For those of you who don't know, the Irene Ryan competition is a chance for aspiring college actors to receive scholarship money and other benefits of glory. The competitors must perform a six minute showcase of their work, including two scenes with a partner and a closing monologue. If you would like to read some scenes of mine that have made to the final round, here they are, as well as a scene that never aired but would have KILLED had they made it to the next round.
Kevin and Karen (Romantic Discharge)
A Scene by Rose Russo
Characters
Karen, a patient
Kevin, a doctor
(Director’s Note: As the play continues, Karen gradually itches less, as if her confessions are healing her. Just a thought)
Setting
Doctor’s office. Karen is sitting on the table, wearing a paper gown and feeling like a slab of meat. She squirms a bit on the table, and we soon discover that she is trying to scratch herself on the table. Finally she can’t take it anymore and gives in to the itching. Just as she is in mid scratch of a certain anatomical part, Kevin knocks and, without waiting for an answer, enters. He is looking at clipboard.
Kevin
Okay, so we have symptoms of redness, itching, and some thick discharge---Karen.
Karen
Kevin.
(The Mother of All Awkward Pauses)
Kevin
Well, isn’t this-
Karen
How ‘bout that-
Kevin
-Interesting
Karen
-Huh.
Karen
(burst of energy) SO…how have you been? It’s been what—
Kevin
Two, almost three—
Karen
--A while
Kevin
I’m doing great. I thought you moved to Idaho?
Karen
I'm seeing mom this weekend. Idaho's fantastic. Really, really good. Kinda smells like cows.
Kevin
Ah. Yeah, well, that’ll happen…
Karen
So…you’re working at Harborview now? When did that happen?
Kevin
Oh…About a year ago, next Tuesday. The commute is a lot easier than Highline Med.
Karen
Ah. Well. Congratulations. That’s great.
Kevin
It is. It really is. Great.
Karen
Great.
Kevin
Well. I’m glad to hear that things are going well for you.
Karen
They are. They really are. Well, you know, except for… (gestures towards vagina)
Kevin
Oh right, yes. (Insincere laughter) Ha ha ha. Yes.
Karen
Ha ha ha. Yep.
(Extremely awkward laughter. They both sigh out a last laugh. A Head Bobbing Pause)
Karen
Yeah. So. I wasn’t feeling well a few weeks ago. No. Wait. Not (gestures towards vagina) this bad, I actually felt really sick. Like up here. So I went in to a walk in clinic, in Idaho, land of smelly cows…but I didn’t have any ex-boyfriends working there, so I guess they aren’t all that good, ha ha ha…they said that I had strep throat, take these pills, blah blah blah. After a few days I felt better, but I started experiencing some…side effects? You know, uh, itching, burning, some redness, I felt really tight… (Stops, looks at Kevin) Well, you know what it’s like, you’ve been down there. (Pause) I mean, no that didn’t come out right, I meant that you’re familiar with that area, not just mine, heck you’ve probably seen a million vaginas, right? It’s like one of those old McDonald’s ads: Now serving over a million and counting. Burgers. Not vaginas. So anyway, I thought I’d better go check it out, and uh…yeah. That’s what happened, and now I’m here.
Kevin
I see.
Karen
Uh huh.
Kevin
Okay great.
Karen
Great.
Kevin
Gr--Good. Well, let’s get started…
(Kevin sits down with clipboard. Karen crosses her legs, trying to look dignified in a paper gown)
(scene)
A Conversation About Chris…by Rose Russo
(Greg and Chris, are sitting in Greg’s place, staring at Trey’s phone)
Greg: When you do think it’s going to…
Trey: Well, you can’t rush this kind of thing. You know what they say, a watched clock never boils…or a pot never ticks if you keep staring at it.
Greg: Yeah. That sounds about right.
Trey: Yeah.
Greg: Yeah.
Trey: Yeah.
Greg: So…how’s Chris?
Trey: How’s…why. Chris? Why why would you ask that?
Greg: I dunno…idle chit chat, make the time go by until it finally…
Trey: Idle chit chat? You call that “idle chit chat”?
Greg: Yeah, sure, it’s like asking hey, how’s your job going, or…what’s your couch up to…or…
Trey: Then ask those questions! God, you might as well as me if…
Greg:…Small talk.
Trey: …If…if like, my brain tumor’s doing well.
Greg: You have a tumor?
Trey: It’s metaphorical.
Greg: God, is that stage four?
Trey: It’s a literary term!
Greg: Oh. Ohhhhhh.
Trey: Shit head.
Greg: This thing is never going to--
Trey: If you keep talking about it, yeah. It won’t.
Greg: Well, that’s why I brought up Chris. It’s a pretty good conversation!
Trey: What happened to asking about my couch and job and all that other stuff?
Greg: Okay. How’s the job going?
Trey: … ’s fine
Greg: Okay. What‘s your couch up to.
Trey: Not a whole lot.
Greg: Ah.
Trey: Put a new little…like blanket thing over the back of it.
Greg: Looks good.
Trey: Yeah. Not bad.
Greg: Yeah.
(pause)
Trey: (giving in) Yeah, okay. Fine.
Greg: So how’s Chris?
Trey: Like a brain tumor.
Greg: Ah.
Trey: I don’t what’s going on.
Greg: Well, didn’t you say you guys were texting a lot lately? That’s a good sign.
Trey: It’s chicken shit means of conversation. Commitment phobes love texting.
Greg: It’s a start.
Trey: It’s filled with speculation. “It was gr8t to see you” Everything but the great is spelled correctly. Did she put the number 8 instead of “ea” because she’s telling me it wasn’t great to see me, or it is sheer lazyness? And if so, do I want to relentlessly pursue someone who doesn’t want to take the time to fully spell a five letter word for me? Or…on the other hand, was it unbridled eagerness? Maybe Chris wanted me to get the message as quickly as possible so I would know what it was truly great to see me…or not?
Greg: See? This is good conversation!
Trey: I hate my life.
Greg: Okay….maybe the 8 for the “ea” substitution was put there so it looks like she’s being casual, but she really was excited and happy to see you, but doesn’t want to appear too eager. The big question is…did she leave any punctuation?
Trey: What does that have to do with anything?
Greg: Well, think about it. There’s a huge difference between a period and an exclamation point. If it’s a period than she’s just being cordial. It’s like she’s saying I’m putting a period on this relationship….or she’s saying “I don’t like you. Period” right? But if its’ an exclamation, then she’s gotta be honest. You don’t just put an exclamation down for no reason. You gotta find the function on the “symbols” screen, you gotta move the exclamation so it’s right next to your last word. That’s like saying she wants at least a two month commitment right there.
Trey: Where’s my phone?
Greg: I’m telling ya, it’s all in the punctuation.
Trey: Damn it, where’s my phone?
(Trey finds his phone and turns it on. Both guys look at the screen and wait for the phone to start. The phone plays a cute little jingle. Both guys bob their heads to the music)
Greg: Okay, go check.
Trey: Alright, I don’t remember if there was a period or exclamation.
Greg: So check.
Trey: What if she didn’t leave any punctuation? What does that mean?
Greg: Just check.
Trey: Oh god, if there’s no punctuation, I’m going to kill myself
Greg: Would you just fucking check?
Trey: Okay…here goes…messages…inbox…oh wait someone’s calling me.
Trey: It’s Chris.
Greg: Trey!
Trey: Shit!
Greg: Answer it!
Trey: SHIT!
Greg: What?
Trey: I’m not ready for voice on voice contact! It’s only been three days!
Greg: She’s going to hang up!
Trey: I didn’t check to see if she left punctuation!
Greg: Screw punctuation! It doesn’t matter anymore! Forget the fossils! The dinosaur is actually calling!
Trey: I can’t!
Greg: Well then I’ll do it. Give me the phone.
Greg: Dammit Trey! Give me the phone!
Trey: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(Greg snatches the phone. Trey snatches it back. They struggle. The phone flies out of their hands. They look at the phone. It’s stopped ringing. Trey picks it up)
Trey: She hung up.
Greg: You think she’ll leave a message?
Trey: It’s not looking like it.
Greg: Well, it’ll pop up soon.
Trey: Maybe she’s leaving a long message.
Greg: It should be popping up soon.
Trey: She’s pouring her soul out to me right now. I have her soul in my phone. I know it.
Greg: Nothing’s happening.
Trey: It will.
Greg: When you do think it’s going to…
Trey: Well, you can’t rush this kind of thing. You know what they say, a watched clock never boils…or a pot never ticks if you keep staring…
Greg: Yeah. That sounds about right.
Trey: Yeah.
Greg: Yeah.
Trey: Yeah.
(scene)Never Before Seen Scene!
Spokes in the Wheel of Love, by Rose Russo
Scarlet
Hi Jeff.
Jeff
Scarlett? What are you--
Scarlet
Nu-uh! No! Don’t say that.
Jeff
Don’t say what?
Scarlett
Just…don’t speak right now.
Jeff
Okay…
(awkward pause)
Scarlett
So…how’s it going? Are ya busy?
Jeff
It’s five o’clock in the morning.
Scarlett
Ah, so, you’re not really doing anything right now.
Jeff
It’s five o’clock in the morning.
Scarlett
Well I just figured you’d be just “swamped” or things would be “really crazy right now”, or whatever excuse you men like to use.
Jeff
What are you talking about? Do you have a gun?
Scarlet
Why aren’t you outside my house right now?
Jeff
What?
Scarlet
Is that all you can say? “What?” “What?”
Jeff
Well…wait what? Yes. What?
Scarlett
I’ve been reading this book, “Spokes in the Wheel of Love”….
Jeff
Okay, Scarlett….What are you doing here—
Scarlet
NO! You don't get to say my lines!
Jeff
Your line?
Scarlet
I’m supposed to say that to you. “Where have you been Jeff? It’s been so long” and your line is “I know, I was an asshole, I’ve made a huge mistake, I should have called you, I don’t know what I was thinking”.
Jeff
I’m supposed to say I’m an asshole?
Scarlett
It’s all in chapter two, “The Bike Trail to Commitment”. You’re afraid of a successful relationship. I mean, we had a great second date. I met your friends, they clearly approved, I wore my casual yet dressy outfit, we had some drinks, we kissed outside the bar, and you said you’d call. We were on the right track! Everything was moving along just swimmingly! But you had to throw a monkey wrench in the spokes of love, didn’t you there Jeffy? You had to not call the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Protocol is very clear Jeff. After a successful second date the time gap between calling is supposed to decrease. Decrease, Jeff, not increase.
Jeff
It’s only been--
Scarlett
It’s been two weeks Jeff. Two weeks. In Chapter Three “Rocks, Small Animals, and other Obstacles in The Bike Trail to Commitment”, if
(and here she whips out a highly over-read and abused chapter book),
Scarlett
wait, ah, “if he doesn’t call back after a week, then the next step is a bold declaration of his feelings, usually an unannounced arrival at your doorstep”. Do you know how many times I’ve been available in the past week? A lot. Sometimes I come home multiple times a day. If I come home at least twice a day for the past two weeks…and there’s seven days a week… I can’t do math, so we’ll just say I’ve come home more than ten times in the last two weeks Jeff. And you haven’t been there. Once. Not once! In all of those ten times you haven’t been there once. That is not good math. Why aren’t you outside my house right now? Why don’t you miss me? Aren’t you in pain?
Jeff
I’m definitely experiencing some pain right now.
Scarlet
Well then it’s your turn! Get going. Stand outside my door! Just remove the monkey wrench from spokes of love, avoid the road kill of uncertainty, and keep pushing on the pedals of true feelings down the trail of commitment!
The phone one is just awesome. Great reactions from the crowd when done right.
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