Seaon Three: Psych! Act Two

Reena

(Reena and Ruth sit watching TV in the common room)

Ruth
Have you thought about what you're going to do once you get out of here?

Reena
Yeah, I think I'm going to be a nun. I think it'll be really cool, you know? Waking up early, wearing simple clothing again, that will be a relief, let me tell you. Thong panties ain't no picnic. Especially when you gotta pretend that it's sexy and you're enjoying it. Nothing gives a man greater pleasure than watching a girl enjoy herself. So now they'll be watching me, enjoying the fuck outta myself in my habit.

Ruth
Sister Reena. That's got a nice tone to it. Are you Catholic?

Reena
No, but I know a lot about guilt, that should cover it, don't you think?

Ruth
Sure, sure. I just think it's great that you're getting out. Some people here are in here for life, like Khan or Crystal, but you've got other good things to share with the world Reena. You're going to be just fine.

Reena
Yeah. Thanks.

Ruth
I can't believe we didn't give you a proper goodbye party. On Ward Six they let them have goodbye parties, people bring cakes and they eat with plastic forks. Forks. Not sporks, forks. Man fuck sporks.

(Paul enters)

Paul
Hey little sister.

Ruth
Big Brother, what's going on? What have you been doing?

Paul
Writing statements.

Ruth
Thanks for letting me borrow your CD player. It's really been helping, I can't even hear Old Yeller at night anymore.

Paul
You're welcome, I'm glad you like it.

Ruth
Do you think I could borrow your universal remote?

Paul
Oh, well, I don't know.

Ruth
Please? Whenever we want to watch TV during lunch it's always something really boring, like soap operas.

Paul
You gotta promise to take real good care of it. Never let it leave your sight.

Ruth
It will be in my professional care. I promise.

Paul
Okay then.

(Paul digs the remote out of his fanny pack)

Paul
I'm trusting you little sister.

Nurse
Brit-Ruth? Ruth North? Do you know what time it is?

Ruth
Yeah, it's 2-Oh! Right! Sorry! I'm coming!

(Ruth sits with Connor)

Connor
How are you?

Ruth
I'm acknowledging your presence, thanks for asking. How are you?

Connor
Very well, thank you. So, you were late because you were talking with Ruth and Paul?

Ruth
Yeah, it's nice to have people here to talk to. It's rare to find good people.

Connor
Did you find it hard to find good people outside of here?

Ruth
No, not really. I mean, my dealer was a pretty nice guy. All my co-workers were very friendly, but between all of our schedules, it was hard to find a time to get together. And I do better by myself, I think. I like my alone time. Dr. Connor?

Connor
Yes?

Ruth
Do you really think that I'm bipolar?

Connor
Yes.

(long pause)

Ruth
Are you sure?

Connor
Yes.

Ruth
Isn't this diagnosis...kinda...permanent?

Connor
It is something that you will have to treat for the rest of your life, yes. You seem ashamed.

Ruth
Well, yeah. I'm in a mental hospital. I'm surrounded by a lot of fucked up people, taking meds and basically shunned away from real life. I think ashamed is an understatement.

Connor
And if you were in the hospital with a broken leg, would you feel ashamed about that?

Ruth
Depends on how I broke it.

Connor
Or if you had Type One Diabetes, would you feel ashamed about that?

Ruth
Probably not.

Connor
Then why feel shame over this?

Ruth
Because I did this to myself!

Connor
I don't think you did this to yourself. I don't think anyone could give themselves manic depressive disorder. You are a very talented woman Ruth, but even that is something that is out of your capabilities. Did you decide to stop sleeping?

Ruth
No, I just couldn't fall asleep. I tried to.

Connor
This was going to happen no matter what you did or did not do. You couldn't change it even more than trying to change having a physical illness.

Ruth
You know, I've had a lot of time to sit and think about the events that led me here. Heck, I've had so much time in here that sometimes all I'll do is stare at the dust motes in the air. They're up, they're down, they twist through the air and seem to just sway there, held by an invisible hammock. And it seems like their fate isn't so different from mine: we're just flying wildly from place to place, blown into another existence because someone exhaled.


Kareoke

Nurse
Okay, so we have a Karaoke machine here, and a bunch of CD's.

(Sudden screaming and yelling)

Xena
Aye, Dios Mio, she's awake.

Nurse
So we'll all take turns and choose one song to sing, okay? Who wants to go first?

Xena
Ruth! Ruth wants to go!

Ruth
What? No-

Xena
Yeah, come on girl. You always sing so sweetly at night with your headphones on, sing something!

Xena
Yeah, sing My Heart Will Go On!

Ruth
Seriously?

Paul
C'mon little sister! I bet you have a pretty voice!

Ruth
Okay. You have to be honest, Big Brother, and tell me if I'm no good, okay?

Crystal
She's not good!

Nurse
It's Ruth's turn, now, okay?

Ruth
No, she's right, I'm terrible.

Crystal
You're terrible.

Ruth
You'd better sing with me, so I don't screw up the song.

Crystal
You're going to screw it up, my vagina said so.

Ruth
Alright Medusa, let's do it.

(Ruth and Crystal step up to the machine and grab microphones. Ruth puts the CD into the machine and the music starts as the yelling gets louder and the screaming intensifies)

Ruth
Every night in my dreams-

Crystal
EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

Ruth
I see you, I-

Crystal
EVERY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paul
She's ruining the song! She's ruining it!

(Paul runs out of the room. Suddenly, in stumbles in a black woman in an hospital nightgown, crying and wailing loudly)

Xena
Hey, Ramona, you're just in time to sing! C'mon girl, get up here!

Ramona
WaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH. AHHHHHHH!

Ruth
Far across the distance,

Crystal
FAR ACROSS! I'M A BETTER SINGER THAN YOU ARE!

Ruth
And spaces, between us-

Ramona
AHHHH! AHHHHHH HAHH HAAAH!

Ruth
You have come to show you, go on-

Crystal
FAR ACROSS!

Ruth
C'mon Old Yell-I mean, Ramona? Here, take my mike. Please. C'mon, you know this, everyone does. Sing with me. Near.

Ramona
AHHHHH!

Ruth
Far...

Ramona
WAHHHHHHH!

Ruth
That's it, good! Wherever you are, I believe that heart does, go, what?

Ramona
OOONNNNNNN!

Ruth
Once,

Ramona
MORE!

Ruth
You

Ramona
OPEN THE DOOR!

Ruth
And you're here in my heart and my heart will

Ramona
GO ON AND ONNNNNNN!!!!!!

Ruth
Great. Great! Good job Ramona. Here, take my mike okay. Keep going.

Crystal
I told you I was a better singer!

Ruth
Yup. You were right. Keep going, sing with Ramona now, okay?

Crystal
Yes. FAR ACROSS!!

Ramona
YOU'RE HERE! THERE'S NOTHING I FEAR!

Crystal
FAR ACROSS!

Xena
Nice job.

Ruth
Thanks. You had to choose My Heart Will Go On, didn't you?

Xena
Hey, it's a nice change of pace from the screaming. At least now it's in key.

Goodbyes


(Reena sits on a bed with Ruth holding Xena's pillow)


Reena
I don't wanna go.

Ruth
What you do mean? You're getting out of here, you're going to become a hot nun.

Reena
I just don't want to go. It's easy in here. Out there, you gotta make decisions. You have to do things, it's just harder. Like trying to play a instrument perfectly for the first time. You have to be the smartest, bravest one out there to get by. I like getting my meals served to me! Sporks aren't so terrible. Half the time I just use my hands.

Ruth
You can do this. You're making a good decision.

Reena
I don't know, time just go by so fast when you're in here.

Ruth
Are you kidding? It feels like three years have gone by each day.

Reena
Yeah, I guess their scheduling could be better.

Ruth
I heard on Ward Six they have exercise sessions that are really good. Could you imagine us trying to have a fucking exercise session?

Reena
Crystal would do nothing but exercise her vagina.

Ruth
Hell, she could probably pull crystals out.

Reena
Don't be around when I leave okay? I hate goodbyes.

Ruth
Will you write me?

Reena
Oh please.

Ruth
No, I'm serious. I want to hear from you, what you're doing, how you're doing it. You'll be this wise, virtuous woman of God and I'm going to need that in my life to help me get by.

Reena
You are so weird.

Ruth
But you still like me, right?

Reena
Yeah, I like you.

Ruth
Then that's fine.

Reena
Be careful now, this place will chew you up and spit you out.

Ruth
Nah, this place can try to chew me up, but it'll just start to choke and I'll fly out of its mouth.

Reena
God you are so weird.


Big Brother

Paul
Little Sister, may I have my universal remote back please? I'd like to watch the news.

Ruth
Didn't peg you for a news watcher, Big Brother.

Paul
Yeah, I like to keep up on current events.

Ruth
You just want to impress Nurse Sara when she leads Group.

Paul
Now that is not true. I just like current events.

Ruth
I'll get the remote, it's in my room.

(Ruth starts walking toward her room. As she approaches, Khan walks out)

Ruth
What are you doing?

Khan
What?

Ruth
Why were you in my room?

Khan
Sorry mommasita, it just smells so GOOD in there I can't help myself...

Ruth
Get away from me. Now.

Khan
You smell good too.

Ruth
Shut up and get away from me! Nurse! NURSE!!

Khan
Calm down, people will think you're crazy or something..

Ruth
I'm not crazy! You're crazy! GO AWAY! You're not even supposed to be on this side of the ward! Nurse!

Khan
You see, no one's going to listen to you in here.

Ruth
I'll kick your ass.

Khan
It'll just set you back. All I want is one-

Ruth
No.

Khane
Just one-

Ruth
Get away from me!

Nurse
Alright, Khan, what are you doing on this side?

Ruth
Something needs to be done about this.

Nurse
I know, Ruth. Okay. Come on, Khan.

Xena
Hey, what was that about?

Ruth
He's some kind of criminal. Have you seen the dead look in his eyes? It's like there's a tiny Nazi living in his soul.

Xena
What did he want?

Ruth
Who cares? What was he doing in my room?

Xena
You don't think...

Ruth
What? You think he was like, going through my underwear or something?

Xena
Maybe he's wearing them right now.

Ruth
Ew! That's disgusting!

Xena
If I were you, I'd check.

(Ruth goes to her drawers and starts searching)

Ruth
Oh no.

Xena
What?

Ruth
No, no, no.

Xena
What did he take?

Ruth
My bag is gone.

Xena
What bag?

Ruth
My electronics bag. The universal remote, the CD player, all the batteries, its' gone.

Xena
That fucker.

Ruth
Did you see him hiding anything?

Xena
Maybe he stuffed it in his pants.

Ruth
That whole bag? He's pretty skinny, don't you think we would have noticed?

Xena
Maybe he found it, stashed it in his room, and then came back for more.

Ruth
Paul's going to hate me.

Xena
Cigarette?

Ruth
We've got to get that bag back.

Xena
How? We're not allowed on the other side of the ward.

Ruth
Oh, and that stopped him?

Xena
True. So what are we going to do?

Ruth
We're going to need a distraction.

Distracting Khan

(Ruth and Xena walk down the hall where Crystal and Khan are standing)

Khan
What's up mommasita?

Xena
Excuse me? Should you be talking to me like that?

Khan
I'm just saying hello. Why are you so angry?

Xena
I mean, it's a little awkward, hitting on me with your wife right in front of you.

Khan
What are you talking about? I'm not her husband!

Crystal
He's not my husband!

Xena
Oh, then I guess he's my husband.

Crystal
He's not your husband!

Xena
Oh, you're right, my mistake. He is your husband.

Crystal
That's right, he's mine.

Xena
And he will always be yours.

Crystal
He's never going to want you.

(Crystal wraps herself around Khan. Ruth silently slips into Khan's room)

Khan
What are you doing, you crazy bitch? Get off me!

Xena
Ah, newlyweds. Don't let me stop you from expressing your feelings.

Crystal
We met in 1945 and he couldn't take his eyes off me. He said my beauty was like a sparkling diamond, and he asked me to marry him. I had seven proposals that day.

Khan
Will someone please get her off me?! Nurse! NURSE!

(Ruth comes out of Khan's room, looking defeated)

Xena
Hey man, you made the vow of holy matrimony. You were the one who said she was a diamond. You're in it now, till death do you part.

Ruth
Let's go.

(Ruth and Xena go back to their room, while Khan still struggles to get Crystal off her)

Xena
Any luck?

Ruth
I checked everywhere. In his drawers, under his bed, behind his desk, nothing.

Xena
You're sure?

Ruth
There's not a whole lot of places to hide a bag. Unless he hid it behind the nurses' station, it's not here.

Xena
Let's go smoke and think about what to do.

Paul
Little sister!

Ruth
Oh crap.

Paul
I've been waiting for you!

Ruth
I know, Big Brother, I had to do some...research.

Paul
Is it okay if I have my remote back? It's almost time for the news.

Ruth
Well, Big Brother, I have to be honest with you...isn't the news kind of depressing?

Paul
Huh?

Ruth
Don't you think it's better to read a book, or gaze out the window?

Xena
TV will rot your brain.

Ruth
Yeah, you don't want that to happen. You have to keep your senses sharp right? I mean, how are you going to get out of here if you can't outsmart the doctors?

Paul
But the news makes you smart.

Ruth
Oh, no no no. That's what they want you to think. Really, they are trying to brainwash you.

Paul
They are?

Ruth
If you listen to them, soon you'll be voting for Hitler's offspring and supporting the death penalty to all puppies. You don't want to be responsible for being a puppy killer do you?

Xena
PUPPY KILLER!! PUPPY KILLER!

Paul
I don't want to kill puppies, little sister! I love dogs! I always wanted one.

Ruth
Well, I don't know. You better let me hang on to the remote for a little while longer. At least until the murderous brain washing goons on TV go away.

Paul
Good idea little sister. I don't want to be perceptible.

Xena
You mean susceptible?

Paul
Sure.

(Paul leaves, slightly confused)

Xena
That's probably only going to work another two times.

Ruth
Well, by then I'll get it back from Khan.

Taming Khan

(Ruth is in Khan's room, going through his things. She is holding a pair of pants when Khan enters)

Khan
If you wanted to get into my pants, all you had to do was ask.

Ruth
Where is it?

Khan
(grabbing his crotch)
It's right here baby.

Ruth
You are sick and disgusting. My bag, Khan. I know you took it.

Khan
Oh come now, baby, don't be making excuses. You wanted to come in here and you know it. We'll have to be quiet, the male nurse outside is sleeping.

Ruth
Keep away from me.

Khan
Come here.

Ruth
Don't touch me!

Khan
Come on, mommasita.

(Khan reaches for Ruth. Ruth draws an arm back and punches Khan in the mouth)

Khan
Argh!

Ruth
I'm sick of your shit Khan. Now what did you do with my bag?

Khan
You punched me in the mouth! Girls don't punch people!

Ruth
Oh my god, you big baby, get over it. Answer my question.

Khan
I didn't take your bag!

Ruth
Bullshit. Then why were you in my room?

Khan
No reason.

(She reaches back as if to punch him again)

Khan
Okay okay! I was trying to find something.

Ruth
What?

Khan
I could smell it on your breath. All day. All I wanted is just one....

Ruth
You were looking for cigarettes? That's it?

Khan
Do you still have any?

Ruth
Christ. I don't know, why don't you get me some coffee while I think about it.

Khan
Cream or sugar?

Ruth
Low fat milk, no sugar. Lots of milk. Don't screw it up.

Khan
Right.

Ruth
Hey. You're sure you didn't see a bag anywhere in my room? Blue, with white flowers on it?

Khan
Huh-uh. You want anything else besides the coffee?

Ruth
A universal remote would be good.

Khan
Huh?

Ruth
Nothing. Go.

Ruth's confession

(Ruth leaves Khan's room and immediately runs into Paul)

Paul
Hey little sister! Guess what? Crystal wants me to be the best man in her wedding and I said--

Ruth
Big Brother. Something happened.

Paul
Are you getting out?

Ruth
No, it's not that. I did something.

Paul
Like what?

Ruth
I...lost your remote.

Paul
What?

Ruth
And your CD player. Big Brother, I'm so sorry-

Paul
You lost my remote? How could you?

Ruth
I didn't mean to, I put it in my room, it was supposed to be safe, Big Brother-

Paul
Don't call me that. I trusted you with my most precious item, and it's gone!

Ruth
Just listen, I think it was someone here, we can get it back-

Paul
I don't want to talk to you anymore.

Ruth
Look, I'm sorry-

Paul
You're not my little sister anymore. A sister wouldn't take something like that away from me.

Ruth
I didn't take it-

Paul
You lost it, and you're not my sister anymore.

(Paul leaves)

Making Rounds

Xena
Ruth! Get up!

Ruth
Why? It's just another day. Another morning.

Xena
Not today. Connor's here. She's doing her rounds.

Ruth
So?

Xena
So? So? They're not just any rounds, girl. She's conducting evaluations. Now is the time to get up, take a shower, get pretty, put on some nice clothes, smile, and get your ticket out of here!

Ruth
What's the point? We're all going to be in here for the rest of our lives. No one listens to us when we need help, no one cares if we're doing better, she's just going to see what she wants.

Xena
Look, I wouldn't say this to anyone but you: Shut up and get over it. We're all miserable in here, but for some of them, this is it. This is as far as they're going to go. But you, you've got a whole other world to be miserable in. You can go beyond this misery here and into a completely new stratosphere of suffering. And it will be beautiful because it's yours. Don't fall into their easy hell. This is their world. Not yours.

Ruth
What about you?

Xena
Eh, I still got some things I need to work through before I can be purely miserable. I think knowing where you are is healthy. You can't lie to yourself. Doctors, yes, yourself, no.

Last Session

Connor
You look nice today.

Ruth
Thank you. The weather outside looked nice, so I thought I'd dress to match.

Connor
The nurses have reported that you are doing much better. The outbursts have decreased, and they say you are smiling more and interacting well with the others.

Ruth
Thanks. I feel better. It's amazing what sleep can do.

Connor
How are you feeling?

Ruth
I'm a little tired of lying to myself.

Connor
How so?

Ruth
Ever since I was brought in here, I've believed that someone was to blame. The police, the doctors, the nurses, the other patients, they were somehow responsible for what happened to me. Now I see that while it wasn't them, it wasn't me either. Sometimes you can't put blame on anything, it just happens and it's up to you to figure out what's next.

Connor
What do you think is next for you?

Ruth
I'm not sure, but after this, I think I can handle anything.

Connor
You've spent a long time in here, enough time to observe the other patients and how to deal with doctors and nurses. I'm sure by now you know exactly what to say and what not to say. How do I know...

Ruth
That I'm not just saying what you want to hear?

Connor
Well, yes.

Ruth
I don't know, doc. How do I know you're not doing the same thing when you tell me I'm getting better?

Connor
Good point. Well, do you think you are ready to go back into the real world?

Ruth
Oh yeah. I think if I can survive in here, the real world should be no problem.

Connor
All right. Well, there's going to be a meeting after I finish my rounds. We'll see what happens, but I think you're ready to move on from here. Good luck, Ruth.

Ruth
Thank you, Dr. Connor.

Big Brother

(Ruth goes to Paul's room. The door is closed)

Ruth
Big--Paul? Paul, are you in there? I'm getting out today. I wanted again to say how sorry I am. Please open the door? Paul?

(Khan walks by)

Khan
Here's your coffee.

Ruth
Oh, thank you Khan. Is there milk?

Khan
Yes.

Ruth
Good. Go away.

(Khan leaves)

Ruth
Come on, Paul, please open the door. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here for me. You saved my life in here, and I'd just really like to see you before I leave. Please? Come on Paul, it's just a piece of electronic junk. I know you trusted me with it, but sometimes things happen and you can't just be helped. If you had lost something I had loved, I would be mad, yes, but I would have forgiven you. That's what friends do. Please be my friend Paul, please? Paul?

(no answer)

Ruth
Okay. Well, my discharge papers should be ready soon, so if I don't see you, I really hope you get better Paul, okay? Thank you.

Leaving

(Ruth stands in the hall, holding some of her clothes and a toiletry bag. The nurse has just given her discharge papers)

Nurse
All right, you take care now, you hear? And don't be getting into any more fights with cops.

Ruth
Believe me, I won't. I fought the law, and the law won. That song has never felt more true than right now.

Xena
You have my address, right? And my phone number, and my email?

Ruth
Yes. Don't lose mine now, okay? I want to here from you the minute you get out. We sisters from another mister have to support each other. (whispers) And give Khan my cigarettes. Make him work for it, otherwise all my training will be ruined.

Xena
Got it.

Ruth
I think you have a great chance at being miserable too, you know.

Xena
Oh, stop, you're just saying that. Now get out of here, I have to go to Group.

Ruth
See you on the other side.

(They grab each other's hands. Xena leaves Crystal walks by)

Crystal
Who are you going to marry?

Ruth
Oh, I couldn't marry anyone. Whoever I pick would leave me for you in a heartbeat.

Crystal
You're very beautiful. You could get married.

Ruth
Thank you. I think you're beautiful too.

Crystal
Of course I am. And she shouldn't have stolen from you.

Ruth
What? Who?

Crystal
The one who left. She was going to be my maid of honor, but I don't like thieves.

Ruth
Reena?

Crystal
No, I'm getting married, not Reena!

Ruth
Of course you are. Congratulations.

Crystal
She was going to steal my crystals too, but I hid them. She'll never get them now.


(Crystal exits)

Ruth
Well, what do I do now?

Nurse
Just go through that door.

Ruth
That's it? That's all it takes?

Nurse
That's all.

Ruth
All right.

(As soon as Ruth opens the door, the lights go to black and music can be heard)

Frankie D's voice
All right, all right. Good evening my fellow hipsters, Frankie D's in the house keeping you alive and groovy tonight. Hey it's time for our special dedication hour, and we have a very special one tonight...

(lights come up and we see Paul in his room, opening a package)

Frankie
This one goes out to Paul, from his little sister, and she says "I'm sorry Big Brother, for what I did, but hopefully you get my package soon, and know that you are never far from my thoughts and my heart. Stay strong". Well Paul, on behalf of Ruth and myself, this one's for you.

("My Heart Will Go On" begins as Paul opens the package and pulls out a brand new universal remote and a CD player)

Paul
Thanks little sister.

(Lights out)

Season Three: Matt's Monologue

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Season Three: Marci's Monologue

Marci


I don't know where these are coming from, but someone needs to put them back. This is a new millennium, women can be executives, sports casters, and can run for president, for God's sake! But there are some things that should not be equal. There are some things that women should not partake in, and that my friends, is the naming of our private parts. It's just a vagina! It's something that should just have an "insert here" label. It's not something to fuss over or create stupid little nicknames that don't make any sense! Who wants to refer their private parts as a Va Jay Jay or Woo Ha or Muff? Or a Peep, Poop A Loo or Pussycat? Who are these people, and when did they think that these names could work? It's ridiculous! Let men name their situations, it's embarrassing enough when they do it. I guess when it's just dangling in front of you all day you feel compelled to name it, but we're women. All of our sex organs are tucked up neatly inside. We don't just let it all hang out. We're different than our male counterparts for a reason. There are some things we can share. Love of sports, beer, certain kinds of music, but this, this is where it ends. There is just no good word for what we've got going on down there. There never will be. But can't we all just agree to not continue the search for ridiculous words for our private areas? Could we not use nicknames during foreplay? Just shut up and do me! God!