This a closed meeting, only members with a pulse are allowed to attend. If you have any drugs or paraphernalia on your person, or have developed the insatiable need for human flesh, we ask that you please leave the meeting as this is damaging for recovering addicts in this meeting. Now may we pause for a moment of silence for the still suffering addict as well as our lost friend, Aaron, followed by the serenity prayer.

(silence)

Chris

God.

All

God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Chris

At this time I’d like to welcome back Danny and Cody from their grocery excursion from Hell.

(All applaud and cheer)

Chris

Is there anyone with an NA birthday or celebrating proud time today?

(Rita nudges Cody)

Cody

What?

Rita

Um hello, don’t you remember tard, you got 30 days yesterday.

Cody

Oh! Yeah! Uh, hey I’m Cody, I’m an addict, and I have 31 days today.

(Everyone applauds loudly. Chris gets up and hands Cody a keychain, and they hug)

Chris

Anyone else?

(silence)

Chris

Okay, in lieu of True’s last share, I made some adjustments to the literature, I have asked someone to read Who is an Addict?

True

Yeah, I’m True and I’m an addict.

All

Hi True.

True

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—whether it be pills, powder, or the soft brain tissue of a living person. We lived to use and they used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs and/or a freak virus. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, death and undeath.

All

Thanks True.

Chris

And I’ve asked someone to read Why Are We Here?

Ron

Yo, I’m Ron and I am an addict.

All

Hi Ron.

Ron

Before coming to the Fellowship of UA, we could not manage the fall of humanity. We could not live and enjoy life as the other zombies do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in still breathing. We placed this ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have a pulse at all costs. We seemed to be incapable of facing the afterlife on its own terms. Many of us ended up bitten or sought help through the police, religion, and ammunition. None of these methods was sufficient for us. The diseased always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation we sought help from each other in Undead Anonymous. After coming to UA, we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

All

Thanks Ron.

Chris

As you can see, our message is not easy, but it is simple. The steps will work for you if you work them. Only through the help of our sponsor, our group, and our Higher Power can we finally live life on the afterlife’s terms. Through our disease we learned that one human brain is one too many and a thousand never enough. I would now like to pass the meeting over to Danny, who has graciously agreed to chair.

All

Thanks Chris.

Danny

Hello everyone, I’m an addict named Danny.

All

Hi Danny.

Danny

I’m really struggling today. I always preach how we should always choose honesty every time, and I’m such a hypocrite. I’ve been lying to myself ever since we got back. I feel like someone should take away my clean time, confiscate all my chips and key chains and just throw me outside right now. So I’m just going to admit the exact nature of my wrongs, and hope that I don’t get what I deserve: We were coming back from Safeway, it was pitch black outside and we were doing pretty good, keeping low to the ground and cutting through backyards. When we reached the church parking lot, Aaron just freaked out. I don’t know if he couldn’t take the pressure or what, but the next thing I knew he dropped his bags and just started sprinting toward this car. One of the undead was trying to break into it, probably to snack on a dog inside or something, and Aaron was screaming and looked like he was going to rip its head off. Suddenly three others just appeared out of the parking lot. I know nothing I do now is random. I am not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery. I’m the one making choices now. Cody was hurt, we had the food, but Aaron wasn’t too far away. I chose to save myself. I chose to take my selfishness to a whole new level and save myself rather than help someone else. My nature is cowardly and greedy, and I’m wrong. That’s all I got.

All

Thanks Danny.

Chris

You weren’t wrong.

Undead Anonymous Scene III

(Nursery. Danny sits, idly playing with some blocks, bored. The door opens and a package of Saltines drop in his lap. Danny is surprised for a few seconds, then tears into the crackers like they’re the last crackers on earth. Senator enters)

Senator:I’m a reasonable guy, Danny. And I do feel bad about keeping you and Cody quarantined from the rest of us. But you just can’t be too careful.

Danny: (mouth full) I udderstan.

Senator: It’s just this is the only room with locks on the outside, and you’re the biggest threat if you were to…ah…turn over. Cody’s about a buck ten soaking wet, and easier to control.

(pause as Danny finishes his meal)

Danny: Thanks for the crackers.

Senator: You’re welcome. Did they taste okay?

Danny: Yeah, they were fine.

Senator: Wouldn’t want something a little more…substantial?

Danny: Well, I could definitely go for a steak right about now.

Senator: A steak? Really? Huh…well, well…and if we could go back to before, when Hell was just below the earth, when there were nice restaurants and attractive hostesses and cloth napkins, and you sat across the table from your beautiful woman companion…or male, I don’t judge..

Danny: Thanks.

Senator: And a stuffy waiter comes over to you and takes your order. You order a nice salmon for your date and a New York Strip Steak for yourself.

Danny: (sighs longingly)

Senator: And when that waiter asks you how do you prefer it, you say…

Danny: With mashed potatoes and plenty of butter…man do I miss butter.

Senator: Actually, I was thinking how you prefer your steak….like do you want it barely cooked, red and raw on the inside, bleeding all over your plate…?

Danny (gives him a significant look) Actually I prefer my meat well done.

Senator: Ah. Well. You never know, things can change…

Danny: I’m pretty set in my ways.

Senator: Sure, Danny. Of course.

Danny: How’s Cody doing?

Senator: Seems to be well. No mood swings, or sudden bursts of anger. Temperature’s normal, no sudden fever or night sweats. Body’s loose and limber, no swollen joints or stiff muscles. Seems like he might make it.

Danny: And his steak preference?

Senator: I didn’t ask.

Danny: Ah.

(tense pause)

Danny: Seems like you know a lot about the living dead there, Senator.

Senator: Oh well, you know…just trying to survive. I mean, sure, I’ve picked up a thing or two from watching ‘em, but I’d hardly call myself an expert…

Danny: No, it’s pretty impressive. You must have seen first-hand how it happens. And you managed to live after watching it. That’s damn near impossible.

Senator: Oh, well…we didn’t get here because we’re weak.

Danny: Damn straight. So you must have been pretty close by to see the conversion and how it works…like during the last moments, their eyes get a milky film for the final hours, then turn yellow, and then finally bloodred.

Senator: Of course.

Danny: And how our previous conceptions were totally wrong, that there’s no initial craving for human flesh…or period of fever or stiffening of the body…

Senator: Um, right…

Danny: And I’m sure you had the chance to observe the length of time it takes to fully convert. I mean, any moron with a copy of 28 Days Later can call themselves an expert, but do they know that it takes at least two, two and half weeks before the transformation takes over? How there’s almost no warning before the victim snaps? How most of them still look human?

Senator: Well excuse me Danny, for following basic zombie principles, however outdated they may be. It’s a shame that we’re all not as brilliant as you. And who did you see die?

Danny: My wife.

(Long pause)

Danny: Cody’s fine, Senator. Why don’t you let him out already?

Senator: He’s been out for an hour now. Why don’t you join us?

(end scene)

Undead Anonymous Scene II

(The door bangs loudly.)

Danny's Voice: Quick! Let us in! Let us in!

Cody's Voice: Hurry!

Rita: Cody! He's back! They're back!

(They all work on moving stuff out of the way to let the guys in. Danny and Cody enter, their arms filled with grocery bags. Cody is limping, Danny has a giant bruise on his head. They rush to barricade the door again)

Chris: Oh my God

Rita: Are you okay?

(Senator grabs the axe)

Senator: Guys, back away.

True: What are you doing?

Ron: Senator?

Senator: Do it!

(They all back away)

Danny: Hey Senator. Good to see you.

Senator: I'm sorry, Danny. I always liked you. You were a good Home Group Member.

Danny: Were?

Senator: And I appreciate you getting food for us. That was really brave of you. But you're bringing in death with your spoils, and I can't have this group dying because of you and the boy.

Cody: What? What's happening?

Rita: Senator...

Senator: Sorry Rita. You shouldn't watch this. Go to the bathroom.

True: Whoa, whoa, what is wrong with you Senator?

Senator: They've been bit. Look at them. There's obviously signs of a struggle. We're about to lock wolves away with the sheep.

Chris: Are you fucking crazy?!

Senator: I’ll miss you Danny. Got any final words?

Danny: Senator. I understand your need to protect them. I'd be doing the same thing...

Senator: It's what you would have wanted Danny. Thanks for understanding. I'll make it quick.

Danny: I appreciate that. But do you think, maybe, you could just check, just to be sure? Especially where Cody is concerned. Be positive before you put the kid out of his misery.

Senator: Sure Danny. I'm not unreasonable. That's a fair last request. Strip Cody.

Cody: Do what now?

Senator: There's no mark on you that I can see, kid. But you're wearing a lot of baggy clothes, and we can't take the chance that your jeans have protected you from a bite or a scratch.

Cody: We didn't even fight them! Danny was amazing, we snuck right past them, he even taught me how to open a door without making a sound...

Senator: That's nice. Strip.

(Cody sighs and takes off his shirt and pants. We see a large red mark on his knee)

Senator: What happened there?

Cody: Tripped over a pipe. Nearly ruined the whole operation.

Danny: Skin's not broken, Senator.

Senator: Turn around.

(Cody slowly turns around. He's unmarked)

Senator: Well, we'll monitor you for a day or two, make sure you're fine.

Chris: Now Danny.

(Danny strips and slowly turns around. He's clean)

Senator: Well, that’s a bit of relief. I wasn't looking forward to killing you.

(Danny puts on his jeans)

Danny: Strange, I was thinking the exact same thing.

Chris: What'd you guys get?

Rita: How many of them did you see?

True: When can I go out?

Ron: Guys...where's Aaron?

(silence)

Danny: We lost him.

(End Scene)

Undead Anonymous

Rise. We are in a church basement. Coffee cups, fliers, and pens are strewn about the room. The door is barricaded with a large desk and various chairs. Five people are sitting in a circle around a small pile of pamphlets, broken cellphones, and binders)

Ron

Bacon cheeseburgers. Whoever came up with the idea of two different meat products in one sandwich was a genius. It’s the perfect combination of salty goodness and juicy beef. And slightly melted cheddar cheese. Mmmm…

True

Speaking of salty combinations, they just came out with chocolate bacon.

Chris

That’s awesome.

True

Oh yeah. My friend Rob told me about it. Apparently this chick really loved chocolate chip pancakes in the morning. One day she was in a hurry, and just inhaled the pancakes with bacon and was hit by a tasty revelation.

Rita

I used to like putting maple syrup on my bacon, but chocolate covered bacon?

True

It’s supposed to be the perfect mix of sweet and salty.

Chris

Cody would eat it.

Rita

He would eat anything. Even before this. When we were in 8^th grade, he ate a worm. Who does that past the age of seven?

Chris

It has tons of protein. Probably more than chocolate bacon.

Senator

Maybe chocolate bacon is an acquired taste.

True

Maybe. I still would’ve liked to experienced it.

(depressing pause)

Chris

What about you, Rita?

Rita

I used to really love sushi. For my junior year, my class went to Europe, and we were so excited to do things we never got to do before: go to a different country, drink in a bar, and on the way to our hotel, we saw this little sushi place and thought, why not? Ever since then it was my favorite food.

Chris

Was?

Rita

Can’t really picture me eating anything raw now. Seems…disrespectful.

(another sad pause)

Ron

It’s getting quiet out there.

Senator

Hasn’t been much activity since Tuesday, at 3:15 in the morning.

Chris

Is that good or bad?

Rita

We have to get out there.

Senator

No.

Rita

They might need us.

Senator

We have no clue what’s out there.

Chris

God, I’m so hungry.

Ron

The hunger isn’t so bad. At least we still have water.

True

For now.

Rita

Oh yeah, poor us. We’re the ones that are really suffering.

Ron

They’ll be okay Rita.

Rita

Why did it have to be Cody? He’s the youngest, he’s barely lived. Why didn’t Senator go?

Chris

That doesn’t make any sense, he’s got that bum leg, they’d catch him in no time. It should be someone young, who can outrun them.

True

Speed doesn’t mean nothing when you’re being mobbed.

Senator

Listen, no one’s getting mobbed, and no one’s going out there. They’re probably taking their time from Safeway.

Chris

Anyone but me see the irony in that? Anyone?

True

Senator, seriously, what does Danny always say in our step work?

Rita

“Secrets and silence kill. Choose honesty every time”.

True

You can’t even look us in the eye right now.

Rita

Maybe they got rescued. Maybe they’re coming for us.

True

No one’s coming Rita. Don’t start lying to yourself.

(long pause)

Ron

How fast did Cody say he could run?

Rita

I don’t remember. I was loaded every time I came to his matches. But he has some medals at his Oxford house.

Senator

He’s not alone. He’s got Danny and Aaron watching his back.

Chris

Heh. “Watching his back”. We sound like an episode of “Lost”.

Ron

Aren’t we?

Rita

Ron could’ve gone.

True

Are you crazy, he’s too old, he couldn’t keep up.

Ron

Hey, fuck you, I may have a spare tire but I move like a mustang.

Chris

Did you see how Aaron tried to weasel out of it? I mean, it was his idea.

True

Probably the only one he’s ever had.

Ron

Danny will bring them back, Rita.

Rita

What if he doesn’t? What if they panic and come back here with a legion nipping at their feet?

Senator

We'll need weapons.

Chris

All right!

Rita

No, we're not seriously thinking about doing this, are we? Weapons?

True

She's got a point, I mean, what are we going to do, fling pamphlets at them? Paper cut them to death?

Senator

We can pry off these chair legs and make a club.

Chris

I’m going to try breaking into the janitor’s closet again.

(Chris walks off stage)

Rita

Do you think it’s like the movies? Like, can they be killed through the brain? Are they slow mindless drones? Or did the virus make them stronger? Can they smell us right now? What if they’re just waiting for us to come out? What if they’re at the door RIGHT NOW?!

Ron

Shhh….calm down, you’re going to freak yourself out.

Rita

I TOLD you Cody shouldn’t have gone!

Chris's Voice (off stage)

Guys?

Ron

They’re not waiting for us. Senator’s been guarding the door every night, and he says the worst has passed. They don’t even brush against the door anymore.

Senator

They’re like predators Rita. If they can’t see us they forget we’re even here. They’ll bumble along and occasionally try the door, but they're not looking for us.

Chris's Voice (off stage)

Um, guys?

Rita

I don't care if they have the same prowess as Yosemite Sam! You don't know. Just because you've observed them, that makes you a fucking expert? Does anyone even remember who we are before this happened? Is no one keeping track? Cody has 30 days today.

True

He does?

Rita

And this is how you decide to reward him? By sending him out to die with a bunch of feeble, useless--

(Chris enters with an ax)

Chris

Guys! Come on, we’re late.

(True, Rita, Senator, Ron, and Chris all sit hunched in a circle. Chris takes a deep breath and sets down the axe. He picks up a lamented sheet of paper)

Chris

Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous. For obvious reasons, we've decided to rename the group to "Undead Anonymous". My name is Chris and I am an addict.

All

Hi Chris.

Chris

This a closed meeting, only members with a pulse are allowed to attend. If you have any drugs or paraphernalia on your person, or have developed the insatiable need for human flesh, we ask that you please leave the meeting as this is damaging for recovering addicts in this meeting. Now may we pause for a moment of silence for the still suffering addict followed by the serenity prayer.

(They Pause)

Chris

God.

All

God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Chris

Is there anyone with an NA birthday or celebrating proud time today?

Senator

I'm Senator and I am an addict, and today I have 12 years and three weeks.

(They all clap and mumble things like "Good job" and "Way to go")

Chris

Anyone else?

(pause)

Chris

I'm Chris and I have 44 months today.

(More clapping and encouragement)

Chris

At this point, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Ron, who has graciously agreed to chair.

Ron

Yo, I'm Ron and I am a grateful recovering addict.

All

Hi Ron.

Ron

And today I am reading from the Basic Text, particularly on the First Step. "Until we learn to identify with other addicts in recovery, sometimes all we can do is listen to the First Step. We can't surrender until we understand this Step and we cannot understand it until we cross the line into identification with other addicts. We do everything we can to acquire the knowledge of the reality that we have a disease and that alone, we are doomed. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable." (slight pause) I really like this reading, particularly now. I used to feel that I was the only one who could feel this way, and that I had reserved a VIP section in hell just for me, that no one could get access to. And for years, I stayed down there. I bought the popcorn, popped in a movie, and just sat with it for the longest time. And I'm not going back there. Even if hell comes up to greet me, I'm not letting it in. If others want me to join them in their Hell, sure I'll come visit. I'll buy you some popcorn even, but I won't stay for the movie. I've seen how it ends. And even now, with all this happening around us, I'm still happier than I was when I was using. And that's saying something. Anyway, that's all I got. Meetings' open.

All

Thanks Ron.

Chris

I'm Chris and I'm an addict.

All

Hey Chris.

Chris

Yeah...so I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm working on a routine and that's coming along well. I get up early, do some meditation, try not to think about how nice it would be to get high right now. I mean, if ever there was a time to just not give a crap and use, this would be it. I don't even know if my sponsor is alive, or if he's something's meal right now, so I wouldn't have to worry about what he would say right now. So now I have to be my own sponsor, and talk myself out of it. It's not hard to do, before I would just think, well yeah, if I get loaded, I'll be screwed, but I can always start over. Now it's like, fuck dude, if I go out there I will die. And that's what my sponsor used to say, but I never really took it seriously. Now it's just a fact. It's kinda bizarre how right he was. Is. I'd like to think he's still out there. Anyway, good topic, Ron. I used to hate the first step, but I think we're permanently on it. But I'm really grateful to be here. I know that my Higher Power was definitely on my side that day, I was going to go to a concert, but then I thought, nah, better check in first. Sure enough, I came here and it saved my life. So thanks everyone, I'm really grateful today.

All

Thanks Chris.

True

I'm True and I am an addict.

All

Hey True.

True

Yeah, the first step. I started thinking about how far we've come and how good we're all doing until Ron said something about identifying with other addicts. And my first thought was what other addicts? There might not be anyone left. This could be the last NA fellowship on earth right now. I doubt the demons out there are having a meeting right now. And then it hit me. We aren't the only addicts out there. And I'm not talking about the other junkies, or alcoholics, or potheads. I mean THEM. The creatures. What makes them any different from us? We bitch and cry how OUR lives are unmanageable and that WE'RE powerless? Their lives are gone! They actually have a disease, we use that word and think it means something. We're so wrapped up in our stupid little bullshit and they're dead. They sink their teeth into their loved one's flesh. We break our family's hearts. They break skulls.

Chris

So, what, you wanna get a bunch of them in here? Get them some newcomer chips?

Senator

Hey, no crosstalk during someone's share.

True

No, I just think that if we want to get out of this, we should treat them like us. We can't beat them, we can’t even beat our own addiction. So maybe we should start working the steps with them in mind. First step: We admit that we are powerless over the disease of the undead, and our lives are unmanageable. Just like Ron was talking about. That's really all I got right now. Thanks.

All

Thanks True.

(long pause)

Chris

Anyone else?

Rita

I'm Rita and I'm an addict.

All

Hello Rita.

Rita

I don't have much to say. Just that I'm feeling really powerless right now. I can't do anything but think about Danny and Aaron and Cody all the time. Hoping that Danny's plan will work, that Cody's fast enough, that Aaron's not doing anything stupid because he's Aaron...it's like I'm one of those helpless chicks in that movie, what's it called...The Perfect Storm? Just waiting and preparing for the worst. I know some of you don't believe in God, especially now, but could we all just have a moment of silent prayer for these guys who are trying to keep us from starving to death? Please?

(They bow their heads and have a moment of silence)

Rita

Thanks guys. I feel a little better now. Glad to be here. Thanks.

All

Thanks Rita.

Chris

Senator?

Senator

I'm just listening today.

Chris

Okay, that's about all the time we have for today. Please remember that anonymity is the key to our success, so what you see here, what you hear here, please leave it here.

All

Here here.

Chris

Now let's join hands and say the Set Aside Prayer.

(They get up and join hands in a circle)

Chris

God.

All

God. Please help me set aside everything I think I know about myself, my disease, these steps, and especially you. For an open heart and a new experience with myself, my disease, these steps, and especially—

(There’s a noise at the door. It gets louder as they talk)

Chris

What was that?

Ron

It’s them! They’re back!

True

Then why aren’t they saying anything? Don’t get it! It’s the others!

Rita

Maybe it’s the military. Maybe we’re rescued! Get the door!

True

No! Don’t! It’s too late! They’re gone, and they’re trying to come back in to finish us off!

Ron

Senator, get the door!

Chris

Senator, don’t you dare, you’ll kill us all.

Rita

You’re killing Cody!

True

You want to be next?

Ron

Senator, DO SOMETHING!

Senator

Can you guys pray with me?

Ron

Sure Senator.

All

God, grant me the serenity—

(The door crashes open. Blackout)