Ask the Playwright: Submission One

Dear Rose,

First time writer, long time reader. Is it possible for you to post different monologues for all the aspiring actors out there?

Sincerely,
Someone Not Named Rose


Dear "Someone",

I'd be happy to! Below are a few one minute comedic monologues for a woman or man. If you have any requests, I am happy to take them! Writers don't make much, so we've learned to feed off of compliments. Enjoy:




"Hank & Kim"

(Hank: I used to work for the IRS. I think I've met more miserable people than you)

Kim:
I used to live with this man once. It was like he was created to be a fun Nazi. He has diabetes, so he can’t eat sugar or have a piece of chocolate. Not even dark chocolate. He is a Jehovah’s witness so that means he can’t celebrate fun things like his birth, or other births, like the birth of baby Jesus, or the birth of Satan. He's already lost the two most fun days of the year: Christmas and Halloween. Seriously. Everything about him was designed to suck the fun from your soul. He is the Hoover of joy and laughter. To say he's nondescript is too specific. He manages to perfectly blend into whatever background he happens to be near. When you tell him a nice story he stares at you like he can't hear you. Finally I had it. I marched up to him one day, as he was cleaning the living room, and screamed at him "What is wrong with you? Can't you see that people can't stand you? Why do you act this way? Why?" And you know what he said? He looked up at me, with his nondescript eyes and a shirt that perfectly matched the wall behind him, and do you know what he said? Nothing. He said nothing, because right as he opened his mouth to speak, he accidentally turned on the Dust Buster he was holding. The whine of the machine filled the room. I didn't have to hear him. I transcended to a place of enlightenment. I knew his answer, just like I knew my moving out date. I knew exactly what he planning to say, his ultimate goal in life: "To Suck".


(Scene 2)

Hank:
I like to call customer service people. It really is hot. You don’t know what they look like, you can’t ask them what they’re wearing, and they call you "sir". Your voice is pleading for help and they have all the answers you need. They're almost sexual in their reassurance because they want your money and you're just as eager because you want their assistance. And they sound so polished! Their voices lift and tilt and chirp and purr. I don’t think I have a good telephone voice. I guess no one does. Men think their voices should sound deeper and girls think their voices should sound more feminine. But those women....they're the cream of the crop. There’s really nothing like having a good telephone conversation and you hang up the phone, satisfied, like drinking a big gulp of something good.

(Scene 3)

Kim

You remind me of a vampire teenage drama. You're so broody and mysterious. That's hot. Girls like that. I’ve always wanted to be a boring, average girl that fell in love with a vampire. It's like Romanticism. You know, the idea that we are all average and boring in a world where God doesn't exist? Or maybe I'm thinking of existentialism. Anyway, you should seriously consider becoming a vampire. I can tell that you want to live someone else's life. Everyone does, you can see it in their faces, especially in the morning. 73 percent of American citizens have not done something they’ve wanted because it was viewed by their peers. Strangers! People don’t want to be noticed! They fear public speaking over death!
Vampires are never noticed when they don’t want to be. They are sheep herders. They don’t have to do chores, because they live in antiquated houses that just need dusting now and then. They seek lives filled with high school love triangles. You get to do everything you did when you were a teenager, but better. You can publish your autobiography under a pen name, sell the movie rights, and rule the world.
Just be a “vegetarian vampire”. Feast on the blood of animals. Avoid sun, and be extremely polite; don’t enter a lady’s home without express invitation. It’s not hard to see the benefits of this. Become a vampire for me, and I’ll stay completely boring and average for you.