Feminism and Me and How You Are Screwing It Up

Yes, in case you were wondering, I am a Feminist.  Even more shocking, I actually knew what that word meant before checking Wikipedia.  My mother taught me at an early age, and my dad backed her up, that we are currently living in a man's world.  We naturally assume in America that the next president is going to be a middle aged man.  We go to the movies and nine times out of ten the protagonist will be a man.  There will possibly be a woman or two in that movie, and one or both will be the romantic love interest of that man.  Women are still receiving less money for doing the same amount of work as a man.  Women are frequently objectified in the media in ridiculous and demeaning ways that men are not.  If men are similarly objectified as women are, then it becomes humorous. Most women I know have an instinctual fear or cautious nature when they are walking alone at night.  I believe most men have that same cautious instinct, but I also believe that men aren't primarily concerned with being molested or raped on their walk home.

This treatment does not seem equal to me.  Feminism is the idea that everyone is treated equally, regardless of gender. It baffles me that this seemingly obvious definition is still receiving such negative connotations after all these years.

Naturally we fear what we don't know.  Over the years I've heard scared groups of people or individual persons label feminists as something less than: Butch Lesbians, Dykes, Feminazis, the list goes on and on.  I've become used to this. Anyone desperate enough to resort to name calling is just a confirmation that we are doing something right.  However, those fears and slurs have usually been voiced by a group of guys.  What's truly frightening is now I'm hearing these words come from the mouths of GIRLS.

Teenage girls and young women in their twenties are denouncing feminism and declaring that they don't need it because they "are not a victim".  OK, I get it. These children believe they don't need feminism because to them, the problem is solved. To some extent, it is slightly true.  I do not need a man to rent or own property.  I can vote. I can wear pants. That's all great, but don't you want more? Wouldn't it be nice to have your commercials, TV shows, plays, magazines, books, billboards, radio, press, retail stores, and movies NOT dictating how you should look and how you have no value if you aren't physically appealing to the opposite sex? Wouldn't it be wonderful to have the freedom to have a say in your body and have your own personal choice in contraception without your employers involved?  The idea that feminists are crying out for justice because they are just whiny and haven't taken control of their lives is horrifying to me.  If we rest on our laurels and declare that we are done because have come so far, we will slip right back to where we are.  We are already starting to and I for one, refuse to slide back.

It is my personal belief that we do not have to punish or lower another group down to raise us up. That to me is not true equality.  There are injustices that men suffer as well: they must hide emotions that are not related to anger or dominance, they too have clothing restrictions and impossible body standards, they can't have eating disorders or be considered rape victims if their attacker is a woman, etc. Feminism supports male equality too. I will not change the name or try to excuse myself when I say I'm a Feminist.  It's not morphing into a different goal or entity.  I stand by it and I am proud of it.  I have no problems explaining what it means and if you have a person in your life that listens to misinformed pop stars trying to explain feminism, steer them my way.  I will be happy to speak.  Because I have a right to speak today, due to all the incredibly hard work that past Feminists have done for me.

Babies vs.Toddlers or Permanent Suicide Watch

  One of the many questions I get asked when I reveal my profession is "So, which do you prefer, babies or older kids?"

I could be lying. It's entirely possible that no one has asked me that question, and I just need a way to start this blog. But it feels like this has been asked of me before.

In my first few years as a nanny I would have said older kids all the way. This is because my experience with babies was limited to a few terrifying moments when an aunt would see me appropriately enchanted by their newborn and breathlessly ask, "Do you wanna hold him/her?" And I would nod numbly like a person agreeing to buy Girl Scout cookies: You really don't want to, but you'd feel like a complete ass if you say no. Honestly, no I do not want to hold your baby. Unlike a box of Girl Scout cookies, it's really hard to buy another if I drop it. And I would be firmly convinced that somehow, in the time it takes to transfer your miraculous bundle of love into my arms, the Crisco fairy would hop along and just coat my limbs with the stuff and BAM!  Shame and dishonor on my whole family, soul, and life. Have I actually ever dropped a baby? Well, no, but fear is more tangible than reality. As time passed I became more comfortable with infants. I started to really like working with them. Yes, you have to change diapers and you must be prepared to wear their lunch. If they are teething then God have mercy on your soul, but nothing will make you feel more accomplished faster than successfully changing that diaper, getting at least one spoonful of winter squash in their mouth, and running like hell out the door when your shift is over (because I'm sorry, nothing compares to the horror that is teething). Toddlers are more independent and often potty trained, but there is something about the wonder of watching a baby recognize your face.

Be it a toddler or a baby, we can all agree on one thing.  They are driven on finding new and innovative ways to kill themselves. Hmm, what's this, a teeny tiny lego?  I'm pretty sure I can choke on it, let's find out, he seems to say.  Well, I'll be.  An electrical socket.  That's the perfect size for my fingers, she appears to ponder. I'm glad they feel safe and secure in their environment that they want to explore, but could they not explore what a plastic bag over their head? I feel like I should set up a crisis hotline with some of their toy cell phones. "Mr. Jonah, please don't hang up. Stay with me, I need to know why your life is not worth living after you spotted Mr. Potato Head in pieces".
Perhaps one day we can figure out what goes on in their minds, but until then, I'm just going to eat a box of Girl Scout cookies to relieve my anxiety.  

I shall stay until the wind changes

As an On Call Nanny, I am responsible for showing up when your plan A for child care has failed.  It is perfectly normal for me not to have any clue what my work schedule is like for the week, but I always get forty hours, and sometimes more.  What happens is I'll get a text from my agency, saying they have a case for me for a) tomorrow b) for the next two weeks with the same family c) in three hours or d) all of the above.  I'll confirm via text, and then receive an email telling me where the family lives, parents' numbers, how many kids and their ages.  I'll call the family to confirm the appointment, and then go from there.

All of the families work for Microsoft.  Welcome to Seattle!  Sometimes it's Google, occasionally I get a Verizon, but rest assured, it's going to be Microsoft.  I will later learn that if you work a certain amount of hours at Microsoft, they in turn give their employees a certain amount of hours per month to hook them up with nannies from our well established agency.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you've heard correctly:  I am a perk.

Sometimes I'm needed because the regular nanny is on vacation.  Other times it's the child's break from school and the parents still need to go to work.  Most often it's because the parents, whom usually work at home, have to go to the office for a conference or meeting. Whatever the reason, I am here to be the substitute Mary Poppins.  In the space of five minutes, I have to learn the daily routine, where the silverware is kept (WHY is it kept there?  That makes no sense to the flow of the kitchen!) what they like at nap time, and what their favorite toy is.

Personally, this is right up my alley.  I love new things and meeting people, so the spontaneity of the job is perfect.  Each day is like a box of chocolates:  I never know what I'm going to get:  a playful two year old who will spend hours on his train set?  I'm there. European babies who's books are all in Hebrew?  Awesome.  A 7 year old girl who will paint fairies and ask me if I am married?  Why not?  I love kids, and getting to play with them all day, while keeping them healthy and happy, almost sounds too lovely to be true.  AND I get health benefits and paid vacations?

The downside is this:  You have to leave them.  For the one dayers, this isn't so bad.  It's like a great first date:  You go, you have a great time, and you leave, not sure if you'll get that call back, but still happy you went and had the experience.  When you're contracted to be with them for a week, two weeks, a month, two months, that's when it gets really hard.  You get to know them.  You can recognize when they're getting sleepy, they start to recognize you when you come back the next day, they look sad when you leave, they fall asleep in your arms.  Just now I've finished working with a toddler for about a week.  When I left, she threw her whole body into mine for a hug and gave me a bunch of little kisses on my cheek.  And who knows if I'll ever see her again?  You have to give enough time to mourn, and then move on.  Take what you can and leave the rest.  And when you're flying away on your sweet ass umbrella, don't look back.

The Nanny Chronicles

When I was twelve years old, my friend Britney and I were obsessed with "The Babysitters Club". It was the kind of obsession where you had a row and a half of your bookcase dedicated to the series but would never, ever bring a single copy to school or breathe one breath of this in the hallways. We were forever following this impossible dream of achieving popularity and somehow, discussing what Kristy and Mary Anne were up to didn't seem like the way to do it.

Yet we still sought to create our own babysitters club. We printed fliers and passed them around town, with all the enthusiasm of the five year olds on the corner with their very own lemonade stand. Like the five year olds, our only customers were our parents and our parent's friends. Yet I still kept a torch burning that one day, I would work with a flawless agency, caring for children and being really good at it.

Fifteen years, two theater degrees and a recession later, I find myself doing just that. My life has taken me to some extraordinary places: Scuba diving with sharks in Hawaii, befriending French tourists in hooka bars in New York, and now I am a professional On-Call Nanny for the greater Puget Sound area. I shall explain what exactly that means in the upcoming chapters, but for now know that for the last three months I have worked with well over a hundred families. I know how to get babies to sleep, how to negotiate with two year olds, and especially how to nanny parents. I evolve from a perfect stranger to family member in an eight hour shift. I've sat for different cultures, creeds and classes, from the rich to the very rich, and everything in between. I've been to Bothell, Kirkland, Snoqualmie, Seattle, and that was just my first week. I'll take you through it all, tips and tricks, secrets and more, and hope that you enjoy the ride as much as I do. Welcome to my world. Hit it!

Undead Anonymous Scene IV Part 2

Senator

Hey, no cross talk. I’m Senator and I’m an addict.

All

Hi Senator.

Senator

Well well. I think—

(A huge bang is heard from the other side of the door)

Chris

Shit. Where’s the axe?

Rita

I thought you said they were moving on, Senator!

Senator

They are!

(Door bangs again)

Aaron’s Voice

Help! Someone help me out here!

Ron

Oh my God.

Danny
Aaron?!

Chris

Quick, get the door!

Senator

No! Listen! There are others out there!

Cody

Well, uh, yeah, that’s probably why he wants in.

Senator

If you let him in the others will know we’re here!

True

So, you want us to leave him!

Senator

He shouldn’t have run off. He made that decision.

Danny

And I’m making this one.

(Danny moves the desk and begins to open the door)

Senator

No!

(Danny opens the door. Aaron comes charging in, holding an unconscious girl. Danny helps him. Rita runs to shut the door, but as she does, a slimy hand darts out and grabs her shirt. Rita screams and tries to pull away, but the hand starts to drag her out the door. Senator backs slowly away in fear. Chris runs forward with the axe and chops the undead arm off, just as True shuts the door. Ron and Cody hurry to barricade the door as Senator watches)

Aaron

Fuck fuck fuck fuck!

Chris

(To Rita)

You alright?

Rita

Yeah. God that was close.

Chris

Let me see.

(Inspects Rita)

Chris

Looks like your shirt took most of it. I don’t see a scratch anywhere.

Rita

Seriously Chris, if you hadn’t been there…

Chris

Hey, it’s okay.

(She jumps in his arms. He looks a little startled)

Aaron

Motherfuckers! Those fucking motherfuckers! Fuck!

Cody

What the hell, Aaron? Who is this? What were you thinking?

Aaron

Don’t fucking touch her! I got her, okay? Just back the fuck up!

Senator

Okay, guys, Aaron’s right. Let’s give our guest a little breathing room here.

Cody

Seriously? You almost got us killed, TWICE, just so you could get some apocalyptic pussy?

Aaron

I swear to fucking god, Cody, you keep flapping your fucking mouth…

Danny

Easy Cody. You know how Aaron gets.

Cody

Yeah, suicidal. I know.

Senator

So, Aaron, are you going to remember your manners and introduce us to your, um, lady friend?

Aaron

Just don’t touch her. Everyone, this is Jodi. Jodi, this is everyone.

(Jodi’s still unconscious. Aaron picks up her hand and gives it a little wave)

Aaron

She’s not doing so well. Do we still have water?

True

Right here. Set her down Aaron. She’ll be fine.

(Aaron reluctantly sets her down. True brushes Jodi’s hair way and gives her a little water. Jodi chokes on it and wakes up gasping)

Aaron

Fucking ay.

True

Jodi? Can you hear me?

Jodi

Aaron…it’s me…

Aaron

Hey baby. I’m right here.

Jodi

Guess you’re already at the meeting….

Aaron

What? You’re here too babe.

Jodi

So glad you’re going back…anyway, I’m parked outside, I’ll see you when you’re done…love you…

Aaron

Jodi?

(Jodi passes out)

Danny

She’s delirious. She’s probably had less to eat than us and no water…

Cody

That was her car you saw…

Aaron

She didn’t get bit, I fucking swear. I popped the fucker trying to get in, but then three just came outta nowhere, I had no time to run or fight or anything. She unlocked the door and we’ve been hiding out ever since.

True

How did you get past them?

Aaron

I cut myself and bled on this jacket of Jodi’s. Threw it out the window, hoping they’d go for the smell of fresh blood. Sure enough, fuckers ran toward it like a fag at a Celine Dion concert. I grabbed her and just ran as fast I as fucking could.

Senator

You’re lucky you weren’t killed.

True

We should get her something to eat. Ron, go get a bottle of water and some Ramen.

Ron

On it.

Senator

She’s going to affect our food supply.

Danny

We’ve still got enough for three weeks. She needs to get her strength back.

True

Not too much at once, her stomach won’t be able to take it. Jodi? You there Jodi?

Jodi

…I’m parked outside…see you…done…

True

Come on, Jodi, wake up.

Jodi

Aaron.

Aaron

I’m right here, Jodi baby. Come on. Come back to me.

(Ron comes back with a bowl of Ramen and some more water)

Ron

Here, let’s bring her over here and set this up…

(Aaron picks her up. Danny, True, Senator, Ron and Cody follow to a corner of the room. Aaron lays Jodi down on a table)

Rita

Crazy, isn’t it?

Chris

Yeah. I didn’t even know someone was actually friends with Aaron, let alone dating him.

Rita

Did you ever see her before?

Chris

Well yeah, but I always thought she was his cousin or something.

Rita

Well, addicts need love too, right?

Chris

I guess. But it’s not real, you realize that right? We can’t love. It’s always lust. The way we crave people, want them, desire them, need them, it’s all tied to our addictions. We’re just jumping from one fix to another. It’s like what Danny always talks about, the dangers of cross addiction. You need to stay abstinent from all kind of mood altering substances or you’ll just get sucked in again.

(Chris stares off into the distance. Rita is staring at Chris)

Rita

Uh huh. It must be hard for you to see Aaron reunited with his girlfriend. Do you think yours is still out there?

Chris

I don’t have a girlfriend.

Rita

Oh, that’s a shame.

(Cody approaches Chris and Rita. Looks at them suspiciously)

Cody

Hey Rita, Jodi’s coming around. I think she could use some like, female presence.

Rita

True’s with her.

Cody

Like I said, she could use a female presence.

Rita

Fine. (turns to Chris) Hey, would you mind if I joined you tomorrow for those meditation thingies you do? I could use some relaxation.

Chris

Sure. I like to be in the nursery around 5:00.

Rita

In the morning?

Chris

That’s when you get the best light.

Rita

Okay, sounds great. It’s a date.

Chris

Uh…

Rita

See you then.

(Rita tries to turn and walk away sexy. Doesn’t really work)

(end scene)

Undead Anonymous Scene IV

(Lights rise, we see Cody standing in front of Rita, pantomiming a great fight)

Cody

So like, I’m cornered right? And these are big ones, they must have been truckers or bouncers or maybe even like, wrestling champs, you know? And there’s like, five of them? All coming at me? And I’m backing up slowly, ‘cause I don’t want to make any sudden movements, that’s just inviting them to take a chunk out of ya…so there I am, crawling slowly, I can see the drool just dripping off this old guy, and man was he ugly. Half of his face was scratched off, his hair was matted with blood, flies crawling out of his nose, I wanted to puke. But I kept my cool and thought, okay, what would Bruce Willis do? He’d be resourceful. I look around and realize I’m in the produce section. Rotting watermelons, melted ice everywhere, and out of the corner of my eye I see one of those fruit scales. I twist around, shoot my arm out, and grab it. The Old Dead Guy makes a lunge at me, and SWOOP! I nailed him in the head, and he goes flying, brain goop spraying everywhere. The rest run right toward me, but I kept my cool. I kick the first one in the head, he goes down in front of me, I jump on his back and launch myself into the air, and use both sides of the scale to cream two and three. I’m still flying, and I realize I’m heading right towards the last one, and his long nails are reaching for me. So I pull the scale closer to me, and use it like a pole vault and stick the end right between the fucker’s eyes, and vault right over him. You know, no big deal. It was fun.

Rita

How did you get the bruise on your knee?

Cody

Well, normally when you go pole vaulting, you let go of the pole, but when you’re fighting freaking zombies, you gotta keep your weapon handy at all times. So I was like, still holding onto it when I landed, and it got in my way and I kinda fell on it.

Rita

Whoa, so you like, fought off five zombies to get us food.

Cody

Well, Danny helped a little. He grabbed everything while I was killing ‘em.

(True comes over and sits down next to Rita)

True

I thought you said you didn’t even fight them.

Cody

Well, I was trying to be humble.

(Danny walks by)

Danny

Secrets and silence kill, Cody.

Rita

What is he talking about?

Cody

I dunno.

True

You didn’t actually fight five zombies, did you?

Danny

That’s not entirely true.

Cody

Okay, on the way back, I thought I saw one, but it turned out to be a mirror. Which is now totally dead, thanks to me. I kicked its ass.

(Ron enters)

Ron

Okay. I think I got everything organized back there. From what Danny and Cody brought back, we’ll be able to make oatmeal out of the coffee maker in the morning, and everyone gets two protein bars and a roll of Ritz crackers for lunch, and two bowls of Top Ramen at night. If we stick to the schedule, we can hold out for three weeks.

Chris

Good work you guys.

True

I used to think if I ever saw another Top Ramen package again after college, it’d be too soon. Now I almost cried with relief when I pulled them out of the shopping bags.

Senator

Well, I think this calls for a celebratory meeting. What do you say, gang?

Rita

Actually Senator, if you don’t mind, I’d kinda like Chris to do it. He was so awesome yesterday…

True

He got us all to sit down and actually laugh.

Senator

Ron?

Ron

Well…you know I love you man…but it might be good to switch things up a little, don’t you think?

Senator

Yeah, yeah, sure you can start us off today Chris.

Chris

Wow. Thanks guys.

(They all sit in a circle)

Chris

Okay. Welcome to Undead Anonymous. My name is Chris and I am an addict.

All

Hey Chris.

Chris

This a closed meeting, only members with a pulse are allowed to attend. If you have any drugs or paraphernalia on your person, or have developed the insatiable need for human flesh, we ask that you please leave the meeting as this is damaging for recovering addicts in this meeting. Now may we pause for a moment of silence for the still suffering addict as well as our lost friend, Aaron, followed by the serenity prayer.

(silence)

Chris

God.

All

God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Chris

At this time I’d like to welcome back Danny and Cody from their grocery excursion from Hell.

(All applaud and cheer)

Chris

Is there anyone with an NA birthday or celebrating proud time today?

(Rita nudges Cody)

Cody

What?

Rita

Um hello, don’t you remember tard, you got 30 days yesterday.

Cody

Oh! Yeah! Uh, hey I’m Cody, I’m an addict, and I have 31 days today.

(Everyone applauds loudly. Chris gets up and hands Cody a keychain, and they hug)

Chris

Anyone else?

(silence)

Chris

Okay, in lieu of True’s last share, I made some adjustments to the literature, I have asked someone to read Who is an Addict?

True

Yeah, I’m True and I’m an addict.

All

Hi True.

True

Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another—whether it be pills, powder, or the soft brain tissue of a living person. We lived to use and they used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs and/or a freak virus. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, death and undeath.

All

Thanks True.

Chris

And I’ve asked someone to read Why Are We Here?

Ron

Yo, I’m Ron and I am an addict.

All

Hi Ron.

Ron

Before coming to the Fellowship of UA, we could not manage the fall of humanity. We could not live and enjoy life as the other zombies do. We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in still breathing. We placed this ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, husbands, and our children. We had to have a pulse at all costs. We seemed to be incapable of facing the afterlife on its own terms. Many of us ended up bitten or sought help through the police, religion, and ammunition. None of these methods was sufficient for us. The diseased always resurfaced or continued to progress until in desperation we sought help from each other in Undead Anonymous. After coming to UA, we realized we were sick people. We suffered from a disease from which there is no known cure. It can, however, be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

All

Thanks Ron.

Chris

As you can see, our message is not easy, but it is simple. The steps will work for you if you work them. Only through the help of our sponsor, our group, and our Higher Power can we finally live life on the afterlife’s terms. Through our disease we learned that one human brain is one too many and a thousand never enough. I would now like to pass the meeting over to Danny, who has graciously agreed to chair.

All

Thanks Chris.

Danny

Hello everyone, I’m an addict named Danny.

All

Hi Danny.

Danny

I’m really struggling today. I always preach how we should always choose honesty every time, and I’m such a hypocrite. I’ve been lying to myself ever since we got back. I feel like someone should take away my clean time, confiscate all my chips and key chains and just throw me outside right now. So I’m just going to admit the exact nature of my wrongs, and hope that I don’t get what I deserve: We were coming back from Safeway, it was pitch black outside and we were doing pretty good, keeping low to the ground and cutting through backyards. When we reached the church parking lot, Aaron just freaked out. I don’t know if he couldn’t take the pressure or what, but the next thing I knew he dropped his bags and just started sprinting toward this car. One of the undead was trying to break into it, probably to snack on a dog inside or something, and Aaron was screaming and looked like he was going to rip its head off. Suddenly three others just appeared out of the parking lot. I know nothing I do now is random. I am not responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery. I’m the one making choices now. Cody was hurt, we had the food, but Aaron wasn’t too far away. I chose to save myself. I chose to take my selfishness to a whole new level and save myself rather than help someone else. My nature is cowardly and greedy, and I’m wrong. That’s all I got.

All

Thanks Danny.

Chris

You weren’t wrong.

Undead Anonymous Scene III

(Nursery. Danny sits, idly playing with some blocks, bored. The door opens and a package of Saltines drop in his lap. Danny is surprised for a few seconds, then tears into the crackers like they’re the last crackers on earth. Senator enters)

Senator:I’m a reasonable guy, Danny. And I do feel bad about keeping you and Cody quarantined from the rest of us. But you just can’t be too careful.

Danny: (mouth full) I udderstan.

Senator: It’s just this is the only room with locks on the outside, and you’re the biggest threat if you were to…ah…turn over. Cody’s about a buck ten soaking wet, and easier to control.

(pause as Danny finishes his meal)

Danny: Thanks for the crackers.

Senator: You’re welcome. Did they taste okay?

Danny: Yeah, they were fine.

Senator: Wouldn’t want something a little more…substantial?

Danny: Well, I could definitely go for a steak right about now.

Senator: A steak? Really? Huh…well, well…and if we could go back to before, when Hell was just below the earth, when there were nice restaurants and attractive hostesses and cloth napkins, and you sat across the table from your beautiful woman companion…or male, I don’t judge..

Danny: Thanks.

Senator: And a stuffy waiter comes over to you and takes your order. You order a nice salmon for your date and a New York Strip Steak for yourself.

Danny: (sighs longingly)

Senator: And when that waiter asks you how do you prefer it, you say…

Danny: With mashed potatoes and plenty of butter…man do I miss butter.

Senator: Actually, I was thinking how you prefer your steak….like do you want it barely cooked, red and raw on the inside, bleeding all over your plate…?

Danny (gives him a significant look) Actually I prefer my meat well done.

Senator: Ah. Well. You never know, things can change…

Danny: I’m pretty set in my ways.

Senator: Sure, Danny. Of course.

Danny: How’s Cody doing?

Senator: Seems to be well. No mood swings, or sudden bursts of anger. Temperature’s normal, no sudden fever or night sweats. Body’s loose and limber, no swollen joints or stiff muscles. Seems like he might make it.

Danny: And his steak preference?

Senator: I didn’t ask.

Danny: Ah.

(tense pause)

Danny: Seems like you know a lot about the living dead there, Senator.

Senator: Oh well, you know…just trying to survive. I mean, sure, I’ve picked up a thing or two from watching ‘em, but I’d hardly call myself an expert…

Danny: No, it’s pretty impressive. You must have seen first-hand how it happens. And you managed to live after watching it. That’s damn near impossible.

Senator: Oh, well…we didn’t get here because we’re weak.

Danny: Damn straight. So you must have been pretty close by to see the conversion and how it works…like during the last moments, their eyes get a milky film for the final hours, then turn yellow, and then finally bloodred.

Senator: Of course.

Danny: And how our previous conceptions were totally wrong, that there’s no initial craving for human flesh…or period of fever or stiffening of the body…

Senator: Um, right…

Danny: And I’m sure you had the chance to observe the length of time it takes to fully convert. I mean, any moron with a copy of 28 Days Later can call themselves an expert, but do they know that it takes at least two, two and half weeks before the transformation takes over? How there’s almost no warning before the victim snaps? How most of them still look human?

Senator: Well excuse me Danny, for following basic zombie principles, however outdated they may be. It’s a shame that we’re all not as brilliant as you. And who did you see die?

Danny: My wife.

(Long pause)

Danny: Cody’s fine, Senator. Why don’t you let him out already?

Senator: He’s been out for an hour now. Why don’t you join us?

(end scene)