 | by Kevin (http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=8010168&blogId=389259951 It's close now. So close I can taste it, like the sweet aroma of freshly baked pizza moments before you bite into it and scorch your tongue because you just couldn't wait any longer. For three and a half years I have been aching for this moment to arrive - the moment I extricate myself from this sprawling urban tragedy. I see it in my sleep, the lights disappearing behind me, fading into a dim glow in the desert night as I speed north up US-93 for probably the last time; and into a city roughly twice the size with a whole new set of annoyances. To commemorate this moment, I am going to make an attempt to give Las Vegas a good name. I mean, I have lived here for quite a while, it couldn't have been ALL bad, right? Here is my list of the Top 5 best things about Vegas. 1. Gated Communities My house is situated in a tiny community of close knit neighbors. When you have fifty houses crammed onto a plot of land the size of most standard American driveways, you have to be friendly with those around you. It's a nice, fuzzy feeling when you walk to your car in the morning (because the HOA doesn't allow you to park in front of your own house) and you see a neighbor walking to his car and, in a good neighborly fashion, you both divert your eyes to the ground and quicken your pace. Another benefit of gated communities is, of course, the gate. I feel secure knowing that gate is there to keep out unwanted people, except for the waves of solicitors, weirdos, junkies, lost drivers, and newspaper people who sneak in behind residents or when the gate is broken. The gate is also helpful in keeping residents from getting out of the community. For example, the HOA charges residents $40 for an electronic opener, which I am not about to pay. There is only a keypad to open the gate from the outside, and the sensors in the ground are not sensitive enough to pick up people, groups of people, people on bikes, or people on motorcycles inside. So guess how you get out if you don't want to drive? You guessed it! Climb over the fence. Talk about security! I'm glad those HOA dues go to a good cause! The third selling point of Las Vegas gated communities are the sporadic denizens. You can randomly wake up one morning, walk outside and BAM. The entire street is different: all new cars, new people scurrying inside to avoid being seen, new FOR SALE signs. It's great. One month, five new families will arrive on the block, and four weeks later, once we're bored of them, they'll default on their mortgages, pack their shit in the middle of the night and skip town. We can almost make a game out of guessing who's next to go. 2. Golf Courses I've known for a while now that there was some correlation between the course par and the IQ of the people who play there, and then one day it hit me: they are equal. For example, near my house is ritzy Summerlin, an enormous cluster of compact houses that people pay big money for. Like paying $200,000 for a Scion xB, know what I mean? Anyway, on any given day I can be driving down, oh let's say Rampart, and out of the blue a huge, black, chromed out Escalade will swerve across nine lanes of traffic to get in the right turn lane. Realizing that he made a mistake, he will then swerve back, nearly killing all of us a second time, and then "Oops! Right the first time!" swerve back, making a last minute screeching, up on two wheels turn into a Country Club and flipping the rest of us off! Usually this would make me seethingly mad, but I just remember to plug in my formula. Let's see, he just turned into Country Club A, which has a par of 71. If 71 = IQ, and an IQ of 71 is considered "Borderline deficiency," then I can suddenly understand his torpid driving performance. The city of Las Vegas is well aware its number of exceedingly wealthy yet dismally deficient humans, which is why they have made sure to irrigate at least one golf course every two blocks. Talk about looking out for your citizens. 3. Low Crime Rate Despite what you might be seeing on CSI, Las Vegas is a very calm, safe place to call home. For example, there are only 1,286 registered sex offenders currently residing in Las Vegas. Let's compare that to a city of similar population. Say, Seattle, which has 477 registered sex offenders. Okay, so it seems a little unbalanced. But compared to Los Angeles, which has over 3,400 registered sex offenders, Vegas looks pretty good. The fact that Los Angeles has roughly 2,000,000,000,000 times the population is beside the point. Sex offenders aside (those guys only hang out in parks and at libraries, so what gives, right?), Vegas is pretty safe. In 2006, there were only 152 murders, 718 rapes, 6,680 reported assaults and 19,677 auto thefts. Let's compare this to that ticking time bomb of Seattle again - because, frankly, LA sucks and once you go west of the Rockies, who really cares? In 2006, Seattle reported a startling 30 murders, 129 rapes, 2,326 assaults and a mind boggling 8,147 auto thefts. Hmmm... it seems that Vegas is still a bit higher. But compare it to the entire country of Canada, which boasted a whopping 605 murders and 160,000 stolen cars in 2006. That's right, Canada had nearly FOUR TIMES the number of murders as Las Vegas in 2006. Where do you want to live now? 4. Fun Factor! Las Vegas is a city all about fun. You can go to night clubs, where people who are hotter and cooler than you stand around looking hotter and cooler than you. You can hit up the casinos, where everybody else will win the money that you lose. Or, you can go for a leisurely stroll in the park and be instantly immolated by the sun. If you're looking for a good family time, you can take your children to the Southern Nevada Zoo, where they will cry non-stop as they watch exotic animals slowly die in the heat from lack of care or water. Here are a couple of snippets from reviews, in case you don't want to take just my opinion: "Horrifying may be an understatement." If you still crave more after all of this excitement, you can hit up any one of the major metropolitan areas surrounding Vegas - they are only a minimum of four hours in any direction. 5. I've been sitting here for about thirty minutes now, trying to think up the perfect topic for number five. But it's just not coming to me. I think because there are so many great things about this town that my mind is just being overwhelmed. I'll just start typing and let the city speak for itself: City planners: That's not smog! It's the sweet smell of suburban sprawl! Adiós Fabulous Las Vegas! I'll miss you like a debilitating, cramp-inducing lower-intestinal parasite. |
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Leaving Las Vegas: Travel Guide
Warning: Do not read Kevin's following blog with a full bladder. Spontaneous laughter will ensue. You might not make it to the bathroom.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment