Don't Drink and Climb

Hello! I have today a woman and a man's role. You can adjust their ages, but don't try it if you are 10. It will not compute. THANKS!!! FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED!


Don't Drink and Climb by "Rose Russo" (pen name)

(Louise stands up and knocks on a door to a hotel. It opens. She looks surprised, almost like she forgot why she came. Then she remembers and puts on her high heels)


Good afternoon Mr. Chelsea*,

I do hope you are well. I am here to enquire about your whereabouts for this coming evening. As you all know, summer time is upon us and hormones are a 'flourishing. Soon bridesmaids everywhere will be making tons of mistakes. My best friend from grammar school, Chelsie* actually, is tying the knot in about...90 minutes. Well, she's just doing pictures, but we can start without you.
No. Wait. Let me start again.
I'm 38 Mr. Chelsea*. I know we just met at the "Wine Tasting and Mountain Climbing" Workshop in the REI Mall, but I felt a connection. Plus you said you were just visiting Seattle for the weekend and had no major plans. I can offer you either the surf n' turf combo, or the teriyaki chicken for dinner tonight? I know it's a little trite to say this, but I do believe I am the only single woman in the greater Puget Sound area. Good looking men flee from me. Disgusting ones gravitate toward me. I think I must have a terrible odor, but I can't tell. I might be immune.
What I guess I'm trying to say is, if you can't be my date to this wedding, I understand, but you could at least smell my hair before you go?


The 40 Year Old Version.


(Lights up. Thin, attractive man in his early 40's. He is in a extremely organized office. Bob Dylan plays in the background. He is tense. He looks at his phone. He picks it up)

+
Brody

Please. Please just work with me. You're most excellent at putting me through to Jim when I'm about to run for the bathroom. You've never failed at getting Marcia on the line (visibly shudders at her name). I know you have the technology. The Power. You got the finest electricity this side of Tacoma for an hour straight. Do you not like her? Were you not impressed by her "accidental" brush against my leg at lunch? I'll put you in the appropriate pocket next time, I swear. Her touch is quite lovely. It's also few and far between, and I'll have none of this refusal to put her through! I know she's trying to call me now, dammnit, and you could be ruining everything because you're too proud to realize that it's ME she wants, not YOU. SHE already HAS a cell phone. It's pink and I'm sure it never looses reception due to where she's standing. Or sitting. Or standing. I mean, what is this?!

(He stands)

Half a bar.

(He sits)

Quarter bar.

(He stands)

And now no bars!

(He tries to sit and stand at the same time, resulting in a little dance)

Is this what you want? A final exhibition of a man's failure is a POLKA?! I was already behind the times, when I was young we would ask the girls in school if they'd like to, what was the exact phrase....ah yes. "Go with me". Her answer felt like a rock punched through my left lung.

To be rejected is considered success, even for a moment, however brief. To be ignored, not to be considered...it's like a thousand little rocks in my lungs.

(He collaspses on the desk)

(The phone rings)

THE END


BOTH BY "ROSE RUSSO" YES, IT'S MY PEN NAME. Me gusto!