Thanks for Coming In
by Rose Kinne
(Lights rise. We see David, an office manager, sitting behind a desk. Secretary enters with Emily, Emily is holding a file)
Secretary
David, Emily is ready for you now.
(Secretary leaves)
David
Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat.
Emily
Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!
(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)
David
Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face. Travis said you nailed the phone interview. So, just to bring me up to speed, tell me a little about the process, how did you find out about Penultimate?
Emily
Penultimate? Wait, this isn't Microsoft?
David
Ah no. This isn't Microsoft.
Emily
Huh? What? Wait, what am I applying for again? Can you check?
David
Um. You don't know?
Emily
Yeah, I forgot, you know, so many applications, and I just need money, so what's this place again?
David
My apologies, but I do not believe this is going to be the right fit for us. But thanks for coming in.
Emily
No problem.
(A bell is heard off stage. Emily stands up)
David
Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat.
Emily
Thank you, so nice to finally meet you!
(She extends her hand, they shake, she sits down)
David
Yes! Likewise, great to finally meet you face to face.
Emily
Yes, I'm so excited to be at (Subltly looks at file) Penultimate.
David
Wonderful, that's wonderful. So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us?
Emily
Well, I recently graduated with my degree in English literature, and I spent a few years working for the Admissions Office at the university and really loved it. I saw on LinkedIn that you need a receptionist, so I thought I would be a good match for your company here.
David
That's just great. I’m so glad you could make it, you seem very educated and you just have a lovely light in your eyes, like you’re ready and raring to go.
Emily
Wow. Thank you.
David
Unfortunately, I don’t see anything available for you at this time…
Emily
Oh. Oh, okay. I’m sorry, I thought it said you were hiring right now..?
David
Oh! Yeah, whoops sorry about that, I really need to get HR to fix that. Heh, what a crazy sense of humor they've got. Oh well, what can you do. Thanks for coming in.
Emily
No. uh, problem.
David
Ah, Emily, welcome. Please have a seat.
Emily
Thanks, it's so nice to meet you. (They shake hands, she sits) I'm really excited to be at Penultimate.
David
So, tell me a little about yourself, how did you find out about us?
Emily
Oh, my friend works here. He's in HR.
David
Oh Travis! Great guy.
Emily
Oh I know. And he’s got such a wonderful sense of humor.
David
How did you two meet?
Emily
Oh, we used to fuck before he came out.
(bell)
David
How did you two meet?
Emily
Oh, we used to make out at random college parties.
(bell ring)
David
How did you two meet?
Emily
Oh, we took Intro to English Literature together in college.
David
Very nice. So, do you have secretary experience?
Emily
Well, no. But it doesn't look that hard. I watched The Office and I figured that was enough.
David
I see.
(bell rings)
David
So, do you have secretary experience?
Emily
No. But I was a "sexy secretary" for Halloween last year.
David
Uh huh.
(bell rings)
David
Do you have secretary experience?
Emily
What does that mean?
David
Just...have you been a secretary before?
Emily
Isn't the term "Administrative Assistant"?
David
Well, I guess...
Emily
I mean, you wouldn't ask a man if he had experience as a secretary, would you? Because that would just sound weird, wouldn't it? That's why they changed the name isn't it? I mean, never mind that the average woman still gets 77 cents for every dollar a man earns for doing the same amount of work, or that sexual harassment is three times more likely to happen to a woman than a man in the workplace, let's make sure that a man isn't demeaned by being called a secretary! Because it's a white man's world out there, and I guess I better be grateful you even agreed to me with me at all! And if you hire me, I'll have to put up with your extremely unfunny jokes and pretending you're hilarious, or listening to you lecture me on current events or literature, which, by the way, I got my Masters in, not that you would know that, because the only thing you ask me is how my dating life is going, while every day I watch you do a job that could be done by a monkey with a stapler!
David
All right.
(bell rings)
David
So, do you have any experience?
Emily
Yes, I worked for the Admissions Office at my school for a couple of years.
David
So, what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Emily
Uh...um...huh, wow, that is a really great question...eerrrr...I guess....I...think...heh heh....uuuummmmmmm....
(bell rings)
David
So what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Emily
Gosh, that is so funny. I was just thinking today that I don't have one!
(bell rings)
David
What is your greatest weakness?
Emily
Answering stupid questions.
(bell rings)
David
What is your greatest weakness?
Emily
(about to cry) You know, sometimes I just care. Too. Much.
(bell rings)
David
What would you say is your greatest weakness?
Emily
I'm really bad at public speaking. I used to get so nervous before speaking in front of a crowd that my entire face went numb. So, during my last semester in college, I decided to take a Public Speaking course, just to see if I could do it. The first couple of times felt really nerve wracking, but the more I did it the more I realized my audience wanted me to succeed. After that I got a lot better, and now only like, half of my face goes numb when I give a speech.
David
Haha, love it. So, where do you see yourself in five years?
Emily
You know, to be honest, I’m not really sure. I just graduated school, and for the first time, I feel like it’s time for me to be an adult and enter the real world, but I’m not quite sure where my place is.
David
Sure.
Emily
I mean, sure I'd love to have a rewarding career, a nice husband, and I know I want kids. But when it comes to a specific career, I have no idea. I know I have skills, and I will work harder than anyone else you meet today, because I will appreciate it more. So much more. I just need a chance to show it. But it's hard to know what I want in five years when I can't even tell what's going to happen to me in five hours.
David
Well I really enjoyed meeting you.
Emily
I’m not getting this job, am I?
David
It’s not a personal.
Emily
Sure.
David
I think you’ve got a lot to offer the world. But as of right now, we’re just looking for someone with a little more ambition.
Emily
Well, I appreciate your honesty.
David
Good luck out there. Don’t give up.
Emily
I won’t.
David
Thanks for coming in.
(bell rings)
David
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Emily
I see myself as a professional writer and editor, managing a marketing team.
David
Oh, that’s wonderful. So, do you have any questions for me?
Emily
Yes. Do you have benefits?
David
What better benefit than me? Say, have you heard this joke--
(bell rings)
Emily
Do you have benefits?
David
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(bell rings)
Emily
Do you have any benefits?
David
Yes, we can give you full use of a chair, paper clips and stale oxygen! You can't take those home, though, little lady. (bell rings)
Emily
Do you have any benefits?
David
Yes, we have a very nice medical and dental plan.
Emily
Terrific.
David
Oh good, I was hoping that would interest you.
Emily
Oh really, why? Is the pay terrible?
David
Nope. You make at least three bucks an hour.
(bell rings)
David
Four dollars an hour.
(bell rings)
David
Five dollars an hour and a stick of gum at the end of every shift.
(bell rings)
David
Well, the starting salary is 12 dollars an hour.
Emily
Oh.
David
But you get a merit increase every six months.
Emily
That’s not bad at all.
David
I mean, do you have to scrub out toilets with your finger...
(bell rings)
David
I mean, do you have to talk your coworkers off the roof every three hours...
(bell rings)
David
I mean, you do have to shave your head and start worshipping Hitler...
(bell rings)
David
I mean, do you have to take out the trash once in awhile....
Emily
I see. Well, I don’t mind taking out the trash every once in awhile. Just as long as everyone helps out.
David
That's great. We really like everyone to be a team player around here. Listen, our regional manager is out of town until Thursday, would you be available to come in for a second interview? He’s a really fun guy.
Emily
Yeah, I mean, I’m volunteering at the Reading Center until noon, but I can make it after that.
David
Great, and how’s your availability in general? Do you volunteer a lot?
Emily
I do, but they are really flexible. I can switch times whenever I want. Does the company ever do charity work?
David
Yes, we host a soup kitchen twice a month. Can you bake cornbread?
Emily
That was the first recipe my mother taught me to make.
David
And do you like cream of broccoli?
(pause)
Emily
Actually, I think it’s kind of gross.
David
Thank you! Sarah keeps saying we should make it, but everyone is against it.
Emily
Do I get vacation time?
David
Yes.
Emily
And sick days?
David
Absolutely.
Emily
And is it okay if I bring a Magic 8 ball to work?
David
Why not?
Emily
This Thursday, right? What time?
David
Does 2:30 work for you?
Emily
No problem.
David
Great. Well, thank you very much for coming in.
Emily
Thanks for having me.
David/Emily
No problem.
End
