Undead Anonymous Scene IV Part 2

Senator

Hey, no cross talk. I’m Senator and I’m an addict.

All

Hi Senator.

Senator

Well well. I think—

(A huge bang is heard from the other side of the door)

Chris

Shit. Where’s the axe?

Rita

I thought you said they were moving on, Senator!

Senator

They are!

(Door bangs again)

Aaron’s Voice

Help! Someone help me out here!

Ron

Oh my God.

Danny
Aaron?!

Chris

Quick, get the door!

Senator

No! Listen! There are others out there!

Cody

Well, uh, yeah, that’s probably why he wants in.

Senator

If you let him in the others will know we’re here!

True

So, you want us to leave him!

Senator

He shouldn’t have run off. He made that decision.

Danny

And I’m making this one.

(Danny moves the desk and begins to open the door)

Senator

No!

(Danny opens the door. Aaron comes charging in, holding an unconscious girl. Danny helps him. Rita runs to shut the door, but as she does, a slimy hand darts out and grabs her shirt. Rita screams and tries to pull away, but the hand starts to drag her out the door. Senator backs slowly away in fear. Chris runs forward with the axe and chops the undead arm off, just as True shuts the door. Ron and Cody hurry to barricade the door as Senator watches)

Aaron

Fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Chris

(To Rita)

You alright?

Rita

Yeah. God that was close.

Chris

Let me see.

(Inspects Rita)

Chris

Looks like your shirt took most of it. I don’t see a scratch anywhere.

Rita

Seriously Chris, if you hadn’t been there…

Chris

Hey, it’s okay.

(She jumps in his arms. He looks a little startled)

Aaron

Motherfuckers! Those fucking motherfuckers! Fuck!

Cody

What the hell, Aaron? Who is this? What were you thinking?

Aaron

Don’t fucking touch her! I got her, okay? Just back the fuck up!

Senator

Okay, guys, Aaron’s right. Let’s give our guest a little breathing room here.

Cody

Seriously? You almost got us killed, TWICE, just so you could get some apocalyptic pussy?

Aaron

I swear to fucking god, Cody, you keep flapping your fucking mouth…

Danny

Easy Cody. You know how Aaron gets.

Cody

Yeah, suicidal. I know.

Senator

So, Aaron, are you going to remember your manners and introduce us to your, um, lady friend?

Aaron

Just don’t touch her. Everyone, this is Jodi. Jodi, this is everyone.

(Jodi’s still unconscious. Aaron picks up her hand and gives it a little wave)

Aaron

She’s not doing so well. Do we still have water?

True

Right here. Set her down Aaron. She’ll be fine.

(Aaron reluctantly sets her down. True brushes Jodi’s hair way and gives her a little water. Jodi chokes on it and wakes up gasping)

Aaron

Fucking ay.

True

Jodi? Can you hear me?

Jodi

Aaron…it’s me…

Aaron

Hey baby. I’m right here.

Jodi

Guess you’re already at the meeting….

Aaron

What? You’re here too babe.

Jodi

So glad you’re going back…anyway, I’m parked outside, I’ll see you when you’re done…love you…

Aaron

Jodi?

(Jodi passes out)

Danny

She’s delirious. She’s probably had less to eat than us and no water…

Cody

That was her car you saw…

Aaron

She didn’t get bit, I fucking swear. I popped the fucker trying to get in, but then three just came outta nowhere, I had no time to run or fight or anything. She unlocked the door and we’ve been hiding out ever since.

True

How did you get past them?

Aaron

I cut myself and bled on this jacket of Jodi’s. Threw it out the window, hoping they’d go for the smell of fresh blood. Sure enough, fuckers ran toward it like a fag at a Celine Dion concert. I grabbed her and just ran as fast I as fucking could.

Senator

You’re lucky you weren’t killed.

True

We should get her something to eat. Ron, go get a bottle of water and some Ramen.

Ron

On it.

Senator

She’s going to affect our food supply.

Danny

We’ve still got enough for three weeks. She needs to get her strength back.

True

Not too much at once, her stomach won’t be able to take it. Jodi? You there Jodi?

Jodi

…I’m parked outside…see you…done…

True

Come on, Jodi, wake up.

Jodi

Aaron.

Aaron

I’m right here, Jodi baby. Come on. Come back to me.

(Ron comes back with a bowl of Ramen and some more water)

Ron

Here, let’s bring her over here and set this up…

(Aaron picks her up. Danny, True, Senator, Ron and Cody follow to a corner of the room. Aaron lays Jodi down on a table)

Rita

Crazy, isn’t it?

Chris

Yeah. I didn’t even know someone was actually friends with Aaron, let alone dating him.

Rita

Did you ever see her before?

Chris

Well yeah, but I always thought she was his cousin or something.

Rita

Well, addicts need love too, right?

Chris

I guess. But it’s not real, you realize that right? We can’t love. It’s always lust. The way we crave people, want them, desire them, need them, it’s all tied to our addictions. We’re just jumping from one fix to another. It’s like what Danny always talks about, the dangers of cross addiction. You need to stay abstinent from all kind of mood altering substances or you’ll just get sucked in again.

(Chris stares off into the distance. Rita is staring at Chris)

Rita

Uh huh. It must be hard for you to see Aaron reunited with his girlfriend. Do you think yours is still out there?

Chris

I don’t have a girlfriend.

Rita

Oh, that’s a shame.

(Cody approaches Chris and Rita. Looks at them suspiciously)

Cody

Hey Rita, Jodi’s coming around. I think she could use some like, female presence.

Rita

True’s with her.

Cody

Like I said, she could use a female presence.

Rita

Fine. (turns to Chris) Hey, would you mind if I joined you tomorrow for those meditation thingies you do? I could use some relaxation.

Chris

Sure. I like to be in the nursery around 5:00.

Rita

In the morning?

Chris

That’s when you get the best light.

Rita

Okay, sounds great. It’s a date.

Chris

Uh…

Rita

See you then.

(Rita tries to turn and walk away sexy. Doesn’t really work)

(end scene)

Undead Anonymous Scene IV

(Lights rise, we see Cody standing in front of Rita, pantomiming a great fight)

Cody

So like, I’m cornered right? And these are big ones, they must have been truckers or bouncers or maybe even like, wrestling champs, you know? And there’s like, five of them? All coming at me? And I’m backing up slowly, ‘cause I don’t want to make any sudden movements, that’s just inviting them to take a chunk out of ya…so there I am, crawling slowly, I can see the drool just dripping off this old guy, and man was he ugly. Half of his face was scratched off, his hair was matted with blood, flies crawling out of his nose, I wanted to puke. But I kept my cool and thought, okay, what would Bruce Willis do? He’d be resourceful. I look around and realize I’m in the produce section. Rotting watermelons, melted ice everywhere, and out of the corner of my eye I see one of those fruit scales. I twist around, shoot my arm out, and grab it. The Old Dead Guy makes a lunge at me, and SWOOP! I nailed him in the head, and he goes flying, brain goop spraying everywhere. The rest run right toward me, but I kept my cool. I kick the first one in the head, he goes down in front of me, I jump on his back and launch myself into the air, and use both sides of the scale to cream two and three. I’m still flying, and I realize I’m heading right towards the last one, and his long nails are reaching for me. So I pull the scale closer to me, and use it like a pole vault and stick the end right between the fucker’s eyes, and vault right over him. You know, no big deal. It was fun.

Rita

How did you get the bruise on your knee?

Cody

Well, normally when you go pole vaulting, you let go of the pole, but when you’re fighting freaking zombies, you gotta keep your weapon handy at all times. So I was like, still holding onto it when I landed, and it got in my way and I kinda fell on it.

Rita

Whoa, so you like, fought off five zombies to get us food.

Cody

Well, Danny helped a little. He grabbed everything while I was killing ‘em.

(True comes over and sits down next to Rita)

True

I thought you said you didn’t even fight them.

Cody

Well, I was trying to be humble.

(Danny walks by)

Danny

Secrets and silence kill, Cody.

Rita

What is he talking about?

Cody

I dunno.

True

You didn’t actually fight five zombies, did you?

Danny

That’s not entirely true.

Cody

Okay, on the way back, I thought I saw one, but it turned out to be a mirror. Which is now totally dead, thanks to me. I kicked its ass.

(Ron enters)

Ron

Okay. I think I got everything organized back there. From what Danny and Cody brought back, we’ll be able to make oatmeal out of the coffee maker in the morning, and everyone gets two protein bars and a roll of Ritz crackers for lunch, and two bowls of Top Ramen at night. If we stick to the schedule, we can hold out for three weeks.

Chris

Good work you guys.

True

I used to think if I ever saw another Top Ramen package again after college, it’d be too soon. Now I almost cried with relief when I pulled them out of the shopping bags.

Senator

Well, I think this calls for a celebratory meeting. What do you say, gang?

Rita

Actually Senator, if you don’t mind, I’d kinda like Chris to do it. He was so awesome yesterday…

True

He got us all to sit down and actually laugh.

Senator

Ron?

Ron

Well…you know I love you man…but it might be good to switch things up a little, don’t you think?

Senator

Yeah, yeah, sure you can start us off today Chris.

Chris

Wow. Thanks guys.

(They all sit in a circle)

Chris

Okay. Welcome to Undead Anonymous. My name is Chris and I am an addict.

All

Hey Chris.

Chris

This a closed meeting, only members with a pulse are allowed to attend. If you have any drugs or paraphernalia on your person, or have developed the insatiable need for human flesh, we ask that you please leave the meeting as this is damaging for recovering addicts in this meeting. Now may we pause for a moment of silence for the still suffering addict as well as our lost friend, Aaron, followed by the serenity prayer.

(silence)

Chris

God.

All

God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Chris

At this time I’d like to welcome back Danny and Cody from their grocery excursion from Hell.

(All applaud and cheer)

Chris

Is there anyone with an NA birthday or celebrating proud time today?

(Rita nudges Cody)

Cody

What?

Rita

Um hello, don’t you remember tard, you got 30 days yesterday.

Cody

Oh! Yeah! Uh, hey I’m Cody, I’m an addict, and I have 31 days today.

(Everyone applauds loudly. Chris gets up and hands Cody a keychain, and they hug)

Chris

Anyone else?

(silence)

Chris

Okay, in lieu of True’s last share, I made some adjustments to the literature, I have asked someone to read Who is an Addict?

True

Yeah, I’m True and I’m an addict.

All

Hi True.

True

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—whether it be pills, powder, or the soft brain tissue of a living person. We lived to use and they used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs and/or a freak virus. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, death and undeath.

All

Thanks True.

Chris

And I’ve asked someone to read Why Are We Here?

Ron

Yo, I’m Ron and I am an addict.

All

Hi Ron.

Ron

Before coming to the Fellowship of UA, we could not manage the fall of humanity. We could not live and enjoy life as the other zombies do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in still breathing. We placed this ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have a pulse at all costs. We seemed to be incapable of facing the afterlife on its own terms. Many of us ended up bitten or sought help through the police, religion, and ammunition. None of these methods was sufficient for us. The diseased always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation we sought help from each other in Undead Anonymous. After coming to UA, we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

All

Thanks Ron.

Chris

As you can see, our message is not easy, but it is simple. The steps will work for you if you work them. Only through the help of our sponsor, our group, and our Higher Power can we finally live life on the afterlife’s terms. Through our disease we learned that one human brain is one too many and a thousand never enough. I would now like to pass the meeting over to Danny, who has graciously agreed to chair.

All

Thanks Chris.

Danny

Hello everyone, I’m an addict named Danny.

All

Hi Danny.

Danny

I’m really struggling today. I always preach how we should always choose honesty every time, and I’m such a hypocrite. I’ve been lying to myself ever since we got back. I feel like someone should take away my clean time, confiscate all my chips and key chains and just throw me outside right now. So I’m just going to admit the exact nature of my wrongs, and hope that I don’t get what I deserve: We were coming back from Safeway, it was pitch black outside and we were doing pretty good, keeping low to the ground and cutting through backyards. When we reached the church parking lot, Aaron just freaked out. I don’t know if he couldn’t take the pressure or what, but the next thing I knew he dropped his bags and just started sprinting toward this car. One of the undead was trying to break into it, probably to snack on a dog inside or something, and Aaron was screaming and looked like he was going to rip its head off. Suddenly three others just appeared out of the parking lot. I know nothing I do now is random. I am not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery. I’m the one making choices now. Cody was hurt, we had the food, but Aaron wasn’t too far away. I chose to save myself. I chose to take my selfishness to a whole new level and save myself rather than help someone else. My nature is cowardly and greedy, and I’m wrong. That’s all I got.

All

Thanks Danny.

Chris

You weren’t wrong.

Undead Anonymous Scene III

(Nursery. Danny sits, idly playing with some blocks, bored. The door opens and a package of Saltines drop in his lap. Danny is surprised for a few seconds, then tears into the crackers like they’re the last crackers on earth. Senator enters)

Senator:I’m a reasonable guy, Danny. And I do feel bad about keeping you and Cody quarantined from the rest of us. But you just can’t be too careful.

Danny: (mouth full) I udderstan.

Senator: It’s just this is the only room with locks on the outside, and you’re the biggest threat if you were to…ah…turn over. Cody’s about a buck ten soaking wet, and easier to control.

(pause as Danny finishes his meal)

Danny: Thanks for the crackers.

Senator: You’re welcome. Did they taste okay?

Danny: Yeah, they were fine.

Senator: Wouldn’t want something a little more…substantial?

Danny: Well, I could definitely go for a steak right about now.

Senator: A steak? Really? Huh…well, well…and if we could go back to before, when Hell was just below the earth, when there were nice restaurants and attractive hostesses and cloth napkins, and you sat across the table from your beautiful woman companion…or male, I don’t judge..

Danny: Thanks.

Senator: And a stuffy waiter comes over to you and takes your order. You order a nice salmon for your date and a New York Strip Steak for yourself.

Danny: (sighs longingly)

Senator: And when that waiter asks you how do you prefer it, you say…

Danny: With mashed potatoes and plenty of butter…man do I miss butter.

Senator: Actually, I was thinking how you prefer your steak….like do you want it barely cooked, red and raw on the inside, bleeding all over your plate…?

Danny (gives him a significant look) Actually I prefer my meat well done.

Senator: Ah. Well. You never know, things can change…

Danny: I’m pretty set in my ways.

Senator: Sure, Danny. Of course.

Danny: How’s Cody doing?

Senator: Seems to be well. No mood swings, or sudden bursts of anger. Temperature’s normal, no sudden fever or night sweats. Body’s loose and limber, no swollen joints or stiff muscles. Seems like he might make it.

Danny: And his steak preference?

Senator: I didn’t ask.

Danny: Ah.

(tense pause)

Danny: Seems like you know a lot about the living dead there, Senator.

Senator: Oh well, you know…just trying to survive. I mean, sure, I’ve picked up a thing or two from watching ‘em, but I’d hardly call myself an expert…

Danny: No, it’s pretty impressive. You must have seen first-hand how it happens. And you managed to live after watching it. That’s damn near impossible.

Senator: Oh, well…we didn’t get here because we’re weak.

Danny: Damn straight. So you must have been pretty close by to see the conversion and how it works…like during the last moments, their eyes get a milky film for the final hours, then turn yellow, and then finally bloodred.

Senator: Of course.

Danny: And how our previous conceptions were totally wrong, that there’s no initial craving for human flesh…or period of fever or stiffening of the body…

Senator: Um, right…

Danny: And I’m sure you had the chance to observe the length of time it takes to fully convert. I mean, any moron with a copy of 28 Days Later can call themselves an expert, but do they know that it takes at least two, two and half weeks before the transformation takes over? How there’s almost no warning before the victim snaps? How most of them still look human?

Senator: Well excuse me Danny, for following basic zombie principles, however outdated they may be. It’s a shame that we’re all not as brilliant as you. And who did you see die?

Danny: My wife.

(Long pause)

Danny: Cody’s fine, Senator. Why don’t you let him out already?

Senator: He’s been out for an hour now. Why don’t you join us?

(end scene)

Undead Anonymous Scene II

(The door bangs loudly.)

Danny's Voice: Quick! Let us in! Let us in!

Cody's Voice: Hurry!

Rita: Cody! He's back! They're back!

(They all work on moving stuff out of the way to let the guys in. Danny and Cody enter, their arms filled with grocery bags. Cody is limping, Danny has a giant bruise on his head. They rush to barricade the door again)

Chris: Oh my God

Rita: Are you okay?

(Senator grabs the axe)

Senator: Guys, back away.

True: What are you doing?

Ron: Senator?

Senator: Do it!

(They all back away)

Danny: Hey Senator. Good to see you.

Senator: I'm sorry, Danny. I always liked you. You were a good Home Group Member.

Danny: Were?

Senator: And I appreciate you getting food for us. That was really brave of you. But you're bringing in death with your spoils, and I can't have this group dying because of you and the boy.

Cody: What? What's happening?

Rita: Senator...

Senator: Sorry Rita. You shouldn't watch this. Go to the bathroom.

True: Whoa, whoa, what is wrong with you Senator?

Senator: They've been bit. Look at them. There's obviously signs of a struggle. We're about to lock wolves away with the sheep.

Chris: Are you fucking crazy?!

Senator: I’ll miss you Danny. Got any final words?

Danny: Senator. I understand your need to protect them. I'd be doing the same thing...

Senator: It's what you would have wanted Danny. Thanks for understanding. I'll make it quick.

Danny: I appreciate that. But do you think, maybe, you could just check, just to be sure? Especially where Cody is concerned. Be positive before you put the kid out of his misery.

Senator: Sure Danny. I'm not unreasonable. That's a fair last request. Strip Cody.

Cody: Do what now?

Senator: There's no mark on you that I can see, kid. But you're wearing a lot of baggy clothes, and we can't take the chance that your jeans have protected you from a bite or a scratch.

Cody: We didn't even fight them! Danny was amazing, we snuck right past them, he even taught me how to open a door without making a sound...

Senator: That's nice. Strip.

(Cody sighs and takes off his shirt and pants. We see a large red mark on his knee)

Senator: What happened there?

Cody: Tripped over a pipe. Nearly ruined the whole operation.

Danny: Skin's not broken, Senator.

Senator: Turn around.

(Cody slowly turns around. He's unmarked)

Senator: Well, we'll monitor you for a day or two, make sure you're fine.

Chris: Now Danny.

(Danny strips and slowly turns around. He's clean)

Senator: Well, that’s a bit of relief. I wasn't looking forward to killing you.

(Danny puts on his jeans)

Danny: Strange, I was thinking the exact same thing.

Chris: What'd you guys get?

Rita: How many of them did you see?

True: When can I go out?

Ron: Guys...where's Aaron?

(silence)

Danny: We lost him.

(End Scene)

Undead Anonymous

Rise. We are in a church basement. Coffee cups, fliers, and pens are strewn about the room. The door is barricaded with a large desk and various chairs. Five people are sitting in a circle around a small pile of pamphlets, broken cellphones, and binders)

Ron

Bacon cheeseburgers. Whoever came up with the idea of two different meat products in one sandwich was a genius. It’s the perfect combination of salty goodness and juicy beef. And slightly melted cheddar cheese. Mmmm…

True

Speaking of salty combinations, they just came out with chocolate bacon.

Chris

That’s awesome.

True

Oh yeah. My friend Rob told me about it. Apparently this chick really loved chocolate chip pancakes in the morning. One day she was in a hurry, and just inhaled the pancakes with bacon and was hit by a tasty revelation.

Rita

I used to like putting maple syrup on my bacon, but chocolate covered bacon?

True

It’s supposed to be the perfect mix of sweet and salty.

Chris

Cody would eat it.

Rita

He would eat anything. Even before this. When we were in 8^th grade, he ate a worm. Who does that past the age of seven?

Chris

It has tons of protein. Probably more than chocolate bacon.

Senator

Maybe chocolate bacon is an acquired taste.

True

Maybe. I still would’ve liked to experienced it.

(depressing pause)

Chris

What about you, Rita?

Rita

I used to really love sushi. For my junior year, my class went to Europe, and we were so excited to do things we never got to do before: go to a different country, drink in a bar, and on the way to our hotel, we saw this little sushi place and thought, why not? Ever since then it was my favorite food.

Chris

Was?

Rita

Can’t really picture me eating anything raw now. Seems…disrespectful.

(another sad pause)

Ron

It’s getting quiet out there.

Senator

Hasn’t been much activity since Tuesday, at 3:15 in the morning.

Chris

Is that good or bad?

Rita

We have to get out there.

Senator

No.

Rita

They might need us.

Senator

We have no clue what’s out there.

Chris

God, I’m so hungry.

Ron

The hunger isn’t so bad. At least we still have water.

True

For now.

Rita

Oh yeah, poor us. We’re the ones that are really suffering.

Ron

They’ll be okay Rita.

Rita

Why did it have to be Cody? He’s the youngest, he’s barely lived. Why didn’t Senator go?

Chris

That doesn’t make any sense, he’s got that bum leg, they’d catch him in no time. It should be someone young, who can outrun them.

True

Speed doesn’t mean nothing when you’re being mobbed.

Senator

Listen, no one’s getting mobbed, and no one’s going out there. They’re probably taking their time from Safeway.

Chris

Anyone but me see the irony in that? Anyone?

True

Senator, seriously, what does Danny always say in our step work?

Rita

“Secrets and silence kill. Choose honesty every time”.

True

You can’t even look us in the eye right now.

Rita

Maybe they got rescued. Maybe they’re coming for us.

True

No one’s coming Rita. Don’t start lying to yourself.

(long pause)

Ron

How fast did Cody say he could run?

Rita

I don’t remember. I was loaded every time I came to his matches. But he has some medals at his Oxford house.

Senator

He’s not alone. He’s got Danny and Aaron watching his back.

Chris

Heh. “Watching his back”. We sound like an episode of “Lost”.

Ron

Aren’t we?

Rita

Ron could’ve gone.

True

Are you crazy, he’s too old, he couldn’t keep up.

Ron

Hey, fuck you, I may have a spare tire but I move like a mustang.

Chris

Did you see how Aaron tried to weasel out of it? I mean, it was his idea.

True

Probably the only one he’s ever had.

Ron

Danny will bring them back, Rita.

Rita

What if he doesn’t? What if they panic and come back here with a legion nipping at their feet?

Senator

We'll need weapons.

Chris

All right!

Rita

No, we're not seriously thinking about doing this, are we? Weapons?

True

She's got a point, I mean, what are we going to do, fling pamphlets at them? Paper cut them to death?

Senator

We can pry off these chair legs and make a club.

Chris

I’m going to try breaking into the janitor’s closet again.

(Chris walks off stage)

Rita

Do you think it’s like the movies? Like, can they be killed through the brain? Are they slow mindless drones? Or did the virus make them stronger? Can they smell us right now? What if they’re just waiting for us to come out? What if they’re at the door RIGHT NOW?!

Ron

Shhh….calm down, you’re going to freak yourself out.

Rita

I TOLD you Cody shouldn’t have gone!

Chris's Voice (off stage)

Guys?

Ron

They’re not waiting for us. Senator’s been guarding the door every night, and he says the worst has passed. They don’t even brush against the door anymore.

Senator

They’re like predators Rita. If they can’t see us they forget we’re even here. They’ll bumble along and occasionally try the door, but they're not looking for us.

Chris's Voice (off stage)

Um, guys?

Rita

I don't care if they have the same prowess as Yosemite Sam! You don't know. Just because you've observed them, that makes you a fucking expert? Does anyone even remember who we are before this happened? Is no one keeping track? Cody has 30 days today.

True

He does?

Rita

And this is how you decide to reward him? By sending him out to die with a bunch of feeble, useless--

(Chris enters with an ax)

Chris

Guys! Come on, we’re late.

(True, Rita, Senator, Ron, and Chris all sit hunched in a circle. Chris takes a deep breath and sets down the axe. He picks up a lamented sheet of paper)

Chris

Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous. For obvious reasons, we've decided to rename the group to "Undead Anonymous". My name is Chris and I am an addict.

All

Hi Chris.

Chris

This a closed meeting, only members with a pulse are allowed to attend. If you have any drugs or paraphernalia on your person, or have developed the insatiable need for human flesh, we ask that you please leave the meeting as this is damaging for recovering addicts in this meeting. Now may we pause for a moment of silence for the still suffering addict followed by the serenity prayer.

(They Pause)

Chris

God.

All

God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Chris

Is there anyone with an NA birthday or celebrating proud time today?

Senator

I'm Senator and I am an addict, and today I have 12 years and three weeks.

(They all clap and mumble things like "Good job" and "Way to go")

Chris

Anyone else?

(pause)

Chris

I'm Chris and I have 44 months today.

(More clapping and encouragement)

Chris

At this point, I'd like to turn the meeting over to Ron, who has graciously agreed to chair.

Ron

Yo, I'm Ron and I am a grateful recovering addict.

All

Hi Ron.

Ron

And today I am reading from the Basic Text, particularly on the First Step. "Until we learn to identify with other addicts in recovery, sometimes all we can do is listen to the First Step. We can't surrender until we understand this Step and we cannot understand it until we cross the line into identification with other addicts. We do everything we can to acquire the knowledge of the reality that we have a disease and that alone, we are doomed. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and our lives had become unmanageable." (slight pause) I really like this reading, particularly now. I used to feel that I was the only one who could feel this way, and that I had reserved a VIP section in hell just for me, that no one could get access to. And for years, I stayed down there. I bought the popcorn, popped in a movie, and just sat with it for the longest time. And I'm not going back there. Even if hell comes up to greet me, I'm not letting it in. If others want me to join them in their Hell, sure I'll come visit. I'll buy you some popcorn even, but I won't stay for the movie. I've seen how it ends. And even now, with all this happening around us, I'm still happier than I was when I was using. And that's saying something. Anyway, that's all I got. Meetings' open.

All

Thanks Ron.

Chris

I'm Chris and I'm an addict.

All

Hey Chris.

Chris

Yeah...so I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm working on a routine and that's coming along well. I get up early, do some meditation, try not to think about how nice it would be to get high right now. I mean, if ever there was a time to just not give a crap and use, this would be it. I don't even know if my sponsor is alive, or if he's something's meal right now, so I wouldn't have to worry about what he would say right now. So now I have to be my own sponsor, and talk myself out of it. It's not hard to do, before I would just think, well yeah, if I get loaded, I'll be screwed, but I can always start over. Now it's like, fuck dude, if I go out there I will die. And that's what my sponsor used to say, but I never really took it seriously. Now it's just a fact. It's kinda bizarre how right he was. Is. I'd like to think he's still out there. Anyway, good topic, Ron. I used to hate the first step, but I think we're permanently on it. But I'm really grateful to be here. I know that my Higher Power was definitely on my side that day, I was going to go to a concert, but then I thought, nah, better check in first. Sure enough, I came here and it saved my life. So thanks everyone, I'm really grateful today.

All

Thanks Chris.

True

I'm True and I am an addict.

All

Hey True.

True

Yeah, the first step. I started thinking about how far we've come and how good we're all doing until Ron said something about identifying with other addicts. And my first thought was what other addicts? There might not be anyone left. This could be the last NA fellowship on earth right now. I doubt the demons out there are having a meeting right now. And then it hit me. We aren't the only addicts out there. And I'm not talking about the other junkies, or alcoholics, or potheads. I mean THEM. The creatures. What makes them any different from us? We bitch and cry how OUR lives are unmanageable and that WE'RE powerless? Their lives are gone! They actually have a disease, we use that word and think it means something. We're so wrapped up in our stupid little bullshit and they're dead. They sink their teeth into their loved one's flesh. We break our family's hearts. They break skulls.

Chris

So, what, you wanna get a bunch of them in here? Get them some newcomer chips?

Senator

Hey, no crosstalk during someone's share.

True

No, I just think that if we want to get out of this, we should treat them like us. We can't beat them, we can’t even beat our own addiction. So maybe we should start working the steps with them in mind. First step: We admit that we are powerless over the disease of the undead, and our lives are unmanageable. Just like Ron was talking about. That's really all I got right now. Thanks.

All

Thanks True.

(long pause)

Chris

Anyone else?

Rita

I'm Rita and I'm an addict.

All

Hello Rita.

Rita

I don't have much to say. Just that I'm feeling really powerless right now. I can't do anything but think about Danny and Aaron and Cody all the time. Hoping that Danny's plan will work, that Cody's fast enough, that Aaron's not doing anything stupid because he's Aaron...it's like I'm one of those helpless chicks in that movie, what's it called...The Perfect Storm? Just waiting and preparing for the worst. I know some of you don't believe in God, especially now, but could we all just have a moment of silent prayer for these guys who are trying to keep us from starving to death? Please?

(They bow their heads and have a moment of silence)

Rita

Thanks guys. I feel a little better now. Glad to be here. Thanks.

All

Thanks Rita.

Chris

Senator?

Senator

I'm just listening today.

Chris

Okay, that's about all the time we have for today. Please remember that anonymity is the key to our success, so what you see here, what you hear here, please leave it here.

All

Here here.

Chris

Now let's join hands and say the Set Aside Prayer.

(They get up and join hands in a circle)

Chris

God.

All

God. Please help me set aside everything I think I know about myself, my disease, these steps, and especially you. For an open heart and a new experience with myself, my disease, these steps, and especially—

(There’s a noise at the door. It gets louder as they talk)

Chris

What was that?

Ron

It’s them! They’re back!

True

Then why aren’t they saying anything? Don’t get it! It’s the others!

Rita

Maybe it’s the military. Maybe we’re rescued! Get the door!

True

No! Don’t! It’s too late! They’re gone, and they’re trying to come back in to finish us off!

Ron

Senator, get the door!

Chris

Senator, don’t you dare, you’ll kill us all.

Rita

You’re killing Cody!

True

You want to be next?

Ron

Senator, DO SOMETHING!

Senator

Can you guys pray with me?

Ron

Sure Senator.

All

God, grant me the serenity—

(The door crashes open. Blackout)

Thanks for Coming In

So...this isn't so much as a "piece inspired by" as it is a "blatant case of plagiarism" by a brilliant one-act written by my favorite writer, David Ives. I was just speculating what his play would be like if you changed the characters, setting and topic, but kept the style. If I get carted off to Writer's Prison, tell my mother I loved her.

Thanks for Coming In 

by Rose Kinne

(Lights rise. We see David, an office manager, sitting behind a desk. Secretary enters with Emily, Emily is holding a file)

Secretary

David, Emily is ready for you now.

(Secretary leaves)

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!

(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)

David

Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face. Travis said you nailed the phone interview. So, just to bring me up to speed, tell me a little about the process, how did you find out about Penultimate? 

Emily 

Penultimate? Wait, this isn't Microsoft? 

David 

Ah no. This isn't Microsoft.

Emily

Huh? What? Wait, what am I applying for again? Can you check? 

David

Um. You don't know? 

Emily

Yeah, I forgot, you know, so many applications, and I just need money, so what's this place again? 

David

My apologies, but I do not believe this is going to be the right fit for us. But thanks for coming in. 

Emily 

No problem. 

(A bell is heard off stage. Emily stands up) 

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!

(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)

David

Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face. 

Emily 

Yes, I'm so excited to be at (Subltly looks at file) Penultimate.

David

Wonderful, that's wonderful. So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us?

Emily

Well, I recently graduated with my degree in English literature, and I spent a few years working for the Admissions Office at the university and really loved it. I saw on LinkedIn that you need a receptionist, so I thought I would be a good match for your company here.

David

That's just great. I’m so glad you could make it, you seem very educated and you just have a lovely light in your eyes, like you’re ready and raring to go.

Emily

Wow. Thank you.

David

Unfortunately, I don’t see anything available for you at this time…

Emily

Oh. Oh, okay.  I’m sorry, I thought it said you were hiring right now..?

David

Oh! Yeah, whoops sorry about that, I really need to get HR to fix that. Heh, what a crazy sense of humor they've got. Oh well, what can you do. Thanks for coming in.

Emily

No. uh, problem.

(bell rings. Emily stands)

David 

Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat. 

Emily 

Thanks, it's so nice to meet you. (They shake hands, she sits) I'm really excited to be at Penultimate. 

David 

So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us? 

Emily 

Oh, my friend works here. He's in HR.

David

Oh Travis! Great guy.

Emily

Oh I know. And he’s got such a wonderful sense of humor.

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we used to fuck before he came out.

(bell)

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we used to make out at random college parties.

(bell ring)

David

How did you two meet?

Emily

Oh, we took Intro to English Literature together in college.  

David 

Very nice. So, do you have secretary experience? 

 

Emily 

Well, no. But it doesn't look that hard. I watched The Office and I figured that was enough. 

David 

I see. 

(bell rings) 

David 

So, do you have secretary experience? 

Emily 

No. But I was a "sexy secretary" for Halloween last year. 

David 

Uh huh. 

(bell rings)

David

Do you have secretary experience?

Emily 

What does that mean?

David 

Just...have you been a secretary before? 

Emily

Isn't the term "Administrative Assistant"?

David

Well, I guess...

Emily

I mean, you wouldn't ask a man if he had experience as a secretary, would you? Because that would just sound weird, wouldn't it? That's why they changed the name isn't it? I mean, never mind that the average woman still gets 77 cents for every dollar a man earns for doing the same amount of work, or that sexual harassment is three times more likely to happen to a woman than a man in the workplace, let's make sure that a man isn't demeaned by being called a secretary! Because it's a white man's world out there, and I guess I better be grateful you even agreed to me with me at all! And if you hire me, I'll have to put up with your extremely unfunny jokes and pretending you're hilarious, or listening to you lecture me on current events or literature, which, by the way, I got my Masters in, not that you would know that, because the only thing you ask me is how my dating life is going, while every day I watch you do a job that could be done by a monkey with a stapler!

David 

All right. 

(bell rings)

David

So, do you have any experience? 

Emily

Yes, I worked for the Admissions Office at my school for a couple of years.

David

So, what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Uh...um...huh, wow, that is a really great question...eerrrr...I guess....I...think...heh heh....uuuummmmmmm.... 

(bell rings) 

David

So what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Gosh, that is so funny. I was just thinking today that I don't have one!

(bell rings)

David

What is your greatest weakness?

Emily

Answering stupid questions. 

 (bell rings)

David

What is your greatest weakness? 

 

Emily 

(about to cry) You know, sometimes I just care. Too. Much. 

 (bell rings)

David

What would you say is your greatest weakness?

Emily

I'm really bad at public speaking. I used to get so nervous before speaking in front of a crowd that my entire face went numb. So, during my last semester in college, I decided to take a Public Speaking course, just to see if I could do it. The first couple of times felt really nerve wracking, but the more I did it the more I realized my audience wanted me to succeed. After that I got a lot better, and now only like, half of my face goes numb when I give a speech.

David

Haha, love it. So, where do you see yourself in five years?

Emily

You know, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I just graduated school, and for the first time, I feel like it’s time for me to be an adult and enter the real world, but I’m not quite sure where my place is.

David

Sure.

Emily

I mean, sure I'd love to have a rewarding career, a nice husband, and I know I want kids. But when it comes to a specific career, I have no idea. I know I have skills, and I will work harder than anyone else you meet today, because I will appreciate it more. So much more. I just need a chance to show it. But it's hard to know what I want in five years when I can't even tell what's going to happen to me in five hours.

 

David

Well I really enjoyed meeting you.

Emily

I’m not getting this job, am I?

David

It’s not a personal.

Emily

Sure.

David

I think you’ve got a lot to offer the world. But as of right now, we’re just looking for someone with a little more ambition.

Emily

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

David

Good luck out there. Don’t give up.

Emily

I won’t.

David

Thanks for coming in.

(bell rings)

David

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Emily

I see myself as a professional writer and editor, managing a marketing team. 

David

Oh, that’s wonderful. So, do you have any questions for me?

Emily

Yes. Do you have benefits?

David

What better benefit than me? Say, have you heard this joke-- 

 (bell rings)

Emily

Do you have benefits?

David

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

 (bell rings)

Emily 

Do you have any benefits?

David

Yes, we can give you full use of a chair, paper clips and stale oxygen! You can't take those home, though, little lady. (bell rings)

Emily

Do you have any benefits?

David

Yes, we have a very nice medical and dental plan.

Emily

Terrific.

David

Oh good, I was hoping that would interest you.

Emily

Oh really, why? Is the pay terrible?

David

Nope. You make at least three bucks an hour.

(bell rings)

David

Four dollars an hour.

(bell rings)

David

Five dollars an hour and a stick of gum at the end of every shift.

(bell rings)

David

Well, the starting salary is 12 dollars an hour.

Emily

Oh.

David

But you get a merit increase every six months.

Emily

That’s not bad at all.

David

I mean, do you have to scrub out toilets with your finger...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, do you have to talk your coworkers off the roof every three hours...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, you do have to shave your head and start worshipping Hitler...

(bell rings)

David

I mean, do you have to take out the trash once in awhile....

Emily

I see. Well, I don’t mind taking out the trash every once in awhile.  Just as long as everyone helps out.

David

That's great. We really like everyone to be a team player around here. Listen, our regional manager is out of town until Thursday, would you be available to come in for a second interview?  He’s a really fun guy.

Emily

Yeah, I mean, I’m volunteering at the Reading Center until noon, but I can make it after that.

David

Great, and how’s your availability in general? Do you volunteer a lot?

Emily

I do, but they are really flexible. I can switch times whenever I want. Does the company ever do charity work?

David

Yes, we host a soup kitchen twice a month. Can you bake cornbread?

Emily

That was the first recipe my mother taught me to make.

David

And do you like cream of broccoli?

(pause)

Emily

Actually, I think it’s kind of gross.

David

Thank you! Sarah keeps saying we should make it, but everyone is against it.

Emily

Do I get vacation time?

David

Yes.

Emily

And sick days?

David

Absolutely.

Emily

And is it okay if I bring a Magic 8 ball to work?

David

Why not?

Emily

This Thursday, right? What time?

David

Does 2:30 work for you?

Emily

No problem.

David

Great. Well, thank you very much for coming in.

Emily

Thanks for having me.

David/Emily

No problem.

End

My New Career of Unemployment

So you want to be unemployed, huh? For others, this method of not contributing to society is an easy one. Infants have been unemployed for years, and there seems to be an everlasting supply of these little leeches. What is nap time if not training for future drunken homeless activities? Another growing opportunity for having no opportunities is becoming a student. Think of the job world as a giant ocean. Students are the wimps who claim they've just eaten and they need to wait at least thirty minutes before going in. Graduate students are just teenage girls that don't want to get their hair wet. But eventually, we all have to strap on those little floaties of education, adjust the goggles of ambition, and jump into the exciting waters of adulthood and responsibility.

And then along came Zeke the Recession Plumber and drained every single drop of hope and prosperity.

And here we are. Not swimming in a giant ocean filled with job interviews, but meandering through a vast desert, licking the sandy floor in hopes of getting a drop of a 12 hour work week. People with college degrees are using their leather bound promise killers as means for shade or firewood at night. Somehow your credit card statements have sprouted wings and hungry beaks and are circling above you. What can we do? How can we tell the difference between an oasis and a job application for Taco Bell? And how can we get by in this time of economic strife?

I choose humor. And booze. But mostly humor. This is the first in a series of installments of the Starving Artist With Access To The Internet (or SAWATTI). I hope to explore the highs and lows of not possessing your dream career, yet not stuck with the worst job in the world either. It will include what to say when that certain someone strikes a condescending smirk and squawks "Sooooo...How's it GOING?", what not to say during an endless myriad of job interviews, and fun activities to pass the time while waiting for job agencies to call you back (turns out it's not beating your head against your steering wheel while blaring Celine Dion's "All By Myself"). Whether you're a Republican blaming the Recession ("Damn you Obama!") or a Democrat ("F*** you Bush!") there's something here for everyone. And mainly, that something is hope.

And booze. But mostly hope.

Tune in next week for "The 5 stages of Unemployment" or "While My Checking Account Gently Weeps"....

Seaon Three: Psych! Act Two

Reena

(Reena and Ruth sit watching TV in the common room)

Ruth
Have you thought about what you're going to do once you get out of here?

Reena
Yeah, I think I'm going to be a nun. I think it'll be really cool, you know? Waking up early, wearing simple clothing again, that will be a relief, let me tell you. Thong panties ain't no picnic. Especially when you gotta pretend that it's sexy and you're enjoying it. Nothing gives a man greater pleasure than watching a girl enjoy herself. So now they'll be watching me, enjoying the fuck outta myself in my habit.

Ruth
Sister Reena. That's got a nice tone to it. Are you Catholic?

Reena
No, but I know a lot about guilt, that should cover it, don't you think?

Ruth
Sure, sure. I just think it's great that you're getting out. Some people here are in here for life, like Khan or Crystal, but you've got other good things to share with the world Reena. You're going to be just fine.

Reena
Yeah. Thanks.

Ruth
I can't believe we didn't give you a proper goodbye party. On Ward Six they let them have goodbye parties, people bring cakes and they eat with plastic forks. Forks. Not sporks, forks. Man fuck sporks.

(Paul enters)

Paul
Hey little sister.

Ruth
Big Brother, what's going on? What have you been doing?

Paul
Writing statements.

Ruth
Thanks for letting me borrow your CD player. It's really been helping, I can't even hear Old Yeller at night anymore.

Paul
You're welcome, I'm glad you like it.

Ruth
Do you think I could borrow your universal remote?

Paul
Oh, well, I don't know.

Ruth
Please? Whenever we want to watch TV during lunch it's always something really boring, like soap operas.

Paul
You gotta promise to take real good care of it. Never let it leave your sight.

Ruth
It will be in my professional care. I promise.

Paul
Okay then.

(Paul digs the remote out of his fanny pack)

Paul
I'm trusting you little sister.

Nurse
Brit-Ruth? Ruth North? Do you know what time it is?

Ruth
Yeah, it's 2-Oh! Right! Sorry! I'm coming!

(Ruth sits with Connor)

Connor
How are you?

Ruth
I'm acknowledging your presence, thanks for asking. How are you?

Connor
Very well, thank you. So, you were late because you were talking with Ruth and Paul?

Ruth
Yeah, it's nice to have people here to talk to. It's rare to find good people.

Connor
Did you find it hard to find good people outside of here?

Ruth
No, not really. I mean, my dealer was a pretty nice guy. All my co-workers were very friendly, but between all of our schedules, it was hard to find a time to get together. And I do better by myself, I think. I like my alone time. Dr. Connor?

Connor
Yes?

Ruth
Do you really think that I'm bipolar?

Connor
Yes.

(long pause)

Ruth
Are you sure?

Connor
Yes.

Ruth
Isn't this diagnosis...kinda...permanent?

Connor
It is something that you will have to treat for the rest of your life, yes. You seem ashamed.

Ruth
Well, yeah. I'm in a mental hospital. I'm surrounded by a lot of fucked up people, taking meds and basically shunned away from real life. I think ashamed is an understatement.

Connor
And if you were in the hospital with a broken leg, would you feel ashamed about that?

Ruth
Depends on how I broke it.

Connor
Or if you had Type One Diabetes, would you feel ashamed about that?

Ruth
Probably not.

Connor
Then why feel shame over this?

Ruth
Because I did this to myself!

Connor
I don't think you did this to yourself. I don't think anyone could give themselves manic depressive disorder. You are a very talented woman Ruth, but even that is something that is out of your capabilities. Did you decide to stop sleeping?

Ruth
No, I just couldn't fall asleep. I tried to.

Connor
This was going to happen no matter what you did or did not do. You couldn't change it even more than trying to change having a physical illness.

Ruth
You know, I've had a lot of time to sit and think about the events that led me here. Heck, I've had so much time in here that sometimes all I'll do is stare at the dust motes in the air. They're up, they're down, they twist through the air and seem to just sway there, held by an invisible hammock. And it seems like their fate isn't so different from mine: we're just flying wildly from place to place, blown into another existence because someone exhaled.


Kareoke

Nurse
Okay, so we have a Karaoke machine here, and a bunch of CD's.

(Sudden screaming and yelling)

Xena
Aye, Dios Mio, she's awake.

Nurse
So we'll all take turns and choose one song to sing, okay? Who wants to go first?

Xena
Ruth! Ruth wants to go!

Ruth
What? No-

Xena
Yeah, come on girl. You always sing so sweetly at night with your headphones on, sing something!

Xena
Yeah, sing My Heart Will Go On!

Ruth
Seriously?

Paul
C'mon little sister! I bet you have a pretty voice!

Ruth
Okay. You have to be honest, Big Brother, and tell me if I'm no good, okay?

Crystal
She's not good!

Nurse
It's Ruth's turn, now, okay?

Ruth
No, she's right, I'm terrible.

Crystal
You're terrible.

Ruth
You'd better sing with me, so I don't screw up the song.

Crystal
You're going to screw it up, my vagina said so.

Ruth
Alright Medusa, let's do it.

(Ruth and Crystal step up to the machine and grab microphones. Ruth puts the CD into the machine and the music starts as the yelling gets louder and the screaming intensifies)

Ruth
Every night in my dreams-

Crystal
EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

Ruth
I see you, I-

Crystal
EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paul
She's ruining the song! She's ruining it!

(Paul runs out of the room. Suddenly, in stumbles in a black woman in an hospital nightgown, crying and wailing loudly)

Xena
Hey, Ramona, you're just in time to sing! C'mon girl, get up here!

Ramona
WaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH. AHHHHHHH!

Ruth
Far across the distance,

Crystal
FAR ACROSS! I'M A BETTER SINGER THAN YOU ARE!

Ruth
And spaces, between us-

Ramona
AHHHH! AHHHHHH HAHH HAAAH!

Ruth
You have come to show you, go on-

Crystal
FAR ACROSS!

Ruth
C'mon Old Yell-I mean, Ramona? Here, take my mike. Please. C'mon, you know this, everyone does. Sing with me. Near.

Ramona
AHHHHH!

Ruth
Far...

Ramona
WAHHHHHHH!

Ruth
That's it, good! Wherever you are, I believe that heart does, go, what?

Ramona
OOONNNNNNN!

Ruth
Once,

Ramona
MORE!

Ruth
You

Ramona
OPEN THE DOOR!

Ruth
And you're here in my heart and my heart will

Ramona
GO ON AND ONNNNNNN!!!!!!

Ruth
Great. Great! Good job Ramona. Here, take my mike okay. Keep going.

Crystal
I told you I was a better singer!

Ruth
Yup. You were right. Keep going, sing with Ramona now, okay?

Crystal
Yes. FAR ACROSS!!

Ramona
YOU'RE HERE! THERE'S NOTHING I FEAR!

Crystal
FAR ACROSS!

Xena
Nice job.

Ruth
Thanks. You had to choose My Heart Will Go On, didn't you?

Xena
Hey, it's a nice change of pace from the screaming. At least now it's in key.

Goodbyes


(Reena sits on a bed with Ruth holding Xena's pillow)


Reena
I don't wanna go.

Ruth
What you do mean? You're getting out of here, you're going to become a hot nun.

Reena
I just don't want to go. It's easy in here. Out there, you gotta make decisions. You have to do things, it's just harder. Like trying to play a instrument perfectly for the first time. You have to be the smartest, bravest one out there to get by. I like getting my meals served to me! Sporks aren't so terrible. Half the time I just use my hands.

Ruth
You can do this. You're making a good decision.

Reena
I don't know, time just go by so fast when you're in here.

Ruth
Are you kidding? It feels like three years have gone by each day.

Reena
Yeah, I guess their scheduling could be better.

Ruth
I heard on Ward Six they have exercise sessions that are really good. Could you imagine us trying to have a fucking exercise session?

Reena
Crystal would do nothing but exercise her vagina.

Ruth
Hell, she could probably pull crystals out.

Reena
Don't be around when I leave okay? I hate goodbyes.

Ruth
Will you write me?

Reena
Oh please.

Ruth
No, I'm serious. I want to hear from you, what you're doing, how you're doing it. You'll be this wise, virtuous woman of God and I'm going to need that in my life to help me get by.

Reena
You are so weird.

Ruth
But you still like me, right?

Reena
Yeah, I like you.

Ruth
Then that's fine.

Reena
Be careful now, this place will chew you up and spit you out.

Ruth
Nah, this place can try to chew me up, but it'll just start to choke and I'll fly out of its mouth.

Reena
God you are so weird.


Big Brother

Paul
Little Sister, may I have my universal remote back please? I'd like to watch the news.

Ruth
Didn't peg you for a news watcher, Big Brother.

Paul
Yeah, I like to keep up on current events.

Ruth
You just want to impress Nurse Sara when she leads Group.

Paul
Now that is not true. I just like current events.

Ruth
I'll get the remote, it's in my room.

(Ruth starts walking toward her room. As she approaches, Khan walks out)

Ruth
What are you doing?

Khan
What?

Ruth
Why were you in my room?

Khan
Sorry mommasita, it just smells so GOOD in there I can't help myself...

Ruth
Get away from me. Now.

Khan
You smell good too.

Ruth
Shut up and get away from me! Nurse! NURSE!!

Khan
Calm down, people will think you're crazy or something..

Ruth
I'm not crazy! You're crazy! GO AWAY! You're not even supposed to be on this side of the ward! Nurse!

Khan
You see, no one's going to listen to you in here.

Ruth
I'll kick your ass.

Khan
It'll just set you back. All I want is one-

Ruth
No.

Khane
Just one-

Ruth
Get away from me!

Nurse
Alright, Khan, what are you doing on this side?

Ruth
Something needs to be done about this.

Nurse
I know, Ruth. Okay. Come on, Khan.

Xena
Hey, what was that about?

Ruth
He's some kind of criminal. Have you seen the dead look in his eyes? It's like there's a tiny Nazi living in his soul.

Xena
What did he want?

Ruth
Who cares? What was he doing in my room?

Xena
You don't think...

Ruth
What? You think he was like, going through my underwear or something?

Xena
Maybe he's wearing them right now.

Ruth
Ew! That's disgusting!

Xena
If I were you, I'd check.

(Ruth goes to her drawers and starts searching)

Ruth
Oh no.

Xena
What?

Ruth
No, no, no.

Xena
What did he take?

Ruth
My bag is gone.

Xena
What bag?

Ruth
My electronics bag. The universal remote, the CD player, all the batteries, its' gone.

Xena
That fucker.

Ruth
Did you see him hiding anything?

Xena
Maybe he stuffed it in his pants.

Ruth
That whole bag? He's pretty skinny, don't you think we would have noticed?

Xena
Maybe he found it, stashed it in his room, and then came back for more.

Ruth
Paul's going to hate me.

Xena
Cigarette?

Ruth
We've got to get that bag back.

Xena
How? We're not allowed on the other side of the ward.

Ruth
Oh, and that stopped him?

Xena
True. So what are we going to do?

Ruth
We're going to need a distraction.

Distracting Khan

(Ruth and Xena walk down the hall where Crystal and Khan are standing)

Khan
What's up mommasita?

Xena
Excuse me? Should you be talking to me like that?

Khan
I'm just saying hello. Why are you so angry?

Xena
I mean, it's a little awkward, hitting on me with your wife right in front of you.

Khan
What are you talking about? I'm not her husband!

Crystal
He's not my husband!

Xena
Oh, then I guess he's my husband.

Crystal
He's not your husband!

Xena
Oh, you're right, my mistake. He is your husband.

Crystal
That's right, he's mine.

Xena
And he will always be yours.

Crystal
He's never going to want you.

(Crystal wraps herself around Khan. Ruth silently slips into Khan's room)

Khan
What are you doing, you crazy bitch? Get off me!

Xena
Ah, newlyweds. Don't let me stop you from expressing your feelings.

Crystal
We met in 1945 and he couldn't take his eyes off me. He said my beauty was like a sparkling diamond, and he asked me to marry him. I had seven proposals that day.

Khan
Will someone please get her off me?! Nurse! NURSE!

(Ruth comes out of Khan's room, looking defeated)

Xena
Hey man, you made the vow of holy matrimony. You were the one who said she was a diamond. You're in it now, till death do you part.

Ruth
Let's go.

(Ruth and Xena go back to their room, while Khan still struggles to get Crystal off her)

Xena
Any luck?

Ruth
I checked everywhere. In his drawers, under his bed, behind his desk, nothing.

Xena
You're sure?

Ruth
There's not a whole lot of places to hide a bag. Unless he hid it behind the nurses' station, it's not here.

Xena
Let's go smoke and think about what to do.

Paul
Little sister!

Ruth
Oh crap.

Paul
I've been waiting for you!

Ruth
I know, Big Brother, I had to do some...research.

Paul
Is it okay if I have my remote back? It's almost time for the news.

Ruth
Well, Big Brother, I have to be honest with you...isn't the news kind of depressing?

Paul
Huh?

Ruth
Don't you think it's better to read a book, or gaze out the window?

Xena
TV will rot your brain.

Ruth
Yeah, you don't want that to happen. You have to keep your senses sharp right? I mean, how are you going to get out of here if you can't outsmart the doctors?

Paul
But the news makes you smart.

Ruth
Oh, no no no. That's what they want you to think. Really, they are trying to brainwash you.

Paul
They are?

Ruth
If you listen to them, soon you'll be voting for Hitler's offspring and supporting the death penalty to all puppies. You don't want to be responsible for being a puppy killer do you?

Xena
PUPPY KILLER!! PUPPY KILLER!

Paul
I don't want to kill puppies, little sister! I love dogs! I always wanted one.

Ruth
Well, I don't know. You better let me hang on to the remote for a little while longer. At least until the murderous brain washing goons on TV go away.

Paul
Good idea little sister. I don't want to be perceptible.

Xena
You mean susceptible?

Paul
Sure.

(Paul leaves, slightly confused)

Xena
That's probably only going to work another two times.

Ruth
Well, by then I'll get it back from Khan.

Taming Khan

(Ruth is in Khan's room, going through his things. She is holding a pair of pants when Khan enters)

Khan
If you wanted to get into my pants, all you had to do was ask.

Ruth
Where is it?

Khan
(grabbing his crotch)
It's right here baby.

Ruth
You are sick and disgusting. My bag, Khan. I know you took it.

Khan
Oh come now, baby, don't be making excuses. You wanted to come in here and you know it. We'll have to be quiet, the male nurse outside is sleeping.

Ruth
Keep away from me.

Khan
Come here.

Ruth
Don't touch me!

Khan
Come on, mommasita.

(Khan reaches for Ruth. Ruth draws an arm back and punches Khan in the mouth)

Khan
Argh!

Ruth
I'm sick of your shit Khan. Now what did you do with my bag?

Khan
You punched me in the mouth! Girls don't punch people!

Ruth
Oh my god, you big baby, get over it. Answer my question.

Khan
I didn't take your bag!

Ruth
Bullshit. Then why were you in my room?

Khan
No reason.

(She reaches back as if to punch him again)

Khan
Okay okay! I was trying to find something.

Ruth
What?

Khan
I could smell it on your breath. All day. All I wanted is just one....

Ruth
You were looking for cigarettes? That's it?

Khan
Do you still have any?

Ruth
Christ. I don't know, why don't you get me some coffee while I think about it.

Khan
Cream or sugar?

Ruth
Low fat milk, no sugar. Lots of milk. Don't screw it up.

Khan
Right.

Ruth
Hey. You're sure you didn't see a bag anywhere in my room? Blue, with white flowers on it?

Khan
Huh-uh. You want anything else besides the coffee?

Ruth
A universal remote would be good.

Khan
Huh?

Ruth
Nothing. Go.

Ruth's confession

(Ruth leaves Khan's room and immediately runs into Paul)

Paul
Hey little sister! Guess what? Crystal wants me to be the best man in her wedding and I said--

Ruth
Big Brother. Something happened.

Paul
Are you getting out?

Ruth
No, it's not that. I did something.

Paul
Like what?

Ruth
I...lost your remote.

Paul
What?

Ruth
And your CD player. Big Brother, I'm so sorry-

Paul
You lost my remote? How could you?

Ruth
I didn't mean to, I put it in my room, it was supposed to be safe, Big Brother-

Paul
Don't call me that. I trusted you with my most precious item, and it's gone!

Ruth
Just listen, I think it was someone here, we can get it back-

Paul
I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Ruth
Look, I'm sorry-

Paul
You're not my little sister anymore. A sister wouldn't take something like that away from me.

Ruth
I didn't take it-

Paul
You lost it, and you're not my sister anymore.

(Paul leaves)

Making Rounds

Xena
Ruth! Get up!

Ruth
Why? It's just another day. Another morning.

Xena
Not today. Connor's here. She's doing her rounds.

Ruth
So?

Xena
So? So? They're not just any rounds, girl. She's conducting evaluations. Now is the time to get up, take a shower, get pretty, put on some nice clothes, smile, and get your ticket out of here!

Ruth
What's the point? We're all going to be in here for the rest of our lives. No one listens to us when we need help, no one cares if we're doing better, she's just going to see what she wants.

Xena
Look, I wouldn't say this to anyone but you: Shut up and get over it. We're all miserable in here, but for some of them, this is it. This is as far as they're going to go. But you, you've got a whole other world to be miserable in. You can go beyond this misery here and into a completely new stratosphere of suffering. And it will be beautiful because it's yours. Don't fall into their easy hell. This is their world. Not yours.

Ruth
What about you?

Xena
Eh, I still got some things I need to work through before I can be purely miserable. I think knowing where you are is healthy. You can't lie to yourself. Doctors, yes, yourself, no.

Last Session

Connor
You look nice today.

Ruth
Thank you. The weather outside looked nice, so I thought I'd dress to match.

Connor
The nurses have reported that you are doing much better. The outbursts have decreased, and they say you are smiling more and interacting well with the others.

Ruth
Thanks. I feel better. It's amazing what sleep can do.

Connor
How are you feeling?

Ruth
I'm a little tired of lying to myself.

Connor
How so?

Ruth
Ever since I was brought in here, I've believed that someone was to blame. The police, the doctors, the nurses, the other patients, they were somehow responsible for what happened to me. Now I see that while it wasn't them, it wasn't me either. Sometimes you can't put blame on anything, it just happens and it's up to you to figure out what's next.

Connor
What do you think is next for you?

Ruth
I'm not sure, but after this, I think I can handle anything.

Connor
You've spent a long time in here, enough time to observe the other patients and how to deal with doctors and nurses. I'm sure by now you know exactly what to say and what not to say. How do I know...

Ruth
That I'm not just saying what you want to hear?

Connor
Well, yes.

Ruth
I don't know, doc. How do I know you're not doing the same thing when you tell me I'm getting better?

Connor
Good point. Well, do you think you are ready to go back into the real world?

Ruth
Oh yeah. I think if I can survive in here, the real world should be no problem.

Connor
All right. Well, there's going to be a meeting after I finish my rounds. We'll see what happens, but I think you're ready to move on from here. Good luck, Ruth.

Ruth
Thank you, Dr. Connor.

Big Brother

(Ruth goes to Paul's room. The door is closed)

Ruth
Big--Paul? Paul, are you in there? I'm getting out today. I wanted again to say how sorry I am. Please open the door? Paul?

(Khan walks by)

Khan
Here's your coffee.

Ruth
Oh, thank you Khan. Is there milk?

Khan
Yes.

Ruth
Good. Go away.

(Khan leaves)

Ruth
Come on, Paul, please open the door. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here for me. You saved my life in here, and I'd just really like to see you before I leave. Please? Come on Paul, it's just a piece of electronic junk. I know you trusted me with it, but sometimes things happen and you can't just be helped. If you had lost something I had loved, I would be mad, yes, but I would have forgiven you. That's what friends do. Please be my friend Paul, please? Paul?

(no answer)

Ruth
Okay. Well, my discharge papers should be ready soon, so if I don't see you, I really hope you get better Paul, okay? Thank you.

Leaving

(Ruth stands in the hall, holding some of her clothes and a toiletry bag. The nurse has just given her discharge papers)

Nurse
All right, you take care now, you hear? And don't be getting into any more fights with cops.

Ruth
Believe me, I won't. I fought the law, and the law won. That song has never felt more true than right now.

Xena
You have my address, right? And my phone number, and my email?

Ruth
Yes. Don't lose mine now, okay? I want to here from you the minute you get out. We sisters from another mister have to support each other. (whispers) And give Khan my cigarettes. Make him work for it, otherwise all my training will be ruined.

Xena
Got it.

Ruth
I think you have a great chance at being miserable too, you know.

Xena
Oh, stop, you're just saying that. Now get out of here, I have to go to Group.

Ruth
See you on the other side.

(They grab each other's hands. Xena leaves Crystal walks by)

Crystal
Who are you going to marry?

Ruth
Oh, I couldn't marry anyone. Whoever I pick would leave me for you in a heartbeat.

Crystal
You're very beautiful. You could get married.

Ruth
Thank you. I think you're beautiful too.

Crystal
Of course I am. And she shouldn't have stolen from you.

Ruth
What? Who?

Crystal
The one who left. She was going to be my maid of honor, but I don't like thieves.

Ruth
Reena?

Crystal
No, I'm getting married, not Reena!

Ruth
Of course you are. Congratulations.

Crystal
She was going to steal my crystals too, but I hid them. She'll never get them now.


(Crystal exits)

Ruth
Well, what do I do now?

Nurse
Just go through that door.

Ruth
That's it? That's all it takes?

Nurse
That's all.

Ruth
All right.

(As soon as Ruth opens the door, the lights go to black and music can be heard)

Frankie D's voice
All right, all right. Good evening my fellow hipsters, Frankie D's in the house keeping you alive and groovy tonight. Hey it's time for our special dedication hour, and we have a very special one tonight...

(lights come up and we see Paul in his room, opening a package)

Frankie
This one goes out to Paul, from his little sister, and she says "I'm sorry Big Brother, for what I did, but hopefully you get my package soon, and know that you are never far from my thoughts and my heart. Stay strong". Well Paul, on behalf of Ruth and myself, this one's for you.

("My Heart Will Go On" begins as Paul opens the package and pulls out a brand new universal remote and a CD player)

Paul
Thanks little sister.

(Lights out)