"Rose Russo here. Yes, it's a pen name. Soon it will be a famous, household name. Until then, I will try to change the world one piece of theatre at a time by creating a blog called
LetterzFromRose. (Title Page)
Season Two: Making the world better...one piece of theatre at a time.
The first piece I have today are two comedic monologues, male and female. The female's is a continuation of a monologue you might have read in Season One and the male is a favorite character of mine:
Don't Drink and Climb by "Rose Russo" (pen name)
(Louise stands up )
Louise
Well...first of all, I'd like to thank all the lovely people who traveled so very far out of town to be here, including my date, Mr. Chelsea all the way from...the hotel. Right.
I've known Mike Chelsie ever since I moved here. We bonded over our mutual hatred of cheerleaders and drooled over the hot seniors. We were hiking the Cascades two years ago when Mike told me there was "someone special" that I just HAD to meet...and here we are.
I always knew Mike was gay. It was pretty obvious: when I first met him I was instantly attracted to him. Ha. Ha. No, seriously, I couldn't take my eyes off his face. My Auntie Katy always said (adopts a throaty accent) "Louise, gay men are like mirages: you crawl on your knees for ten years but you'll never quench your thirst". Still, in this age and time, one is never really sure: Is he gay, or just raised by women? Bisexual, or republican? Some people never figure it out.
Not Mike. He knew exactly what he wanted when he saw Drew across the street in Capitol Hill. He told me about that first night, in vivid detail. Ha. Ha. No seriously, I can't get the images out of my head. Ha. Ha.
And when I met Drew, I knew they were perfect for each other. I couldn't really see him all that well, what with the lighting in the "Spankin' Monkey" Nightclub, but what I could see was...love. So I would like to raise my glass to Drew and Mike Chelsie: May your love always be brand spanking new.
Cheers.
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The 40 Year Old Version.
(Lights up. Brody stands holding a flute of champange)
Brody
Hey. So, hello, can we get the DJ to turn on the...thank you. Well. Drew and Mike, never thought we'd be here, huh? Congrats you two! I mean, I remember when Drew was my best man and hell, if I was allowed to marry that then you two certainly should have the right to...(visibly shudders).
I'm sorry, this shouldn't be about me or my former legal marriage. It's about you two and your barely acceptable partnership. I know you guys won't make my mistakes: Drew isn't marrying a former student of his, and we can all safely assume Mike didn't get pregnant on purpose.
Did I say "my mistakes?" I really meant the royal "me". I mean "we". The Royal "We". "Our mistakes." I know you guys won't make our mistakes. I guess I'm speaking on behalf of straight people right now. Family. Friends. Friends of family. I'm sorry, I'm getting off track. What I'm trying to say is that already this marriage has a better chance than most straight couples I know! And by "know", I mean "friends", "family", and above all, "not me".
(Brody drinks his entire flute of champagne).
I'm sorry, I was supposed to give a toast before doing that. TO Drew and Mike! May Mike never withhold sex as punishment! May Drew realize that after two years you are entitled to a blow job! May they both be really miserable like the rest of us have been for centuries!
(Brody holds his empty glass, tries to sip from it, remembers it's gone. Awkward...)
Cheers!
BOTH BY "ROSE RUSSO"
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