Summer is here and temperatures are high, and so are the hormones of young men strutting down the streets of the city. You can tell that a Summer Romance is on their minds, which means soon there will be absolutely pointless and counter-productive articles written about how to "Score that Perfect Date". These brave entrepreneurs have analyzed hours of irrelevant research just to give you crucial advice that will "Ensure That You Really, Really, Screw it Up". None of these amazing creators has the sheer brilliance as msn.com.
MSN always has some kind of billboard article advertisements flashing as you make your way to your hotmail account, and while sometimes I just admire the pretty pictures associated with titles, I couldn't help but fixate on "5 signs She's into You" and it's counter article "5 signs he's into you". I figured I'd skip "5 signs he's into you", thinking I already had a pretty good idea already of the complexity of men. (Step 1. he says "I'm into you". Step 2-5: See Step 1) And so, this blog is for the poor clueless men out there, because let's face it, we all need help sometimes.
The article begins with a thought provoking statement about how hard dating can be nowadays (a direct quote "Dating is hard"). The author then expresses her credibility by citing her information from "Greg Hartley, former Army Special Forces interrogator and author of I Can Read You Like a Book". Because nothing says "I love you" more than an interrogator screaming at potential terrorists in Iraq. And so, ladies and unfairly misguided men, I give you:
Five Signs she's into you:
1. She tilts her head.
When a woman sees and feels especially comfortable with a man, she will tilt her head," Hartley says.
Personally, I get the same feelings of comfort when I'm interacting with my parent's neighborhood dog, Max. I could say "down dammnit!" or "ooh, who has a ball?" and Max will politely tilt his adorable head to the side, clearly expressing that he has NO clue what I'm saying, as I am a human and he is a dog, but he does not wish to be rude and dimiss my human babbling. Either Hartley is suggesting that women have the same reaction skills to that of a canine, or that men are incapable of speaking a comprehensible language to women, thereby resulting in the body gestures of a head tilt.
2. She takes a sip when you take a sip
"When a woman is drawn to a guy, she'll instinctively mirror his actions", Hartley says. While men do this, too, women are more likely than men to first begin the copying.
Uh huh. Or it could just be the fact that humans, regardless of attraction to each other, copy each other all the time as an unconscious impulse of survival. Hartley also suggests that you "test" your mate by "leaning forward and see if she comes closer, too". At this point I imagined Hartley paused, then added "if you can get her to admit to smuggling any WMD's from Iraq" that would be "great" seeing as their quota for suspects is "down".
3. She twirls her hair
I'm not entirely sure what the proper procedure for twirling your hair is. I have what you would call "Julia Roberts" hair, which is a nice way of saying "frizzy", and if I were to try and twirl it with my finger, it would most likely result in extensive surgery. However, apparently this is a "biggie" for detecting fondness from a woman, because as we all know, according to Hartley, "Since the beginning of time, a woman's hair has been celebrated as a symbol of her sexuality (does the story of Samson and Delilah ring a bell?)" Why yes it does Hartley, nothing reminds me more of a woman's sexuality than the story of a man shearing off his gorgeous flowing locks and thereby losing his manly strength.
4. She gets a glow
I don't think Hartley is really doing these guys any favors with vague terminology such as "glow". Men have been known to respond fairly well to technical terms and measurements, perhaps something like "when her smile expands to the length of a fully extended crescent wrench" or "as she throws her head back in laughter, make sure it's at a 45 degree angle". Hartley, who by now is winning high five handshakes in his terrorist cell for this article, elaborates with "if your date is smitten, her lips and even eyelids will get fuller, too". I assume that the guy will be able to notice this after he completes step 2 and gets the girl to lean in.
and finally, we come to step 5.
Step 5: Her pupils dilate
Victorianna quickly closed the double french doors to her father's estate. Her gown was soaked from the sudden downpour; the poorly timed picnic that Rudolpho and she had so carefully planned the day before was ruined.
"Well I guess we're not going anywhere for a while" he said. As he chuckled softly, water streamed from his dark curls and trickled down his swarthy skin.
"Oh dear, and this was my favorite white muslin!" she lamented, noticing at the same time that the man who always cleaned her father's pool was trying, without much success, to extract his white t-shirt from the dips and trenches of his perfectly defined stomach.
"Are you cold?" he looked at her with such consideration, such tenderness, that it set her in a spin. She stepped away and felt her back press against the white pillars of the sun room.
Rudolpho had been in love with Victorianna ever since he came to work for her father's estate. She had always been gracious and polite, but he sensed something had changed in her. She was a woman now, beautiful and wise and an extraordinary creature. But how was he to be sure of her affections? How could he tell what stirred in her heart? He searched her face for something, a clue, a sign, some kind of indication. He saw nothing. Then....she raised her eyes to meet his. And there. There. There, nestled between thick black eyelashes and centered perfectly inside her warm blue eyes, he saw it. He saw her pupils begin to swell. His heart quickened. Her pupils were plump, exposed and heaving with all the verification he'd ever need. To hell with her father. Tonight was his.
Tune in next week, when Hartley examines the obvious body signs to tell you if "she's NOT into you". I myself can think of what one of the steps could be: If she presents this article to you. Now if you'll excuse me, my pupils are beginning to dilate.
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