Please, please, PLEASE tell me you have a short scene for two actors written by the Great Andrew S.
Sincerely,
Ossur Esor
Dear Ossy,
But of course! And be sure to enjoy one of the playwright's music muses as well.
~Rose Russo
Andrew S.
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendId=5857832
I got bored last night. Not sure where I'm placing this. maybe just a skit. maybe part of something bigger. who knows. tell me what ya think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A HOLDING CELL.
A young man, DANNY is sitting on a wooden bench in a police station holding cell. There's a corridor along the cage disappearing around a corner. From the corner comes PAUL who is all amounts of pissed. A cop stands at the corner watching the conversation.
PAUL: What the fuck Danny??
DANNY: (immediately rises) Paul! Holy Shit!
PAUL: Why are you in there?
DANNY: (chuckles)
PAUL: Why are you laughing?
DANNY: Paul I--
PAUL: Shut up.
DANNY: What?
PAUL: Why the fuck are you in there?
DANNY: They didn't tell you?
PAUL: Danny!
DANNY: Stop yelling at me! Christ!
Pause.
PAUL: (He's calmed a tad) Go on.
DANNY: Okay. (breathes) I'm at the house. I'm working on some pages and drinking some wine--
PAUL: Ugh.
DANNY: Can I finish? (Paul concedes) Okay. I'm working on my story--you know the one where with the three brothers and they break into a rich guy's house to rob the place but end up kidnapping his son? (no response) Paul? You know, my screenplay?
PAUL: I'm listening.
DANNY: Well, I'm towards the end now where they accidentally kill the kid and they all get caught-- (to Cop) I said they got caught. (to Paul) They get caught right, and they all have these different fates at the end; you know like one of them goes in quietly, one of them goes all Sam Peckinpah-bloody berserk, one gets killed by the mob--
PAUL: The mob?
DANNY: It's a twist. So I wanted to do some research--
PAUL: Oh god.
DANNY: What?
PAUL: Please tell me you didn't kill a kid.
DANNY: What the hell is wrong with you?
PAUL: Did you kill anyone?
DANNY: No! No I didn't kill- (composes himself and whispers) No I did not kill anyone. And I take it as a personal insult that you would think that. I went down to the police station and just asked some questions to the guy at the desk.
PAUL: (Pause) What did you say to him? (No response) DANNY. What did you say to him?
DANNY: (Pause) How much time would you get if you robbed a house and accidentally kidnap a kid who eventually dies to circumstances beyond their/you're control?
Long pause.
PAUL: Do you hear yourself right now?
DANNY: The guy overreacted.
PAUL: You sound like a crazy person.
DANNY: So I didn't say it exactly right--
PAUL: YOU SAID NOTHING RIGHT! In that entire bullshit illogical sentence did you say anything remotely right!
DANNY: You're overreacting.
PAUL: There are cops all over our place shifting through shit they don't need to be looking over.... my shit!
DANNY: Oh Mr. High & Mighty over here.
PAUL: (to Cop) Can I hit him? Just once? Please Officer!
DANNY: Oh fuck you. Thought you zen pussies were all against violence and what not.
PAUL: Do not demean my beliefs Danny. I'm warning you.
DANNY: Shove a yoga mat up your ass.
PAUL: Activities I do to stay in shape are my business and my business alone!
Awkward subject. Long pause.
DANNY: I'm sorry I told you to shove a yoga mat up your ass.
PAUL: (Beat) This is what the internet is for. You know that right? You can just wikipedia that shit can't you?
DANNY: (offended) Wikipedia? Really? Do I not have integrity as a writer? Should I just cull my facts from anywhere? I got an idea; let's just pull random snapple cap facts out of a top hat! That's just as good, right?
PAUL: Danny--
DANNY: When I wanna know how a baker makes a certain kind of pastry, I ask a god damn baker. Okay? I went to who thought could give me answers. Alright? Sue me!
Paul pinches the bridge of nose, obviously hating that in some weird way, Danny makes sense.
PAUL: (turns to cop) My friend is stunningly retarded, sir. Could you please let him out?
END.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A HOLDING CELL.
A young man, DANNY is sitting on a wooden bench in a police station holding cell. There's a corridor along the cage disappearing around a corner. From the corner comes PAUL who is all amounts of pissed. A cop stands at the corner watching the conversation.
PAUL: What the fuck Danny??
DANNY: (immediately rises) Paul! Holy Shit!
PAUL: Why are you in there?
DANNY: (chuckles)
PAUL: Why are you laughing?
DANNY: Paul I--
PAUL: Shut up.
DANNY: What?
PAUL: Why the fuck are you in there?
DANNY: They didn't tell you?
PAUL: Danny!
DANNY: Stop yelling at me! Christ!
Pause.
PAUL: (He's calmed a tad) Go on.
DANNY: Okay. (breathes) I'm at the house. I'm working on some pages and drinking some wine--
PAUL: Ugh.
DANNY: Can I finish? (Paul concedes) Okay. I'm working on my story--you know the one where with the three brothers and they break into a rich guy's house to rob the place but end up kidnapping his son? (no response) Paul? You know, my screenplay?
PAUL: I'm listening.
DANNY: Well, I'm towards the end now where they accidentally kill the kid and they all get caught-- (to Cop) I said they got caught. (to Paul) They get caught right, and they all have these different fates at the end; you know like one of them goes in quietly, one of them goes all Sam Peckinpah-bloody berserk, one gets killed by the mob--
PAUL: The mob?
DANNY: It's a twist. So I wanted to do some research--
PAUL: Oh god.
DANNY: What?
PAUL: Please tell me you didn't kill a kid.
DANNY: What the hell is wrong with you?
PAUL: Did you kill anyone?
DANNY: No! No I didn't kill- (composes himself and whispers) No I did not kill anyone. And I take it as a personal insult that you would think that. I went down to the police station and just asked some questions to the guy at the desk.
PAUL: (Pause) What did you say to him? (No response) DANNY. What did you say to him?
DANNY: (Pause) How much time would you get if you robbed a house and accidentally kidnap a kid who eventually dies to circumstances beyond their/you're control?
Long pause.
PAUL: Do you hear yourself right now?
DANNY: The guy overreacted.
PAUL: You sound like a crazy person.
DANNY: So I didn't say it exactly right--
PAUL: YOU SAID NOTHING RIGHT! In that entire bullshit illogical sentence did you say anything remotely right!
DANNY: You're overreacting.
PAUL: There are cops all over our place shifting through shit they don't need to be looking over.... my shit!
DANNY: Oh Mr. High & Mighty over here.
PAUL: (to Cop) Can I hit him? Just once? Please Officer!
DANNY: Oh fuck you. Thought you zen pussies were all against violence and what not.
PAUL: Do not demean my beliefs Danny. I'm warning you.
DANNY: Shove a yoga mat up your ass.
PAUL: Activities I do to stay in shape are my business and my business alone!
Awkward subject. Long pause.
DANNY: I'm sorry I told you to shove a yoga mat up your ass.
PAUL: (Beat) This is what the internet is for. You know that right? You can just wikipedia that shit can't you?
DANNY: (offended) Wikipedia? Really? Do I not have integrity as a writer? Should I just cull my facts from anywhere? I got an idea; let's just pull random snapple cap facts out of a top hat! That's just as good, right?
PAUL: Danny--
DANNY: When I wanna know how a baker makes a certain kind of pastry, I ask a god damn baker. Okay? I went to who thought could give me answers. Alright? Sue me!
Paul pinches the bridge of nose, obviously hating that in some weird way, Danny makes sense.
PAUL: (turns to cop) My friend is stunningly retarded, sir. Could you please let him out?
END.
(*Bloggers Note: Please, when giving feedback, avoid phrases like "I didn't like that" or "Why did you do that?" Simply tell us what worked for you and/or what was unclear in the play. Your opinion is welcome, but I want this to be a place for encouraging creativity, not squashing it with unhelpful feedback. Thanks!)
Andrew:
ReplyDeleteThat was hilarious. The skit works perfectly as far as timing, delivery, and length go. It reminds me of really good bar joke. The premise is pretty funny, but before the first long pause Danny's "you're/your" is wrong. Sorry to crush your dreams like that. I also really loved the Wikipedia bashing, and I could sense that you could probably extrapolate on that if you wanted to take this piece further.
The one thing I wasn't totally clear on was when Danny is explaining his ending and he turns the cop and says "I say they got caught". Was he defending himself? What had the cop said earlier to him? I am a moron though, and might have missed something.
Thanks for writing, Andrew!